‘In my head I’m already married to him. Am I totally bonkers? Many people thought I was’

As Alex moved in for the first kiss, Charlotte Cripps slipped off the sofa – but nothing could dampen that magical moment as their new romance unfolded

Illustration by Amara May (Amara May )

It’s only day two of meeting him – wow – and I’m in Alex’s flat. Just the two of us. I’m scouring his bookshelves and realise I might have to start brushing up on the Cold War. There is no sign of any female paraphernalia in the bathroom (phew) – or did he clear it out before I got here?

After I first met him outside an NA meeting in Notting Hill, I tagged along with Simon the next day and ended up at his place just off Portobello Road. He didn’t seem to mind when Simon let him know I was with him. I could hardly contain my excitement. The chemistry was unmistakable and Simon got a bit bored and popped out. He kept warning me that Alex could break my heart but I was already gone.

My heart is pounding, but Alex has taken a work phone call and is gesticulating wildly with his arms in the kitchen, which gives me plenty of time to observe things. On a table I see the book I Can Make You Sleep by Paul McKenna; oh god, he’s an insomniac. He’s got a cleaner, that’s for sure, because the place is immaculate.

There are all sorts of recovery books: The Blue Book for NA; meditation books; but mainly it’s biographies on dictators – Stalin, Hitler – and another on the football manager Alex Ferguson. I spy a yoga mat in the corner; he later tells me he has private lessons at home. That’s a bit grandiose isn’t it? Private yoga lessons? What’s wrong with a class?

I see a complex-looking spreadsheet for one his design and build jobs – but there is something remarkable on there. At first glance it looks like a doodle but it is actually an intricate drawing of David Bowie’s face. I admire it and he’s a bit nonchalant. Oh my god is there nothing this man can’t do? Is being an artist another amazing string to his bow? He’s creative at his very heart – and there is something special about that.

Oh my god is there  nothing this man can’t do? Is being an artist another amazing string to his bow

Let’s hope he’s good at relationships, I think – but is it all too good to be true? He’s not a “would you like a cup of tea” person. He asks if I would make him one. I’m not the type to rummage around the spice cabinet, but I do take a quick glance inside the fridge as I take out the milk. I notice a mouldy head of broccoli and nothing of any sustenance; he must eat out all the time.

Dopamine is thought to be the “pleasure chemical”, producing a feeling of bliss, and as I sat perched on the back sofa, I felt like I was on top of the world. I even remember what I was wearing – about 17 years ago: a blue jean skirt with a slit up the front – and I was stick thin. I was far too unsettled in myself to feel hungry like I do now.

Since I’ve had two babies – his offspring, after he died, thanks to IVF with his frozen sperm – I have gone from a size zero to still wearing maternity jeans two years later. Sometimes I wonder if he would notice a big change in how I looked if he suddenly walked in again? It’s been five years since he died. But let’s face it, my body shape would be the last thing on his mind when confronted with the fact he now has two beautiful daughters that he’s never met.

In the morning he said he needed a recovery meeting and left me at his. When he got back, he brought some coffee from the local Portuguese cafe and then told me he had to work

This moment in the flat will lead to a future that no one could ever have predicted. The intensity is overwhelming. I’m sure we are both feeling it. He leans in to kiss me – my heart starts racing – but I am so shocked that I suddenly lose my balance. I slip off the sofa as his lips touch mine. We both laugh, but boom; the moment is gone.

It’s like a snapshot of how things would turn out for quite a few years as we had an on-off relationship which deepened but never ran smoothly.

That night in bed together we watched Elizabeth starring Cate Blanchett on DVD. I noticed a young Daniel Craig playing monk/hitman John Ballard. “Gosh he looks just like you,” I said to Alex as we both fell asleep in each other’s arms. In the morning he said he needed a recovery meeting and left me at his. When he got back, he brought some coffee from the local Portuguese cafe and then told me he had to work, so I left. I needed to process it all – romance is so much harder to pull off when no alcohol is involved.

He loaned me the book How To Give Up Smoking by Alan Carr. He had been going on about the “nicotine monster” and how smoking is an illusion as it isn’t really relaxing. In his attempts to brainwash himself into giving up, I started to get brainwashed. Perhaps I could stop?

The next night I told Alex and Simon I was going to a friend’s birthday at a Chinese in Bayswater. I was surprised when Grace Jones turned up – sitting in the flesh next to me looking uber cool. Her song “Love is the Drug” popped into my head, as all I could think about was Alex. Then he unexpectedly walked in with Simon, pretending it was some kind of coincidence, and pulled up a chair the other side of me. I thought I was hallucinating. This had to be a dream? I give myself a little pinch under the table. He must like me a lot, I thought, turning up like this. Yes!

I wanted to be with him every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I was in love. In one minute it seemed like an explosion – oh my god hold on to your seats! – and the next it was like, well, where is he? Weeks and months past and we were no nearer to being together than the first night we met.

But in my head I was already married to him. Was I totally bonkers? Many people thought so. And even when it takes a while – in fact it took years – I’m determined to follow my destiny at whatever cost. Visualise him being yours, I kept telling myself; ask from the universe and it will be given to you. At night as I lay alone in my bed, I had moments of great doubt, but as soon as I saw him again, I was on a high. This was it. I knew it deep down. He was the one.