Dunwutherin

An interactive Bathside soap, based entirely on readers' contributions.

The plot so far: Colin Swillsby, pig farmer and dandruff purveyor, cannot fulfil his orders for a whiter shade of scurf for the mysterious SD Case. His wife Petronella is carrying on with Vlad, the work-experience youth; his socially challenged son Kevin communes with aliens over the Internet. The police are no closer to finding who killed George the pig, who may not be dead after all. Now read on:

"Honey, it's all over," said Colin Swillsby, firmly, adjusting his dress.

"Colleen," said SD, "I can see you've covered the pig with honey, but why?"

"Don't you see?" said Colin. "A honey and dandruff batter for the crackling. It'll be a new era for pork scratchings."

In the adjoining room, Petronella was busy at the computer. After sending a rather risque message to Lucretia, and signing it "Daniel Drough", she composed another to Kevin, ostensibly from "your Internet inamorata". That'll keep him out of trouble, she thought.

The following morning, Lucretia, the most beautiful barmaid in the world, rang Inspector Drane. "I have to see you urgently," she purred. "In the churchyard in 10 minutes." Pausing only to sprinkle more dandruff into the goldfish bowl, she slithered into her Armani anorak, leaving her muesli uneaten on the table. The police were getting too close, she thought. Breakfastlessness was better than freedomlessness. Her goldfish, Rover, would go mad staring at the screen-saver if she went to jail.

At Clinton Eastwood Junior School, Ralph Spock, the librarian, was taking his Information Technology class with Year 3. He knew precious little about the Superhighway himself, but the regular teachers knew even less. So it was a good opportunity to preach good spelling and grammar.

"Thee sly mastiff in magical jig, countermands grey goldcrests," an eight- year-old typed on to the screen. "Ware in Hertfordshire is my omelette, omelette, omelette?!" Then he pressed a key and the message was sent, who knows where, into the electronic ether.

Ralph silently cursed the fool who had connected schools to the Internet.

Meanwhile, in a Milkypod 125 space podule directly overhead, all the grey blobs turned to George the pig. "Well?" asked their leader.

What will Lucretia tell the pigs? What price dandruff futures? Do aliens eat bacon sandwiches? Plot contributions should be sent to: Soapy Pastimes, the Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London E14 5DL.

This week's major contributors were Maurice Hulks (who wins the Larousse Dictionary of World Folklore prize), Len Clarke, Linda Browning, Sally Ann Drummond and Duncan Bull.