auntie ag

NAUGHTY BUT NICE

My closest mate's girlfriend recently made a serious pass at me, following months of flirtation (all on her part). Although single, I made it very clear that I was not interested and, thankfully, matters abated for a while. But, apparently undeterred, the innuendoes and advances have begun again and I wish to put a stop to the whole business. How do I do so without threatening my long-standing friendship? My chum is oblivious to my problem, but I'm concerned about how he will react if I spill the beans. At any rate, I want his pesky girlfriend off my case. Help!

Tim, Warrington

AUNTIE AG: Hmm. I think you are protesting a little too much, Timothy. Flirtations are rarely one-way. We've all got a secret naughty bit inside us and I wouldn't be surprised if yours is swanning about in a feather boa, feeling extremely smug that some girl fancies you more than your friend and putting out encouraging signals. If your friend hasn't realised what's going on, it can't be that obvious or embarrassing and what on earth would be the point of telling him? If you really want it to stop, get the girl on her own, tell her so, point blank, and freeze her out when she tries anything. Otherwise, be honest with yourself and admit that little flirtations can give a certain frisson to life, and she's not the only one who's enjoying it.

FLUSHED WITH PASSION

I've got a massive sexual passion for this gorgeous man who I know really likes and fancies me but who I can see is going to be trouble. He's unreliable and inconsistent, gives me confusing signals, eggs me on, then pulls back, promises to phone and then doesn't. It's already making me unhappy - as well as deliriously ecstatic - and I know I should bale out now before its too late and I'm embroiled in months of chaos and misery. But I'm so hooked on him, whenever he starts to flirt, I can't resist it and I don't think I can stop.

Tania, Berkshire

AUNTIE AG: Nonsense, darling. There's nothing a woman can't do with a supreme effort of will. First, think very hard about his faults, annoying habits and what he might look like on the toilet, and try to imagine what you'll think about him when your vision isn't clouded by the hots. Second, the minute a thought comes into your head about him, replace it with one about Ralph Fiennes, Mr Darcy, or anyone sexy and smouldery who springs to mind. Third, avoid him. It's amazing how quickly the flames of passion go out if they're starved of oxygen. Fourth, go on lots of dates with other men - preferably nice, consistent ones who phone when they say they will. If you pull it off, I'll be so proud of you, darling, and you'll never be at the mercy of a gorgeous, sexy bastard again!

HEARD IT ON THE NORTHERN LINE

The other day I took the tube with a young secretary from our company. We were having a girly chat when she told me she had been to a party recently where an older man offered her a lift home, took her to dinner in a very expensive restaurant and told her his marriage was breaking up. Nothing sexual happened, she didn't fancy him and he didn't ask to see her again. But it was the husband of my best friend and neither she nor I were aware that there was anything wrong with their marriage. What should I do? Should I tell her.

Polly, Highbury

AUNTIE AG: Well, the most mature and zen-like thing would be nothing - you can't control other people's messes. But if I were you, I would say nothing to her, but take the husband firmly by the ear, and tell him you know exactly what he's been up to, because the entire secretarial population of your firm is giggling at him. That should embarrass him out of his mid-life crisis.

I CAN FEEL IT IN MY BONES

I've been shagging this man who is bone-marrow-melting material since summer. As we are married to other people, I think we ought to try to stop. But the gorgeous creature is determined to carry on and gets nasty when I say cheating is distasteful to me.

Frustrated, Oxford.

AUNTIE AG: You don't sound very frustrated to me, angel, quite the opposite in fact. I do think he has a point when you say cheating is distasteful to you, because it has been so obviously bone-marrow-meltingly tasteful to you for the past six months. I suspect you're trying to tell yourself, "He forced me to continue, as if driven by a fever!" so you can carry on without feeling guilty. If you want to stop it, stop it. If you're going to carry on, you've got to be a grown-up and accept how bad you're being as well as enjoying the forbidden deliciousness. lt all sounds desperately Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas, darling, but do remember they ended up burnt to a crisp in a crashed plane.

TAR VERY MUCH

Is it true that if you smoke less than 20 Low Tar Silk Cut Ultra a day you won't get cancer?

Caroline, Weymouth.

AUNTIE AG: No, darling.

THE WINTER OF MY DISCONTENT

Spring has rather crept up on me and I don't have anything spring-like to wear, but I'm really overdrawn and the bank manager won't let me increase my limit to go shopping. Is it okay to carry on wearing winter things for a bit longer?

Debra, Rochdale.

AUNTIE AG: No darling. Just tell him he's being very short-sighted in his business planning, because if you don't have a couple of nice new dresses how will you get anyone to pay off your overdraft?