Bridget Jones's Diary

Thursday 4 July

9st 0, alcohol units 4. cigarettes 12 (no longer priority: weight loss is) calories 3,752 (pre-diet) cappuccinos 6.

Heavy cappuccino trauma. V. late for work, no time for cappuccino but on other hand feel will be unable to do work if do not have cappuccino.

Cannot quite believe extent to which cappuccinos have taken over people's lives, giving certain city areas appearance of Communist or war-torn cultures with people standing patiently in huge queues for hours as if waiting for bread in Sarajevo while others sweat, roasting and grinding beans, banging metal things full of gunge around, with steam hissing.

Why the cappuccinos now? Why? Feel sure they existed in "coffee bars" when I was child, but then thought nothing of them whatsoever until about 18 months ago. Is odd when people generally show less and less willingness to wait for anything that should be prepared to do so for this one thing, as if in cruel modern world is only thing one can really trust and hold on to.

Oh, sod it! Will go in a bit late to work. Cannot manage without the lovely cappuccino.

10.30am: Loos, work. Ugh! Got blowing-up from Richard Finch for being late and for not filling in holiday leave.

"Come on, Bridget. Don't be coy," the great lump bellowed in front of everyone. "When are you going?"

"Oh, um, yar, yar," I said, airily.

"Well if you don't fill it in, my darling, you won't be able to go."

"Sure, sure, yar, just need to check out the dates," I said and shot in here to toilets. Oh God, oh God! Am only person in whole office not going on holiday. Am social outcast and have no one to go on holiday with. Jude will not come as is getting married. Tom is going to Ibiza with Pretentious Jerome, and Shazzer is being evasive. Think she is waiting to see if Leonard the aerobics teacher will take her. Thank God have got cappuccino anyway.

4pm: Hurrah. Shazzer just rung.

"Bridge," she mumbled.

"What?" I said sulkily.

"Do you want to go on holiday?"

"I thought you didn't want to go with me?" 'Well I just thought I'd wait till ...

"Till what?"

"Well I thought maybe it might work out with ... Leonard."

"And?"

"It didn't," she mumbled.

Hmm. Torn between sorriness for Sharon over stupid Leonard, huge excitement about having lovely friend to go on holiday with, and feelings of inadequacy as Shaz will spend whole holiday wishing I was aerobics teacher with enormous penis and could not be further from same.

"Bridge," said Shaz cajolingly, "We might meet someone gorgeous on holiday."

"Oh, all right, then," I said.

6.30pm: V. excited, Shazz and I are going to Thailand. Shazz has found brilliant flight for only pounds 325 and we are going to get away from the other tourists and be like real travellers, living in simple huts. Actually, I think it will be vg for me spiritually. Also am going to travel v. light with capsule wardrobe, just a couple of bikinis and a sarong. Aargh.

Urgent Bikini Diet weight-loss target programme.

Fri 5 July 9st 0

Sat 6 July 8st 13

Sun 7 July 8st 12

Mon 8 July 8st 11

Tues 9 July 8st 10

Wed 10 July 8st 9

Thurs 11 July 8st 8

Hurray! So by a week today will be almost down to target weight, and with body-bulk thus adjusted all will need to do is alter texture and arrangement of fat through exercise. Have often felt it unfair that fat can not merely be rearranged by hand thereby removing the need to diet. Would merely squeeze self around as if with Playdoh, creating marvellous pneumatic effect of huge bouncing breasts, tiny weeny waist, board-like midriff, and luscious hips. Or maybe just squeeze entire self-into long thin shape in manner of new aristocratic androgynous models such as Stella Tennant. Anyway important thing in first place is to stick to diet. Will start with Scarsdale tomorrow: grapefruit, dry toast and black coffee for breakfast.

Friday 6 July

9st2

Hmm. Target seems to be going wrong way.

9am: Have had hideous starvation breakfast, but suddenly remember it is important to eat big breakfast. Last August, for example, started having hazelnut pastry and chocolate croissant every morning, and lost loads of weight. So will have cappuccino and croissant as usual.

10am: Actually think if just eat fruit and vegetables will be more flexible way of losing weight so will have banana now.

10.05am: Think will have another banana now.

12.30: Shaz just rang from Pizza Express to ask if I want to come and look at brochure.Oh sod it. Best way to lose weight, actually is to eat what you like and just exercise. So goody will have pizza then go to gym after work.

8pm: Just got back from gym feeling marvellous but ravenous. Goody. Have got loaf of warm bread from Cullens. Have read that people who exercise a lot need lots of carbohydrate Ooh goody parmesan in fridge will just have little slice.

8.15pm: Actually might as well finish bread and Parmesan as am going to anyway.

9pm: Jude just rang and said to come out for a drink. Actually might as well be realistic. Cannot possibly give up wine. Will stick to diet, except for wine in manner of Nigel Lawson.

11.30pm: Argor. Sno point going on diet anymore today asuve already buggered it up. Will have biscuit.

Saturday 6 July

9st 3.

Am going to be fat on holiday. Wonder if will have cappuccinos in Thailand to cheer self up?