Want to be a better and more useful man? Be more Arnie!

That’s the theory anyway: read Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new self-help book on the seven tools of life and… well, this is what happened to Simon Mills when he tried to put the muscleman’s words of wisdom into action

Pumped: Arnie circa 1980 (Getty Images)

Have you noticed how men’s self-help books have such selfish, unhelpful and unpleasant titles?You Are a Badass, The Way of the Superior Man, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***. You often see them lined up in the WH Smith of any named airport terminal, all of them staring out in their pugnacious, scare-mongering and steroidal “glory”, challenging you to not pick them up in your search for meaning, money and masculinity. They are the literary equivalents of Under Armour apparel or cans of Monster Energy drinks. I can’t be the only man who looks at them and thinks: “No thanks.”

Often the books’ titles will employ a reductive, listicle, numerically-referencing vernacular. “The Dad’s Edge: 9 Simple Ways to Have: Unlimited Patience, Improved Relationships, and Positive Lasting Memories by Larry Hagner. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R Covey. Jordan B Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos, or the super-clunky Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques to Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind and Focus on the Present (The Path to Calm) by Nick Trenton.

Why? Because men love to distil everything to an achievable metric, right? As if life can be broken down into a bullet-pointed, strike-throughable agenda of key points and takeaways, and that once everything has been achieved and ticked off, well, ta-da! The perfectly rounded, reasonable and thoughtful human male!

At the worst end of the category, these self-help books are written by megalomaniacs and loudmouth YouTubers with messianic, Ted-talking tendencies. Donald Trump, for instance, had published no less than 17 books of his self-styled “truthful hyperbole” before he entered the Oval Office. Other toxic-male bestsellers include How to Be An Alpha Male Who Does Not Give a F***, by Andrew Tate (who sounds like a really lovely guy). Then there’s Tim Ferris’s The 4-Hour Work Week: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich. Which admittedly does sound tempting until you are snapped back into the real world.

At first glance Arnold Schwarzenegger’s latest book Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life looks like just another title to be added to the shouty self-help bargain bin. Are we really meant to take advice on how to be “useful” from a man who, at his own admission, by the end of 1987, had already “killed 283 people”.

But, on closer inspection, any trace of Arnie’s former gun-toting, bench-pressing wisecracking bluster has been replaced with thoughtfulness, a gentler tone and a more workable approach, nearer to Henry David Thoreau’s Walden than Trump’s pathogen. “This life isn’t a dress rehearsal,” Arnie tells us (this sounds much more profound if you do the voice, btw). “Only you can create the life you want for yourself.” Arnold is “back”, but who could have predicted his return as a SoCal Socrates? But do the former Mr Universe’s wise words make any sense to a man living, not on the sunny west coast of the US, but braving the rain in deepest west Oxfordshire? I reached into his toolkit of life advice so you don’t have to.

Simon Mills: preparing to channel his inner Arnie (Alamy)

Tool 1: Break all mirrors

Just like Norma Desmond and Derek Zoolander, Arnie has a complex, conflicted and contradictory relationship with the looking glass. On one page of his book he is encouraging men to look in the mirror in an attempt to “really see” ourselves, possibly engendering soaring visions of glory. I’ll definitely need my bifocals for that one. Then, a few chapters on, he wants us to discard all vanity and over-examination, and “Break your mirrors!”

I’ll go with the second bit please. Past 50, it is better to turn all mirrors to the wall, take an image of one’s prime, best self (that’ll be circa the Terminator II era for Arnie then) and burn it on to your brain’s hard drive as a self-deluding comforter. And repeat this mantra on the hour. “Stop thinking that you are ugly.” (You are ugly… but stop thinking about it.)

Useful man rating: 4 out 5

Tool 2: Rethink pain

“Pain is the measure of growth potential,” muses the iron-pumper and Running Man. “Pain is temporary.” Is it though Arnie? Is it really? My back aches, almost constantly. My right rotator cuff throbs like hell on most days. I have recurring sciatica and perpetual, hyper-sore black toe. Ergo, my “growth potential” must be off-the-charts positive, right Arnie?

Useful man rating: 2 out of 5

Tool 3: Remember hard work is good work

“WORK LIKE HELL!” advises Arnie. “Working your ass off is the only thing that works 100 per cent of the time for 100 per cent of the things worth achieving ... rest is for babies and relaxation is for retired people.”

Hmmm… maybe I’m not the target market here. I’ve had quite enough of working hard. I’ve been at it, almost solidly, for 40 years now. When I am not at my desk, I have a drill, a shovel or a broom in my hand. I’m at the stage of life where the idea of sleeping like a small child in a darkened room for eight hours at a stretch, or nodding off in a comfy chair with the telly remote and a bag of Werther’s Originals for company, are both extremely inviting. Also, the last (proper) film you were in was Terminator: Dark Fate back in 2019. You gave up governing back in 2011 so haven’t you been enjoying a kind of restful, semi-retirement yourself Arnie?

Useful man rating: 1 out of 5 (after 50); 3 out of 5 (before 50)

Tool 4: Be quiet

“SHUT YOUR MOUTH, OPEN YOUR MIND” is the big advice. As opposed to “open your mouth and shut your mind”, which is what most beer-chugging burger-guzzling, unthinking, narrow-minded men tend to do given half the chance.

Good advice for them and the rest of us. It’s a thumbs up from me

Useful man rating: 4 out of 5

Tool 5: Focus, focus, focus

“Have a clear vision. That doesn’t mean getting narrower with your vision, just more specific. The picture gets sharper.” It’s like zooming in on a map of the world, clarifies Arnie. Inside continents are countries, states, provinces, cities, towns. Neighbourhoods and blocks and streets. “A tourist might hop from country to country, but if you really want to know a place, hit the streets, talk to locals, explore every back alley, learn the costumes, try new things.”

Sage stuff. Translating this philosophy for the British urbanite, and exchanging “blocks” for mewses and avenues, I can cast myself as a 21st-century flaneur in Arnie form, wandering London’s old A-Z just looking at things, exploring every back alley and talking to locals. But because this is England and not LA, the locals are mostly blind drunk and slurring their words. Also they don’t really like talking to strangers. They’d think you were a bit weird. Not sure this one has legs.

Focus, focus, focus: California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger grabs a burger (Getty)

Useful man rating: 2 out of 5

Tool 6: Be a sponge

Know this, Arnie’s advice on living on being your best self is to “be a sponge”. As he says: “Being curious and being a good listener are a big part of how to effectively utilise your relationships with other people in pursuit of your goals. People are resources. But it’s only when you learn to soak up what those people tell you, that you truly begin to make yourself useful to others and become a resource yourself.”

I am going to advise an alternate approach – be more SpongeBob. More fun loving, hyperactive, clueless, childish, and accident prone. Emulating a sea sponge with a happy-go-lucky personality who lives in a sunken, pineapple house at Bikini Bottom may well be the sanest way forward in the world we’re living in right now.

Useful man rating: 3 out of 5

Tool 7: Just be useful, OK?

“Be useful is the best piece of advice my father ever gave me,” says Arnie. Who can disagree with this? Certainly not a man’s wife. Men, on the whole, are pretty useless. They can’t or won’t do anything, preferring to delegate and hire, instead of labour and fix by their own hand. A sense of weaponised incompetence prevails as they expect their whole lives to be Deliveroo’d to them. Arnie’s total competence, meanwhile, comes weaponised in both barrels.

Useful man rating: 5 out of 5