Divorce regret is real – but can you really have a successful second time-around relationship?
More than one in 10 people regret their divorce and as golfer Rory McIlroy calls his off, Flic Everett hears from lawyers who say it’s not as unusual as you might think – and the therapists who say what needs to happen next
Some things are best experienced only once. A pie-eating contest. An amateur folk band night. And a failed marriage. Not that ex-spouses can’t remarry – but there’s a strong argument to be made that they really shouldn’t marry each other. A flock of optimistically love-struck celebrities, from Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton to Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, Eminem and Kimberly Scott, and Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson have tried it and in every case, the second marriage crashed and burned, usually just months (three months in Eminem’s case), after the second “I do.”
Currently, rumours are swirling like cinematic storm clouds over the shining heads of Ben Affleck and JLo, whose second time-around marriage after their broken engagement of decades past has reportedly run into trouble.
This week, too, Northern Irish golfer Rory McIlroy called off divorce proceedings with Erica Stoll, his wife of seven years. A month ago, she was served papers in Florida, with 20 days to file a counterclaim. Now, however, it seems he’s changed his mind and all is nuptial bliss. According to McIlroy, their “best future is as a family together” and they have “resolved their differences and look forward to a new beginning”.
Are they kidding themselves – or is it really possible to rekindle a dying marriage in the face of divorce? Perhaps in some cases, the spectre of divided finances, unhappy kids and the ex-spouse blazing a trail through Hinge really is enough to halt proceedings. In fact, according to US statistics, around 15 per cent of divorced people regret it, and 6 per cent do go ahead and remarry their ex.
“When couples separate, it’s usually because they’ve reached the end of the road,” says therapist Georgina Sturmer. “But it’s also sometimes the case that the move towards separation can serve as a wake-up call for both parties, a reminder of what’s lacking in their relationship, and recognition of the opportunity to rekindle.”
“I thought long and hard before giving my relationship with Daniel another try,” says Lisa Currie*, 46, a copywriter. “We divorced after 11 years because we’d drifted apart. We barely communicated, he was a workaholic, and we agreed to part before it was too late to start again.”
Once apart, though, the couple missed one another.
“I started to notice the things I’d taken for granted, like his trustworthiness and optimistic outlook. In many ways, we were a great match. We started ‘dating’ again after a year, and two years after that, we’d learned a lot about what we both need at this stage of life, and we decided to remarry. So far, so good.”
But Lisa still feels it was wise to reassess. “If we’d carried on as we were, it would never have worked. Divorce made us see each other in a new light, and we’ve worked hard and made significant changes, such as more boxed-off time together to talk, and a ‘date night’ weekly, that have really helped.”
Lisa and Daniel are also child-free, which makes the “temporary divorce” somewhat easier to navigate. But when children and dramatic financial changes are involved, it can be tempting to pull back from the brink even if you’re unhappy in the marriage.
“When a relationship ends, it generally doesn’t happen in isolation. Shared rental agreements, mortgages, family commitments and parenting all play a part in how we feel about calling time on a relationship,” points out Sturmer. No wonder blowing up a life that’s taken years to build can look so unappealing in a cooling-off period.
Maria Ramon, a family law partner and divorce specialist at Anthony Collins, says, “People might be surprised to know that getting back together after a divorce petition has been issued is not that unusual.”
From a lawyer’s perspective, she explains, “The first we usually know of it is when a petition is stopped and sometimes, we never find out why. In other cases, our client might tell us that they have ‘changed their mind’,” she goes on. “On one occasion, a divorcing couple decided to halt proceedings during the court hearing. One of them whispered something in the ear of the other, and that was it – the divorce was off.”
The change of heart often comes a couple of months into the process, Ramon says – “Normally, when they realise they can’t fund two households or are facing the reality of being stuck in cramped down-graded living accommodation.”
This is particularly common when the divorce is triggered by an emotional response to behaviour such as cheating. “It’s only some weeks later, when the reality of the situation has kicked in that they see divorce is not what they want.”
Reconciliation can be successful and I have witnessed it. Both need to enter into any reconciliation with a fresh mindset, maybe via counselling to help get a new perspective. Ultimately, it’s about rebuilding trust
Nick Gova, head of family at Spector Constant & Williams, adds: “The current no-fault divorce process provides a mandatory 20-week period before progressing to the next stage. It allows couples to understand the ramifications of what they’re seeking and truly consider whether they want to dissolve their marriage.” Solicitors are legally required “to assess and ask if the marriage has broken down irretrievably”, before going ahead.
Often, that’s where mediation comes in. Divorce coach Helen Sampson, who used to be a paralegal in a City law firm, says “Mediation allows separating couples to discuss their situation with someone impartial. Mediators won’t take sides or give advice and the process can help to pacify emotions and allow for constructive conversations.”
Sampson points out that often, mediation may be the first time a couple has had professional input into the relationship. “By being given the space to openly discuss what’s important to them, they may find the differences that led their relationship to break down aren’t insurmountable and divorce or separation isn't what they want.”
But, she warns, if the couple do decide to try again, “I'd strongly recommend having discussions around their core values and making decisions together that are in alignment with those. Being mindful of your partner’s values, and not undermining them, is vital.”
Even staying together “for the children” can work, so long as the issues that led to a crisis point are fully addressed. “Children can have a profound impact,” agrees Gova. “I recall a case following an initial hearing, where on the doorstep of the courtroom, the divorcing parents looked at each other and broke down in tears. They did end up reconciling.”
As they say in therapy, however, “nothing changes if nothing changes” – and it’s essential that reconciling couples do the work to understand what previously went wrong, and why, in order to rebuild.
“It’s so important to address the reasons why the relationship originally broke down, and to consider what you really need from each other,” says Sturmer. “A successful marriage requires the fundamentals of any healthy relationship: trust, compassion, respect, companionship, compatibility, and intimacy.”
All of those can be damaged over the course of a relationship – but the experts agree, all can sometimes be recovered, if both of you truly want to try.
“Reconciliation can be successful and I have witnessed it,” says Gova. “Both need to enter into any reconciliation with a fresh mindset, maybe via counselling to help get a new perspective. Ultimately, it’s about rebuilding trust.”
Believing in a future together when circumstances have led you to the brink of divorce – or beyond – is the greatest leap of faith imaginable. But sometimes, despite everything, it pays off.
*Names changed
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