Men and women apparently cheat for different reasons – but we may be fooling ourselves

A new study has found that the reasons for infidelity differ between the genders, something that conforms to ideas we already have about affairs. But Anya Meyerowitz is unsure that something so complex can truly be put into such a simplistic box

Caught in the act: a new study claims to have figured out why women have affairs (iStock)

I’ve been cheated on precisely four times – that I know of. Three times by my first boyfriend and the fourth time by my second. And though each experience came with different variables, they all also had something in common – outside of me sobbing so violently upon discovery that I felt I might throw up a small piece of my heart. When I’d confront my guilty partner, they gave the same reason (or at least a pretty similar variation of it) each and every time: they just couldn’t help themselves “in the moment”.

I couldn’t, after those individual instances, get my head around why someone might risk throwing away an entire relationship for a fleeting dalliance. But a moment doesn’t exist in isolation, of course. There are, I now understand, a whole array of factors that contribute to the compulsion to cheat when said “moment” arrives. A new study has revealed that these factors are also different for men and women.

The study, published in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior, offers new insights into the complex motivations behind female infidelity. The researchers used Prolific Academic to survey a sample of 254 heterosexual men and women who had engaged in infidelity. The survey collected data from participants across 19 countries and the findings revealed a number of reasons behind the female motivation for infidelity, including relationship dissatisfaction, the desire for variety, and revenge. However, the primary reason uncovered was that women who cheat are typically more physically attracted to their affair partners, but view their primary partners as better life partners or co-parents. This means a woman might be attracted to her affair partner for their physical traits, but stay with her main partner for their role as a good provider and parent.

This was certainly the case for Lucy*, who had an affair while married to her now ex-husband. “I couldn’t fault him as a dad to our kids and I wasn’t unhappy in the life we had created, I just stopped fancying him,” she says. “It really wasn’t any deeper than that. I wanted to feel desired by someone that I desired in return, but at the end of a day, who would I have always preferred to debrief with? My husband, without fail.”

Many of the previous studies carried out on the reasons why men cheat found that often it was down to insecurity, or a very low or non-existent amount of validation, attention or praise from a partner. In fact, when Dr Alicia M Walker interviewed 100 men who self-identified as “cheaters” as part of research for her book, Chasing Masculinity: Men, Validation, and Infidelity, she found that most of them reported a “deep” love for their partner, but decided to cheat out of the desire to “experience the love and affection” they had once received but which had faded over time.

However, there are various interpretations of the gender differences when it comes to infidelity. For example, The Marriage Counseling Blog reports that according to researchers from Indiana University in Bloomington, the main reason men offer for cheating has to do with the “sexual excitement” of an affair. “Men often report feeling energised when they are cheating,” they explain. “Women on the other hand, report they cheat because they are unhappy in their current relationship.”

I had an affair because I wanted to be seen as desirable again. My ex said he felt like I didn’t really need him any more, and he felt lost as to what his role was within our relationship

Aimee*

And then there are grey areas, people who span both categories or fit into neither. But experts feel that the research tallies, to an extent, with their findings among clients. “Generally, men are more likely to be driven by physical factors like sexual desire and the appeal of variety,” says Dr Carolyne Keenan, resident psychologist on BBC Radio 1’s Life Hacks. “Women, on the other hand, often cite emotional reasons, such as feeling undervalued or disconnected in their relationship.”

“Emotional dissatisfaction is often a big one for women,” she continues. “They feel neglected, unappreciated, or emotionally disconnected from their partner over a long period of time and this can lead to seeking out someone who makes them feel valued and understood.

“Sometimes it’s about a desire for emotional intimacy, or to rekindle feelings of excitement and passion that have faded in their current relationship. Women can sometimes feel that they are responsible for a number of domestic roles and can feel resentful if their partners are not contributing and are complacent. This can lead to fantasies about being appreciated more by someone else.”

In her experience, one of the most common reasons men cheat is “the desire for sexual variety or novelty”, a need for something new or different, even if they’re in a committed relationship. “For some, it’s an opportunity thing – being in a situation where infidelity becomes easy or tempting.”

‘Monogamy will look different to different couples and therefore so will infidelity’ (iStock)

Aimee*, a self-confessed romantic, agrees. “Though I’m in a healthy relationship now, during the breakdown of my previous relationship it came to light that we had both cheated,” she tells me. “We talked through our reasons and, for me, it was about being seen as desirable again and the need to feel I was worthy of attention. My ex said he felt like I didn’t really need him any more, and he felt lost as to what his role was within our relationship.”

And Aimee’s ex-boyfriend isn’t alone. “Men are often motivated by a need to be valued by their partner,” Counselling Directory member, Clare Patterson, explains. “They want to be the protector, the guardian, the one who can get things done and provide. They want to be appreciated by their partners for the heroes they are and for their hard work to be recognised. When they feel this doesn’t happen, their self-esteem suffers and they may seek its ‘top-up’ through others.”

And Rychel Johnson, a licenced clinical counsellor and senior contributor at Our Public Records, agrees. “When we examine the psychology behind female infidelity, there’s a lot more nuance and complexity than surface-level stereotypes would suggest. Far too often, the narrative gets oversimplified into a black-and-white scenario, but interpersonal dynamics around intimacy rarely conform to such reductive archetypes,” he says. “In my clinical experience, female infidelity frequently emerges from this sort of tangled web of insecurity, emotional depletion, and a grasping for reaffirmation. So many women I’ve worked with report feeling emotionally abandoned or starved for intimacy within their primary relationships long before any straying took place. It’s like this aching psychic void opens up over time, eroding self-worth and connection to their fundamental wants and needs.”

“It’s also interesting to highlight that we are talking about relationships where there is an understanding that the couple were committed to a monogamous relationship and that all participants are cisgendered and heterosexual,” Dr Keenan adds. “Monogamy will look different to different couples and therefore so will infidelity. For some people infidelity might look like intercourse with another person, but for someone else it might be looking at porn. It can be helpful for couples to have conversations about their expectations of monogamy and, although it doesn’t sound very sexy, to agree on the way that will look for them in their particular relationship.”

‘Interpersonal dynamics around intimacy rarely conform to such reductive archetypes’ (iStock)

As I reflect back now on those “moments”, the ones that led my previous partners to cheat, and with the opinions of experts percolating, I realise that they likely didn’t have as much in common as I had once thought. Because no moment sits in isolation. Our actions are never disconnected from what’s happening in our wider thoughts, feelings and lives. Though two different men might have, at different times, found themselves unable to stop themselves “in the moment”, it’s unlikely this lack of control stemmed from the same thing. And that’s true for women and men.

Infidelity is a complicated issue with many layers. Anyone, no matter their gender, can be influenced by a mix of emotional, psychological, and situational factors. So while there are some general trends, and there is value in reflecting on them, it’s important to remember that you can’t determine why someone has cheated, or is more likely to cheat, based on their gender alone.

It’s a conclusion that I come to with some resistance, though. I like to be able to categorise things, to box them up and tie them with a bow, because it feels safer and more predictable that way. This is perhaps why we are all so intrigued by the idea that each gender cheats for a set of specific reasons: because it makes infidelity seem easier to predict and thus avoid. It gives us the illusion that we can somehow sidestep pain. But alas, we are all complex humans. No single study is going to change that.

* Not their real names