A day `out': everything you need to know about Gay Pride

Gay Pride is named in honour of Gaye Pride, the Victorian socialist and pub stripper who dared demand full civil rights for big picture hats. On release from Broadmoor, Gaye found martyrdom at Newmarket when she famously threw herself under the King's corgi. The world's largest free festival is held on Saturday 5 July in memory of her vicious trampling by the forces of reaction... And because most capital queens are back from Gran Canaria by then, sporting a nice tan, new boyfriend and trim waistline.

Lyttle's Believe It Or Not

Gaye Pride became Gay Pride in 1992, after the organising committee were facetiously informed they'd do a much better job if they dropped an `e'.

Won't Chant, Don't Ask Me

The boring bit meant to convince homosexual and heterosexual alike that We Are Family (yeah, the Windsors). The march starts from Hyde Park at 11 am; now is the time to slip into high heels, leather harness, thong, studded dog collar, wedding dress, or Xena, Warrior Princess costume. But if you're really determined to draw gasps, you could wear a suit. Who knows? You could end up on the news, disowned by your parents and out of a job come Monday.

T&A (Transport and Attitude)

Gold-leaf litter carried aloft by six beefy slaves. Or there's the Tube.

Map of Clapham Common, highlighting area with thick foliage. Boxer shorts with rip cord. Can of Mr Muscle for rusty nipple rings. Blow pipe and tranquilliser darts for cruising. False moustache, sideburns, checked shirt and chaps, so you can sneak into the Women Only spaces undetected. (Add a nasty blonde wig to pass as transgendered.) Dowsing stick to locate Portaloos. Air of dismissive cool for when you bump into exes and their gorgeous new twinkies. Platinum American Express Card to pay for over- priced beer, champagne, rainbow-embossed rip-offs and the services of those who'd never have sex with you otherwise. Don't fret: the money pours back into the community... Doesn't it?

Undress Code

Remove the "No One Knows I'm Queer" T-shirt (too original!) immediately upon arrival. So what if there's a thunderstorm/tornado/ earthquake? What have you been working out for the past three months for? Your health?

Excuse Me, But...

If there's record sponsorship, how come everything's so bloody expensive?

Unnatural Acts

2.30pm Stephen Twigg, Ben Bradshaw and Chris Smith sing that old gay spiritual, `The Boys Are Back in Town'

2.40 Lesbian reads poem about the rainforest. You will applaud.

2.55 Dale Winton, armed with rosary beads, lava lamp and whistle, displays hitherto unsuspected talent for interpretative dance.

3.30 Dale Winton dragged off by security guards.

3.35 Sooty comes out. Gets enormous hand. So no change there.

3.40 Jimmy Somerville tries to cop off with Sooty. Sweep scratches his eyes out.

4.00 Quentin Crisp tells audience how things have changed for homosexuals since the first time he saw Halley's Comet

4.10 Lesbian comic tells joke that hilariously substitutes "vulva" for "Volvo". You will laugh.

4.30 Dannii Minogue explains that Kylie had better things to do.

4.45 Matthew Parris stands centre-stage looking faintly amused, frightfully knowing and awfully superior. Audience assumes it's Sian Phillips impersonating Dietrich, applauds wildly.

5.00 Sir Ian McKellen gives speech composed entirely of platitudes, cliches and buzz words: "Unity, equality, visibility, freedom, age of consent, gays in the military, lesbian mothers, homophobia, HIV, ANC, YMCA, ABC, easy as doh-ray-me, Gina G, Stonewall, Act-Up!, Outrage, over the rainbow, somewhere a place for us, Xanadu, oh, wouldn't it be lovely..."

5.01 St John's Ambulance deal with record number of coma cases.

5.10 Elton John auctions wardrobe for charity. Not his clothes, mind you - just a wardrobe.

6.30 Sooty spotted in FIST tent.

6.35 Eddie Izzard debuts his cover of the A-Ha classic, `The Sun Always Shines On TV's'.

6.45 Lesbian Cat Owners Collective amaze with display of synchronised neutering. You will scream.

7.00 Christopher Biggins has out-of-body experience. (This may take some time.)

7.30 Michael Barrymore appears. Or perhaps not. Depends on his wife and LWT's latest ratings figures. Otherwise expect movie star Richard Gere "performing unbelievable stunts" with Oscar, the Educated Gerbil.

9.30 Katrina and the Waves perform `Love Shine a Light'. Mass sobbing.

9.40 Martin Sherman apologises personally for the forthcoming movie version of Bent.

10.00 Fireworks Display: news arrives that the Government has reneged on every pre-election promise dangled before the community. Twigg, Bradshaw and Smith are dragged from the VIP tent, along with Tony and Simon from EastEnders. So that's where they've been! Not at a fat farm after all! Michael Cashman attempts to calm mob by delivering Scarlett O'Hara's "Tomorrow is another day" speech. He is arrested for incitement to riot. Sooty restores order by waving his wand and reciting the magic mantra, "Izzy wizzy let's take some Class-A drugs".

Morning After The Minor Disturbance Before

Riot ensures that the police actually exaggerate the actual attendance numbers instead of producing figures PC Gump imagined in a dream...n