‘What I wanted was Mary Poppins with a magic wand. What I got was Jane Tennison’

At her wits’ end, Charlotte Cripps calls in a specialist to help her manage her youngest daughter and the problems of six-times-a-night feeding

(Illustration by Amara May)

I haven’t slept properly in months; I don’t know how much more I can take. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I couldn’t find the front-door keys, called in the locksmith and then found them in the fridge, as I got out the milk. The problem is that Liberty, 18-months-old, still wakes me up six times in the night to breastfeed. I’m trying to stop it, but when I give her a bottle, she throws it across the room, shouting “No, no, no.”

I didn’t have any of these problems with Lola, so I’m clueless about what to do? That’s when I finally call Alex’s cousin, Miranda, a Norland-trained nanny. She is a parental consultant, with clients from all walks of life, including the rich and famous. I’ve read her testimonials from parents and they like her non-judgemental, open-minded approach.

Ever since Lola was born, she has offered to help out in an emergency – and never has there been a more appropriate time. I’m expecting a real-life Mary Poppins to walk in and wave her magic wand. Instead, I’ve got a tough-talking Jane Tennison, Prime Suspect’s DCI, scanning the kitchen and sizing it – and me – up for breaches in health and safety.