‘It ruined Christmas’: How not to argue with your partner over money this festive season
Whether you’re fighting over the electricity bill or frustrated by the cost of the turkey, Christmas is ripe with opportunities to tussle with your partner over finances, writes Olivia Petter. But is there a smarter, easier way to deal with it all?
Your support helps us to tell the story
From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.
At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.
The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.
Your support makes all the difference.Few times of year offer more opportunities for couples to argue than Christmas. Whose in-laws will you be visiting this year? Which group of friends will you go for a walk with on Boxing Day? And what are you going to do about New Year’s Eve? The potential for tension is vast, but perhaps no more so than when you start to involve finances.
Research by Monzo has found that couples argue about money roughly five times a month, with almost one third (30 per cent) of couples arguing more during the festive season. This makes sense – think about the many ways money can spark a rift around this time of year. Who are you buying (and not buying) presents for? Who is (and isn’t) sticking to the set budget? Who is giving the best gifts to whom? And so on.
Then consider the economic climate: last December, a poll of more than 2,033 adults in the UK by the charity Relate found that the cost of living crisis was “likely to be the main cause of arguments” over the festive season. The survey also found that more than a quarter of respondents (28 per cent) said they were avoiding hosting Christmas year due to the economy, while almost a quarter (22 per cent) said they wouldn’t be spending Christmas with their family because it was too expensive to travel. A quarter (25 per cent) had also taken on extra work or additional shifts to pay for Christmas rather than spending time with their family.
As we enter into yet another brutal winter with even more brutal bills, this will inevitably worsen – festive tension won’t just revolve around gifts, but the amount of time the heating is kept on, or how much electricity is being used to light the tree.
Monzo’s report, which surveyed 2,000 adults in the UK, also found that almost half (47 per cent) of people have lied to their partner about money. Additionally, 27 per cent of people felt their partner wasn’t very good at managing money, while 23 per cent thought their partner was impulsive with their spending habits. These issues, while potentially minor in isolation, can become serious when placed among other preexisting problems; Monzo found that 15 per cent of people have broken up with their partner over a money issue.
“Financial arguments can absolutely be a make or break for couples during the holiday season,” says Paul Brunson, a relationship expert and Married at First Sight UK co-host. “Let’s be honest, times are tough right now, and the added financial burden of holiday gift-giving is certain to add strain to even the best budgeters. This is due to increased pressure to spend on gifts and festivities, plus conflicting expectations and differing spending habits – that can all lead to stress and disagreements. Depending on how heated the argument gets, it can even dig up deeper issues.”
“When we’re worried about whether we’ll be able to pay the bills in January, we might get triggered and react angrily to somebody turning the heating on,” adds Relate counsellor Holly Roberts. “For the person on the receiving end of this anger, their first response may be to act defensively – before you know it, there’s a full-blown argument.”
You need to start to talk about money early in the relationship. I know it’s a taboo, but the more you talk about it, the less scary it becomes
The trouble is that if these issues aren’t resolved fast enough, they can be a quickfire way of stamping out the Christmas cheer altogether. “My parents argued every Christmas, right after the present opening every year, without fail,” says Milly*, 56. “It ruined Christmas for us because neither of them ever stuck to their budgets and would always be trying to outdo one another.”
The most important thing you can do in these scenarios – if you’re the one arguing – is to try and see where your partner is coming from. “If somebody wants to turn the heating on or off and you don’t agree, for example, try to understand what fear or unmet need is behind this,” suggests Roberts. “Acknowledge that you can see this is important to them and use ‘I’ statements to express how you’re feeling without placing blame on the other person. Hopefully, from a place of greater understanding, you can reach some kind of compromise.”
When a couple is arguing about money, it’s usually an indication that conflicting feelings around finances haven’t been addressed soon enough. It’s a common issue given how reluctant so many of us are to talk about money; for many of us, the subject remains shrouded in stigma.
“You need to start to talk about money early in the relationship,” suggests Brunson. “I know it’s a taboo, but the more you talk about it, the less scary it becomes.” If you’ve already passed that mark, and want to prevent further festive bust-ups, the best thing to do is create a plan for how your holiday spending will work out in advance and set clear budgets.
“These conversations don’t have to be scary – make yourselves a snack board and have a glass of wine, make it a date,” says Brunson. “Create a shared financial vision board that helps you both visualise your financial goals, not only on a large scale, but also for specific, more spendy occasions like the holidays.”
But this is easier said than done. After all, most of us have a fraught relationship with our finances. Depending on how we were raised, and how much we had, childhood experiences with money can easily shape our adult experiences, leading to various vulnerabilities and triggers that can easily flare up at this time of year. To stop things escalating when that happens, Brunson suggests “self-soothing”. “Try removing yourself from a situation temporarily to cool down before coming back to the table with a level head,” he says. “Writing letters is also a fantastic tool to ground your conversations and slow things down so you’re not making any rash comments in the heat of the moment.”
Things get a little more complex when lies are involved. This is an understandable sticking point for many couples, with 35 per cent of people admitting to being worried their partner is lying about their spending habits, according to Monzo. If you do catch your partner lying about how much they spent on a particular gift, or how much they withdrew from their account to pay for the family meal, the best thing you can do in the first instance is to come from a place of understanding.
“Ask yourself: why did they feel like they couldn’t be honest with you?” says Brunson. “How can you work together to prevent another financial fib?” He suggests that one practical solution, if you don’t already have this in place, is to create a joint account that both of you can access. “Agree how much you both contribute monthly as well as what it can and can’t be used for,” he says. “This will help you become more mindful of how your spending impacts your partner and ultimately bring you both closer together.”
*Names have been changed