The realities of speed dating in New York City

I went speed dating and didn’t meet anyone I’d date - here’s why I’d go again, Amber Raiken writes

(Getty Images/iStockphoto)

After spending the first half of my twenties in the New York City dating scene, I came to the realisation that I’ve met most of my ex-boyfriends on the internet. This isn’t to say that organic meetings haven’t happened, as I’ve had my fair share of awkward and flirty introductions with 25 year olds at a bar. The occasions were accompanied by one of the following: Going on a forgettable first date or never speaking again. After each experience, I found my way back to the all-so-familiar habit of swiping through the apps.

So, I knew it was time to try something new, which my 19-year-old self once feared:  Speed dating.

Just like me, many American singles are overly familiar with online dating. According to a survey conducted by the Pew Research Center last year, three in 10 adults said they’ve used a dating site or app, with nearly half of respondents between the ages of 18 and 29.

After my last five years of online dating, I have become numb to the way that the apps operate. While I have bonded with matches over a mutual hatred of American cheese - thanks to my prompt about fearing Mac & Cheese - our conversations rarely last, and we typically never meet in person. It was my undeniable boredom with the apps that convinced me to take seriously the speed dating invite I’d previously ignored.

Days before giving the activity a shot, I had coincidentally watched an episode of Sex and the City about speed dating. In the episode, New York City lawyer Miranda Hobbes, played by Cynthia Nixon, was introduced to a line of men, with each man sitting with her for an eight-minute date. After Miranda explained what she did for work, each man responded by looking in the opposite direction or giving a disinterested nod. Ultimately, the show’s negative connotations about speed dating, and the seemingly sexist reactions to women in the workforce, made me feel more hesitant about my own looming speed dating experience.

Fortunately, my speed dating event in New York City - which was named Quickies - was nothing like Miranda’s. For the occasion, all participants gathered in one room at a bar located in the Lower East Side, where we’d go on to mix and match with fellow singles. Instead of instantly resorting to a description of what we did for a living, each five-minute date started off with a prompt. One of the first prompts was: “Have you ever received a gift from someone you were in a situationship with?” - referring to an experience where you dated someone but never defined your relationship - “And did you keep the gift?”

I turned to a 35-year-old man who I briefly chatted with before the event had started, and asked him to answer the question first. While we both revealed that we’d never received a gift during a situationship, I shared the awkward moment when I gave a stuffed animal to a man who I only dated for two months for his birthday.

The story was brief, so we still had about three minutes left in our date, which was when we brought up what we did for work. After he told me he was the marketing director for some tech company, he asked about my career as a journalist in a now-full circle moment, quipping: “Are you going to write about me?” I laughed and said: “Probably.”

The prompt for the next date was: “What’s your guilty pleasure?” In response, I said “Taylor Swift,” while the 26 year old next to me, who said he ran his own business, responded: “Reality TV.” We barely exchanged any follow-up details about our answers, so within one minute of the date, he told me how much he loved running his own company. When our time was nearly up, he asked and received my number, before later texting me to make plans to get coffee, which I never responded to.

(Quickie’s Speed Dating )

Unlike traditional speed dating, where you list out the dates you’d like to exchange information with, this event was more about taking initiative. The 35-year-old marketing director who I’d spoken to earlier in the night ended up making his way back to me to ask for my number, which I appreciated. He texted me later that night to ask me on a date; I said yes.

Would I recommend speed dating to anyone? While I would say yes, it really does depend on your current headspace and feelings about dating. I was at a point where I was so burnt out by the apps that I’d given up on the New York City dating scene entirely. Although the dates were short, I could tell pretty quickly if there was a vibe between myself and the fellow participants. And if there wasn’t, my speed date and I simply moved on, with no hard feelings attached. It was also a relief to meet individuals who I found attractive in person, rather than through a photo, text, or an ambiguous prompt.

Photo of Jen Barett, the host and creator of Quickie’s Speed Dating event (Quickie’s Speed Dating )

Ultimately, everyone was at the bar that night for the same reason: To create connections, whether they were romantic or not. Although I don’t see myself seriously dating anyone that I met at speed dating, it’s nice to have the reminder that romance doesn’t have to begin through a screen. So nice, in fact, that I’d go speed dating again, because who knows who you could meet the next time around.