I feel so nervous on dates – how can I be myself?

Psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani says we need to shift our mindset.

Lowering expectations can help (Alamy/PA)

Dating can feel like a job interview – with cocktails. It’s easy to put a lot of expectation on first, or early, dates, questioning if it could be the start of something, putting a huge amount of pressure on it and yourself to come across as the best, most fabulous version of you.

All of that pressure can make dating no fun at all, and leave you as a bundle of nerves. But Dr Lalitaa Suglani, psychologist and eharmony relationship expert, says it’s “completely normal” to struggle to be your true self in these situations.

“First dates can come with a lot of pressure as you want to make a good impression while also navigating the uncertainties of whether there will be a romantic spark. Nervousness can also come from the fear of being rejected or not meeting your date’s expectations.

“Modern dating can be influenced by mixed messages and societal pressures, especially around masculinity. Many men, for example, feel they need to project strength and confidence, even when they might be feeling anxious or unsure. This pressure to conform to stereotypes or perceived ideals can make it difficult for anyone, not just men, to relax and be authentic on a first date.”

However, being able to show your true self is essential for forming meaningful connections, she says.

Embrace the nerves 

“It can help to remind yourself that the person you’re meeting is likely feeling nervous too! The best way to ease those nerves is by focusing on open communication, staying present in the moment, and trying to enjoy the experience rather than aiming for perfection.

“It’s important to give yourself permission to feel nervous and accept that nervousness is part of the process,” Suglani advises.

“When navigating a new relationship, these nerves often stem from a mix of excitement, fear of judgment, or uncertainty about how things will unfold. But it’s important to remember that trust and comfort take time to build, especially with someone we don’t know yet.

“Instead of ignoring the nervousness, it’s helpful to see it as a natural part of the dating process. Embrace it as a sign that you care about making a genuine connection – and remind yourself that the other person may be feeling the same way. Patience, openness, and self-compassion are key in letting your true self shine over time.”

Change your mindset 

In the lead-up to a date, it’s important to focus on being authentic and true to yourself, Suglani says. “While first impressions matter, trying too hard to fit a particular image or expectation can lead to unnecessary pressure. Instead, remember that a date is about getting to know someone and allowing them to get to know you.”

Allow yourself to be open without worrying about “ticking all the boxes” for the other person, she suggest. When you can approach a date without the weight of these expectations, it’s easier to form genuine connections.

“It’s natural to want to show your best side, but the key to forming real, lasting connections is being authentic,” she says. “By relaxing and embracing who you genuinely are, you’ll not only feel more comfortable, but you’ll also attract people who appreciate you for all the right reasons.

“Focus on your values, interests and what really matters to you rather than worrying about what the other person might want to see. Trying to shape yourself into someone else’s ideal rarely works in the long term – instead, celebrate what makes you unique.”

In addition, try shifting your mindset from impressing the other person to simply having a good time. “It can be helpful to keep in mind that dating is a two-way street and it’s not just about whether they like you, but also whether you feel a connection with them,” Suglani says.

“Also, it is important to keep your expectations realistic. Not every date will lead to a long-term relationship, and that’s OK! The goal should be to enjoy yourself, stay open, and see where the connection goes.”

Lower the stakes

While it’s completely understandable to put a lot of pressure on an early date, it’s important to see the bigger picture.

“Often, we view these initial encounters as make-or-break moments, leading to high expectations about everything from how we look to how the conversation flows. This pressure can stem from a desire to impress or make a connection quickly, and sometimes from fear of rejection,” says Suglani.

“We tend to place extreme pressure on first dates as many of us have been conditioned to see dating as a high-stakes situation, where we’re expected to make an instant connection or find ‘the one’.

“But this mindset only increases stress, making it difficult to enjoy the process. To ease this pressure, it’s important to reframe what early dates are really about. Instead of viewing them as a test or an audition, see them as an opportunity to meet someone new and enjoy the experience.”