End Lines: To dry for

The map Got a problem - and a few thousand to spare? Why not check into a celebrity rehab clinic. Jonathan Dyson follows in the footsteps of the stars

Castle Craig Clinic, Peebles, Scotland

Scotland's answer to the Betty Ford (see far right), a stunning mansion perched on a hilltop in the Borders. Alumni willing to fork out pounds 2,000 a week include 55-year-old former Tory minister Allan Stewart (above), who last year set up home with Catherine "Bunny" Knight, 48, whom he met while drying out there, and St Mirren striker Barry Lavety, who failed a random drugs test after taking Ecstasy.

The Priory, Roehampton, west London

Britain's number one and the flagship of the Priory clinics group. Costs pounds 12,000 for a typical four-week programme which starts with a couple of days' detox before moving on to the usual Alcoholics Anonymous- style confessional group therapy. Rehab regular Paul Gascoigne paid a visit just a few months ago, checking out a fortnight earlier than expected, but still declaring "I am never going to drink again" and "bravely" cracking jokes at the obligatory post-rehab press conference. Other recent guests include TV's Mrs Merton, Caroline Aherne (drink), a depressed Ruby Wax who entered under a pseudonym but was immediately sussed, and "troubled beauty" Kate Moss (above) who attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings while there. Eric Clapton has been a part-time counsellor here for six years, although he now has bigger rehab fish to fry (see Antigua, below right).

Clouds Clinic, Salisbury, Wiltshire

Tucked away in the West Country, this usually excessively discreet pounds 1,000-a-week hangout, which also takes NHS referrals, hit the headlines last August when 38-year-old "troubled" mother-of-four Paula Yates (above) was kicked out for starting a liaison with a fellow patient. Paula had gone in after a suicide attempt and, according to some reports, had pursued five other inmates at Clouds before settling on 28-year-old unemployed ex-heroin addict Kingsley O'Keke. Clouds also had a go with Robbie Williams (see Beechy Colclough, below right).

Battersea Dogs Home rehab unit, London

A 30-inmate rehab clinic for unruly and problem dogs, cared for by a team of four workers. "It's like the Betty Ford Clinic for dogs," say staff, who estimate they turn two-thirds of the growling, teeth-bearing hounds back into well-adjusted pooches. The third who don't make it are destroyed - a sobering thought for their human counterparts.

Marchwood Priory, Southampton, Hampshire

A favoured destination of footballers, although this may soon end as the FA plans to set up its own chain of clinics, such is the demand. Paul Merson set the pattern for the well-managed celeb rehab with his entry here in 1994 and subsequent exit press conference at which he broke down and confessed to his out-of-control drinking, drug-taking and gambling: a book deal swiftly followed. Other footballers taking an early bath here recently include Shane Nicholson, caught in a drugs test after 12 years of alcohol and drug abuse and Paul Gascoigne (above; see The Priory, above right). Michael Barrymore (see Beechy Colclough, right) also had a brief season here.

Beechy Colclough's clinic, Harley Street, London

Get that personal touch from TV therapist, reformed alcoholic and friend to the stars, Belfast-born Beechy Colclough. He cured Elton John of the booze and bulimia and, at Elton's behest, had a go with Robbie Williams, who came out boasting of his rediscovered six-pack (not the liquid variety) and declaring that it was "time to take a swim in Lake Me" ( ... fast forward to Boxing Day 1998, the Stakis Metropole, Edgware Road, London, where a certain tired and emotional millionaire pop star was to be found drowning his sorrows after a row with his All Saints girlfriend Nicole Appleton. Robbie was subsequently spotted passed out in a corridor smeared with toothpaste and shaving foam.) Other recent alumni include ex-EastEnder Daniella Westbrook (cocaine), Michael Jackson (above; whom Beechy famously enticed out of his bubble and into Kentucky Fried Chicken in Shepherd's Bush during one of their heart-to-hearts). And of course there was Britain's (and rehab clinics') favourite comic Michael Barrymore (see Marchwood Priory, left and Father Martin's, right).

(1) Betty Ford Clinic, Palm Springs, California, US

The original and still most famous rehab clinic, opened in 1982 by former president Gerald Ford's wife, it has so far dried out (at least temporarily) 32,000 patients, following the standard AA 12-step programme. Superannuated rock'n'rollers Aerosmith entered here en masse and re-emerged squeaky clean back in 1987. Liz Taylor (prescription drugs) met builder Larry Fortensky here in 1983. Both of Judy Garland's daughters, Lorna Luft and Liza Minnelli, have done time here (thanks, mom). And Kelsey Grammer (Frasier) is one of many to win his battle with the booze here.

(2) Hazleden Foundation clinic, Minnesota, US

Set in beautiful countryside overlooking a lake, this clinic has leapt ahead in the rehab stakes thanks to a visit by Matthew Perry (Chandler from Friends). Perry went in to wean himself off high-strength prescription painkillers. "My real-life friends were a tremendous support," he said at the exit press conference. Other vacationers here include Michael Jackson, Calvin Klein (vodka and Valium), Melanie Griffith and Sharon Gless of Cagney and Lacey fame who, like Daniella Westbrook (see Beechy Colclough, below left), found real life indistinguishable from that of her fictional, addicted, alter ego.

(3) Father Martin's Ashley Treatment Centre, Baltimore, Maryland, US

Run by 74-year-old former alcoholic, Father Joe Martin, this 60-bed country retreat is, says its brochure, "built upon the floor of charity, under the ceiling of mercy, and protected by the walls of total commitment". Michael Barrymore (see Beechy Colclough, below left, and the Priory, above left) "graduated" from here back in 1994, following "a two-year battle against addiction". It's not known whether he subsequently asked for a refund. Michael Kennedy, nephew of JFK, who died last year in a freak ski accident, also checked in here for alcoholism, and 46-year-old Wonderwoman Lynda Carter has also recently given it a whirl.

(4) Crossroads Rehabilitation Centre, Antigua

The new "destination" rehab clinic in the Caribbean, opened just a few months ago, is the brainchild of Eric Clapton who has lived here on and off for 15 years, the past 10 while clean. It cost $5m to build and charges $6,000 a month, although a third of the places are being offered free to local islanders. The 53-year-old rocker claims to have also spent millions in the past on drink and drug habits: "I was just a blob being injected with something and then when the injection wore off I was a blob again."