Laughing in the face of infertility – how Trying hits a nerve

The new Apple TV+ show about a couple who desperately want a child captures brilliantly the desolation of what it feels like with no kids on the horizon, writes Charlotte Cripps

Rafe Spall as Jason and Esther Smith as Nikki in the painfully funny comedy 'Trying' on Apple TV+ (Apple TV+)

There’s a scene in Apple TV+’s new comedy Trying that hammers home the emotional toll of infertility. London couple Jason (Rafe Spall) and Nikki (Esther Smith), who are desperate for a baby, are out on a sunny walk in Hampstead Heath. Nikki spots a man on his phone ignoring his kids and marches over to him screaming. “They are tiny little miracles!” she shouts, before throwing his phone in the pond. “Talk to your children!” That’s when I laughed out loud.

I laughed not just because it turns out they aren’t even his kids, but because I related to her total frustration. Watching the show, which is painfully funny but compassionate, I was instantly taken back to the desperation of wanting a baby and the nightmare of IVF. I know only too well what failed attempts feel like; Nikki’s just done an NHS IVF cycle and cried over a negative pregnancy test.

Any person who has been through infertility understands how overwrought, hypersensitive, and crazy you feel in the quest to have kids, just like Nikki does. To see somebody seemingly taking their children for granted when you are struggling to have one is like a red rag to a bull.

Now I have two kids via IVF and little time to myself, it was a rare treat to binge-watch Trying. It was also a reminder of how lucky I am to be on the other side, having been told my chances of conceiving were next to none.

Considering that one in eight women experience infertility, it’s really no surprise that there is an appetite for these shows (Apple TV+)

There have been other funny yet smart TV shows and films about infertility. Netflix’s Private Life (2018) starred Paul Giamatti and Kathryn Hahn, who were excellent as a New York couple in their forties struggling with IVF. Earlier this year, the pilot episode of BBC One’s Bumps, an unusual sitcom about a 62-year-old woman getting pregnant via IVF with the help of an egg and sperm donor, left viewers crying out for more.

Considering that one in eight women experience infertility and a growing number want kids later in life, it’s really no surprise that there is an appetite for these shows. And Trying, created by Andy Wolton, with its whistling, “keep going” theme tune, is about as real as it gets.

Many couples will identify with Nikki and Jason’s plight – how the intensity of struggling to conceive can threaten to engulf even the most loving relationship. We’ve all been there, from bottling sperm for IVF or timing sex for an ovulation window. “Every hour, the chances go down,” Nikki says in a panic, as she insists on having sex with Jason on a double-decker bus, after getting her fertile days mixed up.

When she’s sitting in the doctor’s office being told she has little chance of conceiving, it is heartbreaking. The show captures brilliantly the desolation of what it feels like with no kids on the horizon. I look back and don’t know how I picked myself up after all the disappointments. But where I kept going, Nikki can’t. I was lucky that a friend picked up the bill, which can be around £8,000 for one IVF attempt – otherwise, I would never have been able to afford it. Nikki has used up her one and only NHS IVF cycle, and has clearly had enough of trying to conceive.

Their next step is adoption – and it’s a brave one. But with their dysfunctional friends and family and messy London rental flat, will the adoption panel agree that they’re ready to be parents? Nikki has renewed enthusiasm. “Look at page 15 – do you think she’s still available?” she wonders about a cute baby on an adoption leaflet. But having a child is not as easy as that. Nikki might not be doing gruelling IVF anymore, as I did, but she’s moved into the roller coaster of the adoption process.

Paul Giamatti and Kathryn Hahn were excellent as a New York couple in their forties struggling with IVF in Netflix’s ‘Private Life’ in 2018 (Netflix)

There are so few babies in the system, they are encouraged to consider older children. I might not have adopted, but I know what it is like to jump through hoops – so my heart goes out to them. It reminded me quite how determined you have to be as a woman with fertility issues.

By the end, Nikki and Jason are finally getting a child. It’s a wonderful moment of jubilation – but let’s hope it’s not the badly behaved one who sticks his finger up at the camera. It’s funny, but perhaps they’ve been through enough.

Trying is on Apple TV+