auntie ag

THE SILENCING OF THE LAMB

I read with great interest a letter which appeared in your column from "Fiona of Gloucestershire", whose husband had become obsessed with a sheep. I too had a similar problem with my partner, Carl. It is now resolved and I would like to offer Fiona a few suggestions to add to your own. First, encourage the relationship with the sheep, even to the point of dressing it up in sexy undies etc. The problem is clearly an emotional one, stemming from fear of human rejection, which makes it easier for the man to admit to himself that he has fallen for a sheep rather than a person. Once you've won his trust it all becomes much easier. Second, go out and buy a sheepskin coat, turn it inside out and wear it. You'll find that once you're down on all fours and bleating he won't know the difference. After discovering all the sheep's secrets, boot her out permanently and you'll have a tremendous time. My motto? If you can't beat them, join them.

Jane, Lancashire.

AUNTIE AG: Thank you, darling. Both helpful and encouraging.

TOUCHED BY YOUR PRESENT, DEAR

Prior to Christmas, my brother, who is married with two young daughters, suggested that we no longer exchange birthday or Christmas presents but that I should continue to buy presents for his daughters and just receive a token gift from them. Just after Christmas my brother turned 40, and, since this was a special birthday, I bought him an expensive bottle of whisky, which he hasn't acknowledged. How do I tell him that I only bought it because he was 40 and do not expect him to buy me a present, without reminding him of his rudeness in not acknowledging my gift?

Dawn, Marylebone

AUNTIE AG: Oh, for heaven's sakes. Reminding him of his rudeness in not acknowledging your gift should be top of your bloody list! If he'd pulled a stunt like that 30 years ago you'd have taken a large bite out of his upper arm and drawn bottoms all over his bedroom wallpaper. Faffing about trying not to offend someone close to you when you have something to say causes far more offence than coming straight out with it. Next time you see him, take him firmly by the ear, say "Oy", and tell him that he was very lucky to get such a generous Special Dispensation for his 40th birthday so soon after the Unilateral Present Ban. And if you don't receive the most gushing thank you card imaginable in the next post, you will have to tweak him.

THE DIARY OF HORACE WIMP

My boyfriend and I have been living together for four years. When we started living together, he told me never to read his diary which, naturally, immediately became irresistible, and I have been going through it regularly and thoroughly ever since. Recently, however, there was an entry which implied that he may have gone for a walk with this girl and then been unfaithful. Obviously, I want to challenge him immediately, but that means I won't be able to go through the diary any more because he'll lock it up. What shall I do?

Louise, Brighton

AUNTIE AG: Honestly, darling. No one leaves a diary lying around and seriously expects their partner not to read it. I bet you anything he's not having an affair - it's just a desperate little plea for attention. I suggest you make a huge fuss about starting to write your own diary, forbid him on pain of death to read it, then leave it lying around temptingly at all hours of the day and night, full of the most outrageous and unbelievable lies about all the brawny, young whippersnappers you're having affairs with, then lavish him with far more affection and seductiveness than usual. If he has the nerve to bring the diary up, simply take him firmly by the ear, whisper, "Let that be a lesson to you," then shag him senseless.

DREAM LOVER

Last night, I had a dream about sleeping with a very old, white-haired man with a beard - sort of David Bellamy meets Big Ears meets Captain Birdseye. It was lovely - I was nuzzling up to all the lovely white hairs on his chest and thought he was fantastic. My boyfriend is about 20 years older than me and recently grew a white beard which I persuaded him to shave off. What does all this mean?

Kirsten, Edinburgh.

AUNTIE AG: It means you're embarrassed in public about going out with an older man but secretly you're hot for it - hot, hot, hot. Fantastic. Give him one from me you lucky thing.

LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTER

It is Mother's Day and my daughter always insists on coming to stay and taking me out for a ghastly Derby and Joan-style "Sunday Run" ending up with really quite an unpleasant afternoon tea which leaves me feeling about 90 when I am only 79. What I really want is to be left alone to lie on the sofa drinking sherry and watching old movies, or to be taken somewhere wild like Istanbul, or to somewhere rather racey to buy an outrageous hat, or high-heeled satin mules with swansdown puffs on the toes. What should I do?

Elsie, Harrogate

AUNTIE AG; Tell her, of course, darling. If you can't speak your mind when you get to your age you deserve to be treated like a silly old fool.