Auntie Ag & Uncle Ony

A few years ago my boyfriend used to go out with Patsy Kensit. He says he left her because he no longer fancied her. But recently he asked me if I'd like a change of hairstyle - a short blonde bob, perhaps. Then he gave me an anti-cellulite cream for my birthday, saying it would make my breasts smaller and firmer. And yesterday, he asked if I would mind if he called me Patsy, instead of Rachel, my name. Do you think this sounds normal?

Rachel, Soho.

Uncle Ony: Hmm. It seems to me your boyfriend's problem is essentially breast-based; holding on to his old love, symbolised by a specific breast form, thus blocking and creating deadness in the new. Does he, I wonder, have a picture of Patsy Kensit's breasts? If you could send me the picture, together with a picture of your own breasts, I will be able to advise you further.

Auntie Ag: Darling, you must put a stop to this at once. Confide to your boyfriend that you used to go out with Leo Sayer. Suggest dinner at his place and ask if he would mind popping on a dark curly wig, singing in a high voice and sitting on a very low chair at the table - and then see if he doesn't think better of himself.

Six weeks ago I started sharing a flat with my friend, which I was, like, really, really into. Almost immediately she started to complain about me chanting in the mornings. I only chant for 40 minutes but she says it ruins her cappuccino. I think she is unbelievably shallow.

Patchouli, Portobello.

Uncle Ony: Your friend's apparently unreasonable reaction is something to which you must respond, Patchouli, not with hurt or anger but healing. Try to see her objections as a cry, a cry of "I am spiritually thirsting. I'm afraid". What she is really asking is that you should do the chanting together. Try taking her by the hand, looking into her eyes, and suggesting this in a soft voice.

Auntie Ag: Darling, have you ever thought of doing the chanting in the park? Lovely for chanting this time of year, I hear, with all the blossoms and the skaters. Failing that, why not simply record the chanting on a cassette and play it on a Sony Walkman - then you, too, can enjoy a cappuccino and perhaps even a glance through Hello! and a bit of a manicure at the same time.

My wife and I have been looking for a house in the country for ages. We've finally found the house of our dreams but I've been pretending all along that I've got enough money to buy it. When we got married her mother said I would never be any use. She said I was a bum and always would be. I wonder if you could think of a way to fake a gazumping?

Piers, Wiltshire.

Uncle Ony: The country house problem is a really positive sign of the healthy state of your marriage. When you experience loving commitment, every bit of old pain and unfinished business with family members will come up disguised as problems asking to be healed. Tell your wife the truth, and explain that you realise you have been blaming your own sense of failure on your wife's needs and the views of her family. Say you want to take the path to higher commitment together, then stand back and wait for your love to stop time and start eternity.

Auntie Ag: Darling, one must never, never fake a gazumping. Ever since When Harry Met Sally everyone's been at it. Far better to say, to one's partner, "Darling, I'm having problems coming to fruition," and get one of those lovely Miriam Stoppard books with all the dirty pictures in.