‘It sent me insane’: How casual, label-free dating became the new normal
Ambiguity and situationships seem to rule the roost when it comes to modern relationships. Olivia Petter investigates whether the trend of ‘not attached to outcomes’ dating is taking the pressure off new couples – or driving us all to distraction
Ruby*, 34, had never felt happier leading up to the moment she said goodbye to Harry. The two of them had just spent the weekend together in a remote Airbnb in Scotland. “The whole thing was unbelievably romantic,” she recalls. “We were acting like a couple the whole time, cooking for each other, taking baths together, going on long hikes. It was perfect.” The trip went so well, they extended it by a night. And then another. They eventually said their goodbyes – and that’s when the panic hit.
“I suddenly realised I had no idea when I was seeing him again,” says Ruby. “We hadn’t defined anything. Nor had either of us talked about what was happening between us when we were together. So we just left each other and that was that. It sent me insane.”
Ruby’s story is far from unique. In today’s dating scene, ambiguity rules the roost, anecdotally and statistically. According to new data from Tinder, 69 per cent of 4,000 Gen Z members surveyed agree that, as they get older, following a conventional relationship timeline matters less to them. Meanwhile, Bumble has similar findings, with 31 per cent of members revealing they’re intentionally “slow dating” without a specific end goal or focus on traditional milestones. Just one in five (23 per cent) say they’re dating solely to find a spouse.
So what’s happening? Are we dating just for the sake of it? Or has the proliferation of casual sex culture bled into the way we approach relationships, too? Is this our new “normal”?
“We found that Gen Z singles are ushering in a new era which values meaningful connections and overall wellbeing, above all else,” says Paul Brunson, global relationships insights expert at Tinder. “It’s not that they don’t want to commit, but that they value authenticity and only want to commit if the other person is seen as being a compatible partner.” Perhaps, then, this could be seen as a net positive? “The ‘all or nothing’ mindset means less time is wasted and more is focused on forming meaningful connections, so having the ‘what are we?’ conversation happens authentically rather than being a daunting task.”
But what if both parties are too scared to have the ‘what are we?’ conversation at all – and end up staying stuck in obscurity as a result? “Harry and I have had conversations since that weekend and seen each other once more but there’s still no real clarity,” adds Ruby. “He’s busy, as am I. So we keep seeing each other and enjoying it. But there’s no clear trajectory and I can’t seem to get a straight answer from him as to what he’s looking for.”
This isn’t a problem that’s just affecting Gen Z daters. Data from Hinge found that 46 per cent of its users have avoided defining a relationship with someone purely because they weren’t sure how to bring it up. “Use this conversation to gather more information so that you can make the right decision for yourself,” advises Hinge’s director of relationship science, Logan Ury. “If someone views you as a potential partner, wouldn’t you prefer to know sooner rather than later?”
It’s easier said than done, though, particularly in a landscape that feels fraught with miscommunication and misunderstanding. “I was dating a guy for a few weeks and things were going really well,” says Jane*, 30. “Then he told me he’d be going away for six weeks, so I figured we had to have some sort of conversation at that point to work out whether it was going to go anywhere.” Jane brought it up after they’d been out for drinks. “He’d been a little more reticent but I told him how much I was enjoying seeing him casually and that I wanted to continue seeing him when he came back to London. He let me ramble for a while before eventually admitting that he was actually going away to see if he could patch things up with his ex-girlfriend. I just wish I’d known that sooner; I probably never would’ve gone out with him in the first place.”
When you don’t know where the relationship could end up, it can be really daunting
Situations like this are all too common. People date casually, with no clear progression. Usually out of fear of rejection or abandonment, they refrain from being upfront about what they are – and aren’t – looking for. By the time they pluck up the courage to have the conversation, they may well uncover some nasty truths about the other person’s situation.
“Having clarity is important when dating so that everyone is on the same page from the outset to avoid any feelings being hurt later down the line,” says Brunson. “Often when you don’t have clarity in where you stand with a partner, it can lead you to feeling out of control and unsure of what you should be putting into the situation. It can be a little confusing and lead to insecurities which can create challenges when forming relationships.”
It’s also a breeding ground for triggering self-esteem issues. “When you don’t know where the relationship could end up, it can be really daunting. The feeling of ‘am I good enough’ or ‘am I wasting my time’ can slowly start to creep in, so that lack of clarity can understandably be difficult to cope with,” Brunson adds.
Of course, some people will be more than happy to float along in a casual relationship for weeks or months on end. But those people are likely to have a fear of commitment or other underlying issues that make them hold back, consciously or unconsciously. Most of us are wired for tangible connections, and you’re generally not going to find those if you’re seeing someone indefinitely without a defined trajectory or “label”, leaving thoughts and feelings unsaid.
That being said, taking your time is not always a bad thing; it’s important to differentiate between a relationship that is slowly building and one that is going nowhere. “Dating is all about doing it at your own pace,” says Brunson. “Whether that’s slow, fast or somewhere in between. There’s no set time frame on your own dating journey, and it’s up to you how you want to approach a potential flame.”
Sometimes it can be helpful to remember that it takes time to work out what you want – and that goes for you as well as your partner. “One of the biggest trends to come out of 2023 was Nato dating (not attached to outcomes),” adds Brunson. “The more laid-back approach to dating takes away all the pressure from finding ‘the one’, and allows you to embrace the present.”
If you time it right, the benefit could be an honest, grounded relationship, as was the case for Hinge user Khai Bellamy. “I had to initiate the ‘what are we?’ conversation more than just once,” she says. “My partner and I both had pasts that made us hesitant to make things official and, ultimately, it took time for us to be ready. But we checked in on occasion and set boundaries as we went.”
However, even she warns about the damage that undefined drifting can do. “I think there’s a lot of ‘grey area’ in casual dating, and after a certain amount of time, too much confusion and lack of direction can sink a relationship. Even if both people are set on being labelless, open, committed, casual, etc, being honest about what you want can save a lot of time and heartbreak.”
Ultimately I know that I want to be with someone who doesn’t constantly make me wonder if they want to be with me
With this in mind, timing for the “where is this going” conversation is key. “Bring it up when you feel ready to stop seeing other people,” suggests Ury. “This moment varies for different individuals. If you tend to rush into things, consider seeking input from a few friends to get a gut check on your timing.”
Of course, like Jane, you might not always get the answer you were looking for – in which case, it could put an abrupt end to whatever situationship you were in the midst of. “In these cases, make sure you express gratitude for their honesty, even if you’re disappointed,” adds Ury. “This will foster an environment where they feel comfortable being truthful with you in the future.”
As for Ruby and Harry, they’re no longer seeing each other. But that hasn’t stopped Ruby from remaining positive about the future. “I ended up calling it off because I realised I was putting way too much energy into something that didn’t have any clear-cut beginning, middle or end. He was disappointed and a part of me worries I’ll regret it. But ultimately I know that I want to be with someone who doesn’t constantly make me wonder if they want to be with me. I deserve to find someone who’s certain.”
*Names have been changed
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