Auntie ag & uncle ony

Testimony

Last year a dozen women friends of mine formed a club where every month we choose a book to read and meet to discuss it. The idea was to take it in turns to host the meeting. Because I'm married to someone quite well off - even if he is a boring bastard - I've got the biggest house, and because I'm used to cooking for the boring bastard and his business associates I put on a good fork supper. More and more excuses are being made why people can't have the meeting at their houses, so they always want to have it at mine. The reason I joined was to do something for myself and get away from mindless entertaining, but now I'm the one doing the fork supper practically every time.

Merle, Chester.

Uncle Ony: This is a problem of your own making, Merle. You yearn for self-fulfilment yet feel you are too unworthy, or inadequate to find it. Perhaps without realising it, you are signalling to these women that you feel your role is to cater, to make up for your deficiencies in other areas. This is the problem you must address.

Auntie Ag: Darling! What are you doing? No self-respecting woman allows herself to be a galley slave. Simply tell the book club the next time they come to your house is when they've all done their turns, and inform your husband the kitchen is closed until further notice, and all corporate entertaining will in future take place in restaurants. They'll all think a hundred times more of you - and you'll have hours more to shop in!

My girlfriend and I were watching a programme on television which was all about a girl telling her ex-boyfriend she'd never had an orgasm when she was with him but had faked all of them. I noticed my girlfriend wasn't laughing. Afterwards I asked her if she'd ever faked an orgasm and she said: "Actually yes. All of them. With you anyway." That was a week ago and I haven't been able to get an erection since.

Gav, Leicester

Uncle Ony: Your physical reaction doesn't surprise me and I am not surprised that you are "turned off" by this insensitive and arrogant girl. Why should this be your failure rather than hers - even if she does try to mask it by transparently pretending that it is only you out of her lovers who has "failed" her. If you really care for her, I might be able to help you both with a course of sexual counselling where, beginning with "stroking" and non-penetrative intercourse, leading up to demonstration, the two of you will learn how best to satisfy each other. But are you sure she is the girl for you?

Auntie Ag: Honestly what a fuss about nothing. Women are always faking orgasms. They're really much more difficult for us than you and sometimes one really can't be bothered. I'm sure your girlfriend was just exaggerating to get attention or annoy you and now it's got all tense. It's vital you defuse the situation as soon as possible. Tell her that you've been faking all your orgasms, too, and you've decided you should sleep with a pillow between you in future. I'm sure you'll soon both get tired of the pillow, then you can make up your own sex therapy.

Is it rude to ask people how much the home they're buying costs? I've just bought a flat and I'm appalled how many people come straight out and say: "How much did you pay for it ?"

Phillipa, Battersea

Uncle Ony: Why should you mind this, Phillipa? What are you trying to hide from your friends? Are you ashamed that the flat is not as expensive as you would like your friends to think? Or are you so afraid of being taken advantage of that you wish to disguise the extent of your wealth? Either way, your question is clearly not about etiquette but how to deal with a basic dishonesty in your life.

AuntIe Ag: The thing is, Phillipa, as anyone who's ever followed the tabloids knows, it's easy for anyone to find out how much any house on the market costs that there's really no point in pretending, so normal etiquette goes out of the window. I suggest you tell everyone who asks exactly how much it cost in a confidential whisper prefaced by "Well, I'll tell you because it's you, but don't breathe a word to anyone." That way everyone will love you and think they're your best friend and the whole thing will seem so much more exciting.

When my boyfriend gives me oral sex he has no idea what he's doing. I get the feeling he's only doing it to be polite and I'm only putting up with it to be polite. What to do?

Joanna, Harrogate

Uncle Ony: Sex, like money, Joanna, is always a symbol of something deeper. What you seem to be telling me is that you are both in the relationship only to be polite. Something to get your head round, huh?

Auntie Ag: Tell me about it, Joanna, darling. I don't know what they think goes on down there but none of them has the first clue unless you show them. The thing is they're all so frightfully hypersensitive you have to treat their ego with kid gloves. "Confess" to your boyfriend that you've never in your whole life been able to overcome your shame about oral sex enough to enjoy it. He, however, is such a marvellous and skilful lover you're are sure you could achieve this with him: if only he will indulge your fantasy and become your "slave" for a few nights. Then you can give him a quick instruction course, he'll improve beyond bounds, you'll be happy and he'll think he's Superman.