auntie ag and uncle ony

Bringing up baby

My husband has just informed me that he wants us to have a baby! He is a lovely man but hopeless with responsibility, though he swears that he will change. He says he will take on half of all childcare duties, though at the moment he cannot even work the washing machine! What do you think?

Adele, Leicester

Uncle Ony: Having a child is often the catalyst for a new direction in male behaviour, so you can proceed with some confidence. But do bear in mind that male and female notions of responsibility are different. The example of working the washing machine is, in fact, a very female carer/nurturer attribute. You will find that your husband's hunter/gatherer instincts will kick in; you will certainly be able to rely on him to go to the supermarket and tend the vegetable patch (if you have one).

Auntie Ag: I would be wary, darling. Take it slowly. Start him off on a dear little Tamagotchi; if he can keep a series of them happy for, say, six months, you may be onto something.

sighs matter

A woman in my office has just given up her managerial position, but in an attempt to remain important-looking, she has taken to huffing and puffing, sighing and blowing raspberries every time she answers the phone, picks up a pen etc. One day she is going to sigh and I am going to grab her by the hair and slam her head into the wall. It is like working in an ante-natal class for pregnant Darth Vaders.

Lisa, London N7

Uncle Ony: Your colleague, poor woman, is desperately trying to retain as many pathetically tattered shreds of seniority as she can. How well I remember when I was unexpectedly demoted from my first job; I over-compensated by starting my entire family on deep analysis! Defer to her, be extremely polite and gradually she will achieve her own mental gear-shift and accept the misery and humiliation of her lesser post.

Auntie Ag: Every time she sighs, rush to turn the air conditioning down, saying that it is making frightfully strange and alarming huffy, puffy noises. The next spell of hot weather will encourage her to stop sounding like a faulty bloody cooling unit, angel.

costume drama

I keep reading endless articles in newspapers' women's magazines headed "Which swimming costume suits your shape best?" but I still can't work it out and am starting to feel terribly inadequate.

Bertha, Doncaster

Uncle Ony: How sorry we all must feel for you poor ladies, endlessly victimised by the media's heartless portrayal of perfect, lithe, toned young bodies! (Though in case any of our readers might have one, I should add that there is nothing wrong with toned young bodies, per se.) Wear whatever costume you like, Bertha! Fear of flaunting yourself in a teeny tiny bikini made of two postage stamps and a few inches of string is a lack of self-esteem caused by this media bombardment and you should ignore it, as should all other right-thinking women.

Auntie Ag: Oh, darling, don't feel inadequate, we're all in the same boat on which swimming costume suits our shapes best. I'm afraid it's because, in 99 per cent of cases, the answer is none of them.

mad about the boy

I can't stand my godson. I've tried but he's an obnoxious kid. His father, my best friend, insists on giving me a tedious running commentary about what the precocious brat is up to and I have to make really interested noises, even though I don't care. And whatever the subject, from BSE to the latest films, my friend has started punctuating every sentence with, "Of course, you'll understand when you have kids," which infuriates me.

Tony, Cardiff

Uncle Ony: Having a child, an innocent, fragile, wee spirit to nurture and protect in a bewildering and often hostile world, does indeed shift one into a different state of awareness. Your generous friend wants you to share in the wonders of his new experience, even to the point of making you godfather to his precious infant. So why are you so hostile? Find a reputable counsellor who can help you overcome your negative feelings - and make a special point of reaching out to your young godson, for whose spiritual welfare, I would remind you, you are responsible!

Auntie Ag: New children, like new cars, do tend to overshadow all else for a while, angel; think of it as a "running-in" phase. Once the novelty of it all wears off a bit, your friend will be longing to get a bit of time away from the son and heir - and once the sproglet finds he isn't the centre of the universe he will probably become a much nicer child. I'm afraid you can't hurry the process, darling, but don't despair, nature will take its course.

out of step

Are those funny-looking brown leather sandals with the foot-shaped soles and two straps over the top really fashionable? Or is it all just a cruel joke?

Andrew, Exeter

Uncle Ony: Fashion is far from being a joke, Andrew. For most of us, self-esteem is much-bolstered by fitting in with our fellow humans. Albino animals are likely to be torn apart by the herd on account of their "differentness". I would take a close look at your peer group in Exeter and follow their footwear lead.

Auntie Ag: Yes, such clodhoppers are very much in this year, though lamentably unglamorous. Just don't make the classic mistake of wearing socks with them, even in Exeter, angel.