And Just Like That: Why it’s so hard to break up with a friend
*SPOILERS AHEAD* As the Sex and the City reboot explains away Kim Cattrall’s absence with an argument, Olivia Petter examines why it’s so painful to break up with a friend
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Your support makes all the difference.Ever since it was announced that a Sex and the City reboot would be going ahead without one of its leading characters, fans have speculated as to how the writers would explain her absence.
Kim Cattrall has made no secret about her, shall we say, lack of interest in taking part in any kind of SATC reboot.
As a result, the famous foursome has reunited for And Just Like That without one of its members, Samantha Jones – and now we finally know how the writers have explained her absence.
In the first episode of the HBO show, which is airing on Sky Comedy and NOW TV in the UK, Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) explains that she and the PR executive fell out after she severed their professional relationship – Samantha was Carrie’s publicist – due to the way the book market had changed.
Now, Samantha is living and working in London. And we’re led to believe that their friendship has fallen by the wayside, because whenever Carrie, Miranda (Cynthia Nixon), or Charlotte (Kristin Davis), text her, she simply doesn’t reply.
So severe was the fallout that even when Carrie’s husband – spoiler! – Big (played by Chris Noth), dies from a sudden heart attack, Samantha doesn’t fly over for the funeral, nor does she bother to reply to Carrie’s texts. She does send flowers, though.
What happened between Carrie and Samantha is an experience that will be familiar to many. Known as a “friendship breakup”, it occurs when two friends actively choose to part ways. And they tend to be fairly sudden.
“Friendship breakups are more painful than the slow distancing of a once close friendship,” says senior therapist Sally Baker. “They tend to happen because of a dramatic misunderstanding or from a final-straw scenario when several disappointments, last-minute changes of plans or other ways someone feels less important to you drive someone to end their friendship.”
They’re particularly common, too, especially as we move through our 20s, 30s, and 40s. A study from 2009 conducted by Utrecht University sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst looked at the social lives of 604 adults over the course of seven years.
It found that, during this period, that only 30 per cent of those included had the same close friends as they did at the start of the study.
Friendships breakups often happen during major life transition
“Friendships breakups often happen during major life transition,” explains Baker. “A friend may struggle with the change in dynamics in their friendships. Having shared being single or being child-free can prove to big a rift when their friend moves in with a new partner, gets married or has their first child.”
This was the case for Lauren, 31, from Glasgow, who drifted apart from a close friend after she got a new partner who Lauren didn’t get on with. “What used to be a daily call to each other became weekly,” she says. “As the years went by, the whole dynamic shifted and the final straw came when I called to tell her I was getting married and wanted to her to be my maid of honour. She didn’t think her partner would want to come, so declined. I never thought either of us would put a partner before our friendship.”
Other circumstances that could lead to a friendship breakup include major life events or traumas – and one person feeling unsupported or let down by a friend when they needed them the most.
This was the case for Josie, 24, from Surrey. “In the wake of the murder of George Floyd in 2020, I was really struggling,” she says. “For context, I’m bi-racial, and this period of time was a real point of reckoning for a large number of my friendships. My best friend at the time I had only seen once that year because I had to come home from the States and then we pretty much went into lockdown a week after that.
“A few days after the killing of George Floyd, I received a text from her telling me about her university results. Of course I was really happy for her, but the overwhelming feeling I had was one of finality. How could she have said nothing to her friend of 18 years about what was going on in the world at that moment in time? How could she not have imagined the pain and hurt that I was going through?”
Occasionally, breaking up with a friend can be beneficial, particularly if this was someone who wasn’t bringing positivity into your life.
“Friendship breakups can be beneficial when someone commits to changes in how they live their life,” adds Baker. “For example, the friendships based around clubbing or drunken nights out become less appealing when someone’s priorities change. Old friends might well be aggrieved at the loss of a friend they have pigeonholed as their good-time partner in crime.”
That said, the feeling of loss that comes as the result of a friendship breakup can still be deeply painful, regardless of whether or not you were the one who chose to end the relationship.
It’s a feeling akin to grief, says Lucy Herd, grief recovery specialist. “Contrary to what you may have heard, grief can be the result of many different kinds of loss,” she explains. “This includes a friendship breakup, which can be every bit as emotional and real as the pain caused by a bereavement or another loss.”
The trouble is that friendship breakups aren’t really something that are spoken about with the same gravitas as romantic breakups, which can exacerbate painful feelings, and possibly even add a degree of shame to them.
Contrary to what you may have heard, grief can be the result of many different kinds of loss, including friendship breakups
“Society places a lot of emphasis on relationship breakups between couples but when a friendship ends it can be just as painful or perhaps more depending on the circumstances,” says Dee Holmes, counsellor at the charity Relate.
“Our peers have a huge impact on our lives and who we become as people. We confide in them about issues we wouldn’t tell our parents and the belief is often that while romantic relationships come and go, friendship is for life. This means when it doesn’t work out in this way it can be really painful.”
When it comes to recovering from a friendship breakup, Holmes suggests initially examining why it happened.
“If you’re not sure and you’re keen to repair the friendship, you could ask your friend if they are willing to meet or chat things through,” she suggests.
“They may say no and if so, it’s important to respect their decision, but you could say if they change their mind they are welcome to contact you in the future.”
If the relationship is beyond repair, Holmes suggests either seeking support via counselling or trying to find other ways to move forward and accept that this person is no longer in your life.
“In some cases friendships naturally grow apart as people change and this can feel upsetting but is a natural part of life,” she adds.
“Some people just enter our life for a season, as they say, whereas other friendships will be for life. It’s important to invest in our relationships and friendship is no different but if things feel one-sided or toxic it may be worth asking if the friendship is right for you. If you can’t resolve it maybe it’s time to move on.”
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