auntie ag

LOVE ME DO

I am 16 and suffering a mid-teenage crisis. Sad and pathetic as this might sound, I really want a boyfriend. I need to be loved. I've been told that I am quite attractive. I always like good-looking and intelligent guys. They usually like me, too, but not in that way. What can I do? I know it's not the most important thing in life, but I feel really quite sad and depressed about it.

Val, Scotland

Uncle Ony: Why must the answer to your happiness lie in another person? You are far too young to be thinking in this way, Valerie, and must seek to be complete and happy in yourself before you can even begin to consider yourself mature enough to form a relationship with another. It seems to me you should be spending more time concentrating on your schoolwork and the things that will stand you in good stead later in life, and less time thinking about boys.

Auntie Ag: Darling! There isn't anyone in the world who wouldn't rather be madly in love and going out with someone gorgeous than on their own. It's horribly easy to get depressed when it hasn't happened yet and attribute it to all sorts of dire reasons: being doomed by the gods, too intelligent, stupid, thin, fat, young, old (believe me, there'll be hosts of women 20 years older than you who'll be massively cheered by your letter). The truth is, as Phil Collins said, you can't hurry love, you just have to wait. The trick is to make the waiting as enjoyable as possible by doing the following. Be optimistic at all times, fantasise about how fabulous it's going to be when the waiting is over and don't think nasty things. Make yourself as gorgeous as possible. Giggle with your friends, exercise, and shop, shop, shop. Tell yourself how lucky he's going to be to have someone as gorgeous as you when he turns up. Have a bloody good time, darling. Men can be awful bores, you know, even if they are gorgeous and you're in love with them, so make the most of being single and not having to watch Match Of The Day every Saturday!

FROCKY HORROR SHOW

My wife and I go to quite a lot of evening dos. A couple of months ago she bought an evening dress which looks absolutely hideous. The first time she wore it we were already late by the time she was dressed and she was feeling insecure, so I made the mistake of over-reassuring her that she looked stunning. The trouble is, now she's taken to wearing it every time we go anywhere posh. I love her dearly and I know something as superficial as clothes shouldn't matter, but I want to be proud of her when we go out and when she looks so ghastly, it just makes me want to flirt with other people. Should I tell her the dress is an absolute fright?

Ian, Paisley

Uncle Ony: You are sublimating your negative feelings towards you wife into feelings towards a harmless dress. It is vital you seek counselling immediately to address this hairline crack in your marriage before it becomes a major fissure.

Auntie Ag: Oh don't be ridiculous, darling. Just take her shopping and buy her a gorgeous new one.

NOBODY DOES IT BETTER

I am stuck in an imaginary relationship with a friend of mine. I know it is completely ridiculous and I am behaving like a mad old woman who thinks the vicar is in love with her but I can't seem to stop. I see him all the time because he's a friend and there's always lots of flirting, but he's going out with someone else. He knows I fancy him but he never does anything about it except egg me on. The thing is, the fantasies I have are so delicious they're infinitely preferable to having a real relationship with someone else who isn't as gorgeous as him.

Elizabeth, Stoke

Uncle Ony: You are evidently afraid of commitment and unable to give of yourself perhaps through fear or a sense of your own unworthiness. Choosing a fantasy life with someone else's partner is an easy way to avoid confronting these issues. It is vital that you learn to control your thoughts and cease to allow this man to occupy them, and I would recommend a course of counselling as a matter of urgency.

Auntie Ag: Oh, don't worry about it, angel. A man in the house is worth 10 in the imagination. I'm sure when the right person turns up the rather more, er, solid charms of a real-life lover will soon eclipse Mr Fantasy, at which point Mr Fantasy will no doubt realise the error of his ways and then you'll have two real-life men on your hands! Hurrah!

JOHNNIES COME LATELY

Someone keeps leaving used condoms outside my front door. At first, I thought it was just high-spirited youngsters, and just kicked them to one side or moved them with a twig and waited for the roadsweeper. But whenever I did that the condom would be replaced very neatly and deliberately in front of the door. It has given me the complete creeps and I have started to suspect all my neighbours of being murderers and rapists.

Shelia, Manchester

Uncle Ony: Yes... Inner city areas are often littered with condoms and you must ask yourself why this has allowed you to mistrust all your neighbours in this way. Could it be that you are secretly disgusted by men and by sex?

Auntie Ag: (Well I wouldn't blame her if she was, you stupid man.) Ugh. How creepy and revolting, darling. Call the police immediately.