auntie ag & uncle ony

My wife and I married six months ago. As we are both deeply religious we had no sexual relations until we were married. Two months after the wedding she announced that she was pregnant and has just given birth. The baby weighs 9lb 3oz and the doctor said he is very normal and healthy. I am tremendously happy but a little puzzled: surely babies normally take nine months not six before they are ready?

Joshua, Hendon

Uncle Ony: You are quite right that the normal gestation period for a child is nine months and I find it surprising that there has been so little sharing in your relationship that this extremely serious matter has not been discussed. Honesty is a vital ingredient in any marriage and you must share your anxieties with your wife, ideally in the presence of a counsellor.

Auntie Ag: Joshua, darling, babies do usually take nine months before they are "ready". But there are more unusual things going on in heaven and earth than any of us can get to the bottom of, and the important thing is to be happy. I suggest the three of you concen-

trate on having a lovely time at the moment. Why not forget about it till the subject of the next baby comes up, then ask your wife how long she thinks it will be until the next one is "ready".

My boyfriend is devastatingly attractive but useless in bed. He is passive, never looks at me and just flops around expecting me to do everything, briefly turns into a pneumatic drill, then flops off again.

Janine, Portsmouth

Uncle Ony: You are talking as if love-making were some kind of competitive sport or test of skill rather than the shared expression of a mutual feeling between (most usually) two people. This has clearly communicated itself to your boyfriend who has responded by attempting to detach himself from the sexual act rather than being judged. You need to win his trust again. Next time you are in bed together, look deep into his eyes and tell him how much you care for him by saying something loving and inviting, for example: "Fill me with your love seed".

Auntie Ag: Darling, I'm always deeply suspicious of men who are selfish in bed. If you're really keen, simply ask him to indulge a little fantasy of yours and become your "sex slave" for a night. Leave him in no doubt whatsoever as to how things should be done, and if he fails to take the hint you'll just have to play the sex slave game every bloody night.

A bloke that I work with has become more and more friendly. He is always coming over to talk and really looking hard into my eyes or hanging around so we can have lunch together. The thing is, everyone keeps telling me he has a girlfriend he's been with for years. I don't want to get all keen on him if there's no hope.

Sarah, Hull

Uncle Ony: I am constantly surprised by the narrowness of young people's views today. This man is not married and therefore he is still experimenting. For all you know his relationship is on the rocks, he is interested in you and wants to find out more. Don't be so defensive; give him a chance.

Auntie Ag: You're absolutely right to be suspicious. He sounds like one of those nightmare men who think they deserve a safe relationship at home and lots of bits on the side to boost their egos. If I were you, I'd rap him smartly on the knuckles with your portable phone and ask him straight out what he's up to.