‘She completely took me for granted’: What happens when bridesmaids realise they actually hate the bride?
No one likes to conjure sexist images of ‘bridezillas’ run amok, but it is true that being the bridesmaid to a friend can lead to resentment, feuding and all kinds of outrageous self-involvement. Olivia Petter meets the women whose wedding day responsibilities ended up being a funeral for their friendships
Alice*, 35, knew things were going to be difficult when she received a torrent of WhatsApp messages from the bride-to-be. She’d suddenly decided she no longer trusted her own sister to plan her hen do, and desperately needed Alice to step in and save the day. Oh, and she also had three weeks to do it. “I pulled it together somehow,” Alice recalls. “But on the day, the bride behaved horribly, acting as though she hadn’t wanted a hen do at all and cringing at all of the activities she’d asked me to organise. Everyone found it very awkward and confusing.”
Despite having been close since teenagers, the pair fell out shortly after the wedding. “She just seemed to completely take me for granted and expected to take without any giving whatsoever,” Alice recalls. “It made me think it was better she was out of my life.”
It might sound extreme, but bridesmaids falling out with the bride has become a common – if often unsaid – story among millennial women. One survey from 2014 found that as many as one-third of British brides lose contact with a bridesmaid after they get married. Anecdotally, meanwhile, stories are rife. Just ask anyone who’s been a bridesmaid.
It’s hardly a fashionable thing to admit to; complaining about an overzealous, high-maintenance, demanding bride instantly conjures up sexist connotations. No one really wants to bring back the phrase “bridezilla”, least of all any forward-thinking, modern-day millennial woman. That said, there is clearly a conversation needing to be had about the bride-bridesmaid dynamic – one that, for all intents and purposes, can easily slip into toxic territory.
“Wedding planning and being part of a wedding can be very emotional experiences, and both brides, as well as bridesmaids, may have particular wishes as to how the wedding should go and what kind of support should be offered,” explains psychologist Daria Kuss. “If expectations placed on the bridesmaid are too high, this can result in conflict. Similarly, if the bridesmaid is not supportive of the bride and her wedding choices, this may lead to disagreements and may negatively impact their relationship.”
With contemporary weddings involving so much planning and money – the average wedding in the UK costs a staggering £18,400 – it’s not hard to see how things might turn sour. Not only is there the intense pressure of facilitating the perfect day for your friend, there is also the added intensity of doing so under the watchful eye of their family and other friends, not to mention their partner. And boy, do these things turn sour.
“My friend was a bridesmaid and got disinvited by the bride after the hen party,” one person tells me. “They don’t speak at all now.” Another person confessed how, when she was a bridesmaid to a close friend, the bride wound up making three out of the five bridesmaids cry at the hen do. “She was so rude to us,” she explains. “Ignoring us and bossing us around after we had done so much for her insanely overboard weekend and she showed us no gratitude. It made me never want to be a bridesmaid again.”
She was incredibly specific and incredibly vague about what she wanted. After a lot of pushing she picked a seaside town and insisted everything had to be as cheap as possible. But on the day, she sulked, turned her nose up when we suggested going to the beach, and kept saying, ‘I thought it would be all about me’
Then there are the stories that sound as if they’ve been pulled straight from a bad romantic comedy. One person told me: “The bride I was previously a bridesmaid for tried to sleep with my soon-to-be husband a week before my wedding.” Suffice to say, they no longer speak.
While the problems and disagreements are wide-ranging, there are often some common threads, namely the way bridesmaids felt they had been treated by brides: like employees as opposed to friends. This was the case for Lucy*, 31, who wasn’t even given an official bridesmaid title yet still felt like she was working for her friend in the run-up to her wedding. “She told me that she thought she could only have one or two bridesmaids, or that she felt she would have to ask all of her close friends, which would’ve been seven,” she recalls. “The groom had that number of groomsmen so I’m not sure why it was an issue at the time.”
Lucy and the bride had previously lived and travelled together, often speaking multiple times a week. Despite not being one of the bridesmaids, Lucy was put in charge of planning not one but two hen dos: one in Mallorca and another in London. “She told me it was a way of ensuring I felt included without being a bridesmaid,” she explains. “But the actual bridesmaids didn’t have any responsibilities aside from turning up in a dress on the big day. Needless to say, the bride and I are not on speaking terms these days.”
It seems that hen dos are the sticking point for many. To anyone who’s ever organised one, this might not be surprising when you consider just how much fanfare can be involved. There are, for example, the strategic stripper surprises and ample decoration costs. But then there’s dealing with a group of people who, in all likelihood, barely know one another, and then asking them for hundreds of pounds upfront without any clarity as to what they’re paying for.
“Planning my childhood friend’s hen was a nightmare,” says May*, 37. “She was incredibly specific and incredibly vague about what she wanted. After a lot of pushing she picked a seaside town and insisted everything had to be as cheap as possible. But on the day, she sulked, turned her nose up when we suggested going to the beach, and kept saying ‘I thought it would be all about me’. She only cheered up when I suggested at dinner [that we all go] around and [say] our favourite memory of her.”
It’s not just bridesmaids who build resentments, though. In some cases, it’s the bride who winds up pushing a bridesmaid away over their behaviour. “I fell out with one of my bridesmaids because she couldn’t commit to anything, no matter how flexible everyone else was,” says Milly*, 29. “She was never free for dress shopping or fittings, which we had to rearrange at least five times. We ended up buying dresses online and she said the style didn’t suit her, so we had to return them.” With two months to go before the wedding, Milly still hadn’t managed to find suitable bridesmaid dresses.
“She was also supposed to arrange the hen do and then told me she couldn’t make it without having organised anything,” Milly continues. “I eventually asked her with six weeks to go until the wedding if she would still like to be a bridesmaid. She said no and I found someone else. We haven’t spoken since that conversation over 10 years ago.”
Looking back on their respective fallouts, some of those involved suspect their friendships had already reached boiling points; the bride-bridesmaid dynamic just happened to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. “I think the pressure that is placed on you as a woman getting married just got too much,” says Alice regarding her friend’s behaviour. “I could tell she was very insecure about doing it ‘right’, hence the indecision and not knowing how to behave like a normal person. Also, maybe she thought I’d be genuinely happy to organise the hen? I’m certainly the ‘organiser’ in my friendship group and love to plan fun birthdays for my friends but this woman just massively took advantage of it over the years, and on that occasion basically treated me like a paid member of staff.”
However strained your friendship may be, there are ways to avoid a bust-up ahead of the big day. “The key thing is to openly communicate expectations from both sides,” says Kuss. “The bride should communicate what she expects from the bridesmaid, and the bridesmaid in turn should let the bride know how she may be able to meet those expectations. This will help in avoiding any conflict or possible future resentment.”
Also, it might be worth choosing your bridesmaids carefully, and if chosen, inquiring as to what will be expected of you. It’s hardly common for anyone to turn down the opportunity of being a bridesmaid, but it shouldn’t be considered compulsory; everyone is within their right to turn it down if the expectations are beyond their capacity. Besides, people have jobs, children, responsibilities… it’s worth factoring all this in when considering being a bridesmaid for a close friend.
“The most important thing for both brides and their bridesmaids is to ensure that expectations, wishes and possibilities of support are openly and directly communicated,” adds Kuss. “This way, bridesmaids will be aware of what the bride may want from them, and they can in turn communicate how they may be able to meet those expectations. If the expectations placed on the bridesmaid are too high, they may suggest involving another bridesmaid and come up with alternative solutions.”
And, in some cases, it’s about recognising that those alternative solutions might be walking away from a friendship altogether. It may seem dramatic, but in the long run it could be what’s best for both of you.
* Names changed