dilemma

PLAYING SEXUAL GAMES : Pam's been living with her partner for a year and he's keen to try new ways of having sex, in front of mirrors, recording it on video, watching her have sex with another man. She hates the ideas but he says she's selfish to refuse before trying them once. If she doesn't like it, he says, that'll be an end to it, but everyone experiments.

When a woman has her bottom pinched by her boss at work everyone cries: "Rape!" But when a woman in a sexual relationship refuses to experiment in ways she finds repulsive or frightening, everyone tends to cry: "Prude!"

Personally I find Pam's very letter almost as painful as witnessing an assault in itself; reading it is like watching a one-woman boxing match. Her partner wants to put her in a position of abuse, sexually, and she is actually considering going along with it, beating herself up already by feeling guilty at the prospect of saying "No". It is not a pretty picture.

Poor Pam. No doubt she feels sexually inadequate, that she is not satisfying her man in bed. She also feels manipulated because he's blackmailing her by holding her to this experimentation as a test of love. And yet where would it end? If you loved me you'd try sex with a woman? Two women? Sex with a dog? The "if you loved me" line can only be countered by the equally irritating "If you loved me, you wouldn't ask."

Everyone experiments, claims Pam's partner. As a child of the Sixties, I'm enough of an old hand to tell her this is simply not true. Most people lead rather boring, amiable and unadventurous sex lives they indulge in much less frequently than they would like other people to think. It's possible that some people might say that while she naturally draws the line at sex with another man, and, possibly, being videoed - once the act's on tape she will never feel quite safe until it's deleted after a couple of viewings - what on earth is the problem with mirrors, for God's sake? Mirrors could be fantastically titillating.

Indeed, they could. But not if Pam doesn't find the idea titillating. If she feels that the mirror is a third party in the bedroom she would have every reason to feel dread if mirrors were introduced. Why, she might feel, does her lover want to watch the act or to watch himself in a narcissistic way when he could be looking at her?

Where, in other words, is the love in all this sex? While it's quite true that loving couples can get up to all kinds of sexual games like masochism, sadism, filming and mirrors, as an extension of love, risking quite tricky sexual situations as a sign of trust and getting off on doing things with their lovers that they would never contemplate doing with anyone else, it's quite clear from his cold list of sexual strategies involving other people that Pam's partner is in the sexual games business for quite another reason than love. He wants to distance himself from love, and that is surely what Pam objects to far more than his sexual suggestions in themselves. Sexual games are usually lovingly introduced in the heat of passion, first perhaps as verbal fantasies to test whether they appeal to the other person, not slapped down in a clinical list with a manipulative agenda of "if you loved me you'd do this" as a chorus in the background.

I suggest Pam say, if she means it, that she loves her partner too much to get involved in anything more than straight sex for the moment. She might also remember that "no" means no. And finally she might ask her lover why he feels so inadequate that he wants to go in for so much sexual embroidery? Does he not think he is a more than adequate lover as he is, poor darling? As she delivers this cruel statement she might get a kick of satisfaction as she watches his gobsmacked face in the mirror.

READERS' RESPONSES

Harmless fun

Pam dismisses her partner's ideas, declaring she won't enjoy them. This is rather sweeping. Making a home video of their having sex is pretty innocuous fun, and perhaps she should think carefully whether she has some fundamental hang-ups.

Brian,

Ashford

Non-consensual sex

What Pam's partner is asking of her amounts to non-consensual sex. This is, in effect, a form of rape, which is against the law in this country and is something that no man with any respect or love would ever suggest against her will.

Serena

Richmond

Just a fantasy

My partner is sympathetic to suggestions but we have never made a video or introduced another person even though she finds the idea exciting. It's almost as if talking about it is enough. The fact that she agrees to it is enough to feed my fantasy.

I have chosen partners who I think will provide the kind of sexuality I need. It is not fair to put pressure on someone to perform acts they have no desire for. On the other hand, sex in front of mirrors can be very exciting. It's like interactive pornography in which no one gets exploited.

John

Leicester

Emotional terrorist

This guy uses the vocabulary of "sexual experimentation and liberation" to control, to degrade, to wound. If you agreed to his demands, he'd just make up some more.

Caroline Owen

London NW2

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

Dear Virginia,

My boyfriend and I want to go on holiday but the problem is money. He's got no money but I could actually afford to pay for both of us to go on a cheap package but I can't make up my mind what to do. I paid for my boyfriend's holiday last year and he never even offered to pay me back. If he worked hard and were broke I wouldn't mind so much but he only works when he wants and recently spent a lot on a motorbike. He hardly ever buys me anything. My friend says I should pay, that it's "only money", that we will have a great time when we're there, and that if he were a woman and I were a man, or we were married, there'd be no problem. My boyfriend argues that when he's better off than I am he'll be willing to pay for me. One minute I feel fine about it. Then I feel resentful. Am I mean? What should I do?

Yours sincerely, Karen

All comments are welcome, and everyone who has a suggestion quoted will be sent a Dynagrip 50 ballpen from Paper:Mate.

Please send any relevant personal experiences or comments to me at the Features Department, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, Canary Wharf, London, E14 5DL; fax 0171-293 2182, by Tuesday morning. And if you have any dilemmas of your own you would like to share, let me know.