I don’t want to break the law but I’m not sure who belongs in what bubble?

With new tier 2 restrictions in London, does Charlotte Cripps have enough bubbles for childcare and could Muggles retrain as a Covid sniffer dog?

(Illustration by Amara May)

I don’t want to do a Dominic Cummings and break the law but I’m too scared to look at the government website to check out tier 2 support bubbles in case it messes with my childcare. As a single mum with two kids and a dog, it’s a minefield – especially since the kid’s nanny Roseanna disappeared off the face of the planet three weeks ago.

I’m sick of local yummy mummies asking me with great sympathy where she is as if I have lost an arm. I haven’t got a clue. 

It’s OK for them looking all smug with their full-time nannies, who also do the cleaning, but for the rest of us, juggling childcare and working, it’s not so simple.  It’s the equivalent of them juggling the gym, a pilates class, a manicure, and a leg wax before the kids get home from school. 

Does any run-of-the-mill mum understand what bubble to put who in? I have so many people coming in and out of my flat to help since Roseanna left,  it’s like Piccadilly Circus. They have been doing different hours – so I haven’t committed a crime yet – but I’m dangerously close because it’s super complicated.

It makes me wonder, has the government really thought through childcare properly? Who is in my bubble, and who is out?

Dad can’t be trusted; he’s 88 and all his food is mouldy. He tried to tempt me with a Yorkshire pudding last week that had been sitting in his freezer for 21 years

I can tick off my support bubble as my dad, and in theory he can help with childcare.  But he can’t be trusted; he’s 88 and all his food is mouldy. He tried to tempt me with a Yorkshire pudding last week that had been sitting in his freezer for 21 years. 

Maureen, my replacement homehelp/childminder, can still can come over to look after the kids – I know a nanny is allowed in tier 2 – but she has to bring her two-year-old as she has no childcare herself. So does that throw a spanner in the works? 

I have to check – I can’t afford a fine. Is anybody watching me? The neighbours are hardly going to snitch on me. It’s not like East Sheen, where my dad lives, where Una the neighbour looked at my sister as if she was a murderer for doing the NHS clap with my dad on his doorstep when he should have been shielding.  

I see there is something called a “childcare bubble” on the government website. Perhaps I could put her in that? But it’s meant to be “unpaid and informal”, which wouldn’t work as nobody is willing to work for free?  

Mind you, I need that childcare bubble for my mum friend who takes Lola to school in the mornings in her car with her son – or else I’m looking at weeks of relentless school runs before daybreak.

Can I ignore the fact that the nanny brings her child?  Is it OK to have a childcare bubble and a nanny? All these questions that I can’t find answers to – and I need it sorted by Monday morning. 

One thing is for sure, I can ask the dog walker to get Muggles from the hallway – it’s one less person in the flat. She was doubling up as the kid’s nanny for a bit when I was left high and dry by Roseanna. She’s a fabulous animal person and prefers them to people – but she turns up chaotic and smelling of horses. She’s never changed a nappy in her life but god, I’m grateful, none of that matters. She’s kind and makes them laugh.

He has white powder all over his nose, like he’s snorted a load of Charlie or has done a drugs bust and opened the product

Factoring in the new restrictions is like a military operation. On top of that, I’m desperately trying to keep on top of the housework. 

I’m washing Lola’s school uniform and Liberty has peed on the floor. Then Muggles grabs a box of icing sugar off the kitchen counter. He has white powder all over his nose, like he’s snorted a load of Charlie or has done a drugs bust and opened the product.

It could be worse! I could be starring down the barrel of a major relapse – or worse still – a psychotic break. Looking at a washing machine and thinking there are police in it, rather than tons of kids clothes to wash. What a pity Muggles can’t be more useful.

They use dogs to sniff out bombs and drugs – and all he does is eat. It’s a bit like me on a bad day when I ask:  “What have I done today? Oh, yes, eat all the kids’ Haribo Halloween trick-and-treat mini bags.”

When I see a picture in a newspaper of a dog identical to Muggles working as a Covid sniffer dog at Helsinki airport with nearly 100 per cent success rates – I wonder where did I go wrong? 

Is it too late to unleash his inner DNA breed?  Couldn’t he be rolled out as a Covid detector dog? Isn’t this the way forward – it’s far more feasible than Operation Moonshot? 

Apparently, dogs can identify the virus in 10 seconds, even days before a patient develops symptoms. Any breed could be trained – scientists have said – to perform the process that takes humans between two and 10 weeks.  Is it a potential money spinner? In these times everybody is having to retrain. So instead of looking at my new career path – what about Muggles’s?  

I could take private commissions from wealthy, vulnerable people – at Harrods, perhaps? But while I get carried away, Muggles has his head in the fridge and is devouring the cheddar cheese in its plastic bag. It’s time to get back to basics. Forget joining an army of Covid sniffers, could Muggles be trained to be normal?