CORPORATE STRATEGIES THE INSIDE TRACK ON BECOMING A CONSUMMATE PROFESSIONAL

16: It's good to talk. The joys of union membership

There are various ways of drawing attention to your job-related dissatisfaction. One is called Going Down The Pub And Having A Right Old Whinge. More effective, though, is industrial action. It is also preferable to Going Down The Pub in that you might be given some free beer and sandwiches.

Last summer, London Transport workers effectively brought the capital to a complete standstill - paralysing the networks and causing untold misery to millions of frustrated commuters. They also staged a number of highly successful strikes.

Whatever your job, there is probably a professional body dedicated to ensuring that you get fairly treated at work. For journalists: the NUJ. For transport workers: the TGWU. For policemen and High Court Judges: the Masons.

Teachers also have their own union (the NUT) which is directly responsible for influencing their rate of pay (the PEANUT). Actors have a union called Equity. Disillusioned, unemployed actors have a far bigger union, called Negative Equity, securing them badly-paid waitressing-and-washing-up jobs in hotels.

The traditional image of the union meeting is of men in smoke-filled rooms, which is slightly ironic given that two of the major issues responsible for industrial disputes are: (a) Womens' Rights; (b) the dangers of passive smoking.

The advantages of belonging to a union cannot be too highly stressed (unlike yourself). The Three Musketeers had a saying "One For All and All For One", which is the philosophy behind most unions. The Three Musketeers were, of course, Porthos, Athos and Aramis, although there is also a shady Fourth Musketeer, ACAS, whose identity was concealed by an Iron Mask(in compliance with Hard Hat Zone regulations).

One of the more hotly-disputed issues of recent times is Nurses' Pay. If you are a nurse, and think you may be underpaid, your best bet is to contact the National Union of Journalists who will advise you what the going rate is per thousand words of "exclusive revelation" about your Saudi Hostage Nightmare.

The intricacies of Union Action can, however, be puzzling to the average employee. At times, union jargon can be downright baffling. Fortunately your Union Rep will be able (unlike a Sales Rep) to ensure that you receive the best deal. If you have a justifiable complaint about your job, there are various courses of action which your Union can take:

1. The Strike. Not working is a tried and tested method for getting a pay rise. If you keep this behaviour up for long enough you may even be mistaken for the chairman and given a six figure salary.

2. The Go-Slow. Not recommended as far as high-profile disputes go. However, if you happen to be a) a train driver, b) a bank teller, c) a barman or d) a Municipal Labourer, then your boss may actually notice an improvement in your performance.

3. The Sit-In. Popular with student unions, although now being superceded by the even more popular "lie-in".

4. The Walk-Out. Popular with Prison Staff (and at many high-security institutions, with prison inmates as well).

5. Wild-Cat Action. A sudden, unexpected decision to cease working. Not to be confused with Fat-Cat Action, which is a completely expected decision to cease working, but continue to occupy a massive office and receive full pay.

6. Celebrity Endorsement. Having a star name associated with your cause is guaranteed to raise public awareness. Be careful which celebrities you choose, though. The following are unlikely to have the desired effect:

l Equal Rights for Women: Bernard Manning, Dame Edna, George Michael.

l Stamp Out Racism: Michael Jackson.

l Bring Your Daughter To Work: Cecil Parkinson.