Can we learn to die well?

Death is still a taboo subject in the UK, something we largely struggle to talk about and process publicly. Hasina Zeman asks if there is a way we could collectively do it better

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The conversation around death is understandably a difficult one. Facing loss of life, whether it’s our own or that of someone we love, is not something any of us is eager to do. Sometimes it’s almost as if, if we say it out loud – we will somehow speak it into existence.

Denial of death is a deeply protective measure. It’s a mechanism we use to cope with the shock of grief. In my work as a funeral director, I often encounter bereaved families who want to see their loved one’s body prior to the funeral, just to make sure they are the one who is being buried or cremated – as though the possibility for error remains. It’s a request with which I sympathise profoundly.

Since the pandemic, I’ve continued to observe how we collectively focus on doing whatever it takes to wring the very most out of life – part of which seems embedded in ignoring our own mortality. Even in a year defined by so much loss, this refusal to look death in the eye lingers stubbornly in society’s psyche.

Death is viewed as the ultimate thief of autonomy, the great flattener of personhood. But if we move towards acceptance and understanding of our own mortality, we can recover some agency. After all, only one thing in life is certain – that it will inevitably come to a close.

The first challenge in approaching how we deal with death as a collective, is to get people talking. To increase society’s comfort level in the discussion on dying. We’re all familiar with the existence of bereavement groups and traditional counselling, but death cafes? Not so much.

At a death cafe, the subject of dying is actively encouraged in conversation. Not something you’d normally find in an environment with tea and sandwiches.

Finding the right words to say goodbye can also feel impossible when the time comes, but what about writing a song? The Swan Song Project gives people living with terminal illnesses or dealing with grief the opportunity to write and record an original song, as well as the support to do so. No previous musical experience or abilities are required to get started.

Death is viewed as the ultimate thief of autonomy, the great flattener of personhood

You also might want to consider alternative routes for funeral preparation. Most of us have a very narrow view of what a funeral looks like, but there are so many kinds of end-of-life celebration – from eco-burials, to multi-faith approaches.

The many beliefs, cultures, faiths and positions on death are what makes the human condition so luminous and vast.

For many, a significant part of the burden of loss is financial. Our reluctance as a society to talk about death can render us and our loved ones more than just emotionally vulnerable - and subject to issues like funeral poverty. The hardest part of any daunting task is getting started with the thorny admin, taking it step-by-step, and safeguarding yourself and those left behind against financial insecurity.

Many amongst us are in active practice of honouring death, perhaps without even realising it. For example, taking the Shavasana (the dead corpse pose) at the end of a yoga class, or contemplation through other forms of daily meditation.

Personally, I find comfort in the Bonds Theory, which asserts that the person who has died still exists in memory form, or the way in which their loved ones embody their being. Once we die, the living can move forward – allowing the deceased to go on within them.

After all, only one thing in life is certain – that it will inevitably come to a close

If you’re struggling there are increasing numbers of resources out there, including the Royal London’s How to Die Well, a comprehensive guide to death and all its sprawling footnotes. Among the essays, resources and interviews – its audience will find ways to shape a new and individual narrative when it comes to broaching the end.

There are countless ways in which we can contextualise and address death, and in order to die well – it’s vital that we do.

I hold in my mind the saying of the Prophet Mohammed, “read your prayer, as it’s your last prayer”. This sentiment encourages me to live fully in the present, whilst accepting that the future isn’t guaranteed.

Far too many of us have experienced a sudden loss this year. Only by breaking the taboo around dying, will we be able to die as we aim to live: well.

Hasina Zeman is CEO of Compassionate Funerals and a contributor to How To Die Well, a book of essays, interviews and resources to help readers have difficult yet crucial conversations about death. Spearheaded by Royal London, it’s available for free online and via libraries and key charities from 26 April.