‘You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met, but…’: Is there ever a ‘right’ way to reject someone?
When it comes to the end of a fledgling relationship, is it easier on the heart to be bombarded with effusive, complimentary language about how wonderful you are before you’re dumped, or is it preferable to just be ghosted? Olivia Petter explores a very modern dating conundrum
It was the second adjective that did it. “You are probably the most charming and interesting person I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting,” he wrote. It came in a text to let me know that, instead of going on another date with me, he was actually getting back with his ex-girlfriend. OK, the “probably” part also stung.
The man in question was someone I’d been on two dates with. Things had been going well, and I was looking forward to a third. Then I received that text. It sent me spinning, particularly because it came two days before we were meant to meet, and two texts after I’d sent him a video of me singing an ABBA song at karaoke.
But the rest of the message rattled me, too. Despite the crux of it being about how he no longer wanted to date me, it was filled with effusive, florid language clearly designed to stroke my ego and make me feel good about myself. As if to disguise the fact that it was, ostensibly, a rejection, one that would presumably be so utterly soul-destroying that it could only possibly be couched among excessive compliments.
Having since discussed this with friends, and rabidly exchanged screenshots of other rejection texts we’ve received, I’ve learnt that this is a common experience, particularly among my single female friends who date men. Many of them have received texts just like this one, which “break the news” of the rejection in gentle, overly extravagant terms – as if they think they’re literally about to destroy our lives. Others have been very formal in tone. “I’m afraid it’s going to be bad news when we meet tonight”, reads one. “You’re a legend. Keep smashing it. I just don’t think we’re right for each other right now,” chimes another. “You’re truly a wonderful human and I hope our paths cross soon.” And so on.
“It’s the arrogance of it that bothers me,” said one friend, “like they really think it’s going to be the worst news we’ve ever heard, and we’re going to be so weak and fragile afterwards that we can only tolerate hearing it if they tell us how amazing we are. I know how amazing I am, thank you very much.”
The idea that your rejection would cause such immense harm is obviously rooted in ego, at least in part. “Undue expression of being apologetic can also be an indication of guilt as to how things are ending, especially if it is done in a harsh manner, like directly after sex or an argument,” says clinical psychologist at The Summit Clinic, Marc Hekster.
All this raises a key question: in the increasingly convoluted and fraught world of casual sex and dating, is there ever a right way to reject someone? Having spoken to other single people, I think there are several strong cases to be made for how not to do it.
“I’d been messaging one man for a few weeks before we met up,” says one woman, who would rather stay anonymous. “When we left he said he would call. Then I got the text: ‘I don’t think we have anything in common and these messages must now cease’. It was like receiving a legal letter.”
Another woman received a polite rejection text from a man she’d been dating for a few months, informing her that he’d met someone else. “I wished him luck but then a few weeks later, he messaged to say things were over with the other woman and he was now available to date me again. I said no.”
One man I’d been chatting with text me: ‘I don’t think we have anything in common and these messages must now cease’. It was like receiving a legal letter
As much as we might hate to admit it, rejection is a normal part of the dating process. It’s something we will all encounter at one point or another. Trouble occurs, though, when you’re casually dating someone – for example, within the context of a “situationship” rather than a relationship – and the boundaries for what is and isn’t appropriate become blurry.
This is why it can be easier to get hurt; because the rejection might seemingly come out of nowhere. “There is no one specific ‘right’ way to turn someone down, as each individual is unique; different people prefer to be let down in different ways, if at all,” explains Hekster.
When you get a message along the lines of some of the rejections recounted above, though, it can make you wonder if it would have been easier to have been ghosted. This thought has, admittedly, crossed my mind more than once after receiving a rejection text; sometimes it’s easier not to know. The realist, though, would tell a different story, at least psychologically speaking.
“Ghosting people tends to be upsetting for many as it leaves the rejected party not knowing what went wrong in the situation and it takes away the aspect of closure that many tend to desire,” explains Hekster. “Although rejection is never a good feeling for anyone, it is arguably better than being left in the dark.” Essentially, being ghosted tends to go against human nature. “People who prefer to be ghosted might feel this way as it offers an opportunity to avoid acknowledgement of what has gone wrong in the relationship and thus avoiding the realities of casual relating,” he adds. “While much of communication between people happens in chat, messaging and images, it may be more desirable to speak to someone when ending things as it can leave them with the closure that they may want allied to an explanation. This is especially important for some people who tend to get emotionally attached in situationships; rejecting them more softly can be the way to go.”
There is no escaping that it’s going to be painful. Rejection is rarely a feeling we enjoy, particularly within the already fraught landscape of modern romantic relationships, and especially if that relationship is casual by nature. “Rejection can feel like the world has ended, with catastrophic thinking and feeling, akin to believing one will never find another love again,” says Hekster.
“There seems equally to be a tacit acceptance that when someone is talking to someone in a situationship, there are often several other people who one is talking to simultaneously. Thus, when an involvement suddenly ends, people can be left feeling as if someone has given up on them before they have become known in a more personal way, and this can feel like someone has ended things without giving due chance or recognition.”
However it ends, though, chances are if you’re the person being rejected, you’re going to experience a myriad of complex emotions not dissimilar to grief. These can feel even more intense following a more casual “situationship” as opposed to a relationship because of what that encounter could have been to you; sometimes when there is a lack of clarity in a romantic relationship, we are quick to fill the void with our own imagined fantasies.
“The healthiest approach is to understand that romantic rejection doesn’t define us,” says Chantal Gautier, sexologist and senior lecturer at the University of Westminster. “Dealing with rejection involves reframing it by accepting that sometimes we’re just not the ‘right fit’ and that’s perfectly fine, even though we might not feel it.”
The trickier part, perhaps, is how to do the rejecting. After all, clear and concise communication is hardly a defining feature of the modern dating world. “Speaking to the rejected partner in person is the optimal way to take this kind of action, as when it is done over text there is the risk that words can come across as insincere or sparse,” advises Hekster. It might seem like too much if you’ve only been casually dating this person. But it will inevitably be the kinder way to go about it.
“Direct communication takes courage and strength, and this might not fit with the context in which casual situationship dating occurs,” acknowledges Hekster. For some, though, the short message could be kinder in that it spares the other person feelings of embarrassment from rejection. Ultimately, it will depend on the context of your relationship and the nature of the other person’s feelings towards you. “As for things to avoid: ending a situationship directly after sex is a bad idea, as feelings of vulnerability can lead to feelings of embarrassment, upset and feeling used,” says Hekster.
You also have to strike the right balance between kindness and transparency. “You might want to start by acknowledging that you respect them, which is why you want to be upfront, even if it’s not an easy conversation to have,” suggests Hayley Quinn, dating expert for Match. “You also want to be clear that you’d like a clean break. Remember to ensure you don’t give the other person false hope that you’ll come back ‘once you’ve figured things out’. While that may feel easier to say in the moment and help soften the blow, in the long run, it strings the other person along.”
None of it is easy, or particularly pleasant. But it’s all part of it. Plus, hopefully the worse rejection texts you receive, the less likely you are to send them yourself. I know next time the task befalls me, I’ll take greater care over my words. I’m not in the business of making anyone feel rubbish about themselves – or being the subject of a screenshot that’s shared in multiple WhatsApp groups.