Wartime Boris is more Captain Mainwaring than Winston Churchill

As the prime minister resists calls to stand down, Will Gore wonders if he could lead the cabinet to new roles in Walmington-on-Sea

‘Dad’s Army’ lasted three years longer than the Second World War (BBC)

Such was my teenage fascination with the Second World War, that at the age of 13 – when I assume most of my friends were playing Sonic the Hedgehog or watching Baywatch – I was slowly ploughing my way through Churchill: A Life, by Martin Gilbert. I imagine Boris Johnson was reading it at around the same time, plotting a political future in the footsteps of his hero.

When I wasn’t reading about Churchill, or visiting the nearby Imperial War Museum at Duxford, I’d still have time for some TV – I wasn’t a complete square! There were any number of WWII-themed documentaries on, for example, as the 50th anniversary of various battles or events provided a hook for a new programme. And when I fancied something lighter, there was almost always a repeat of Dad’s Army showing on the Beeb.

Over the last week, as the prime minister and the chancellor of the exchequer resist calls to resign over their Covid parties, much has been made (by loyal Conservative MPs at least) of the need to maintain stability while there is a war on. Plenty of commentators have pointed out that Britain has had various leadership changes during past wars – not least the one that brought Churchill to power. It has also been noted that the UK is not actually at war, and while standing solidly with Ukraine is patently the right thing to do, Boris Johnson is surely not the only individual capable of signing off on a weapons deal.

But then, perhaps the present prime minister really does see this as his Churchill moment: guiding the country through a pandemic was just a prelude to his wartime premiership. True, he’s not yet gone the full Macron, donning fatigues and smearing his face with mud to show solidarity with the people of Kyiv. Yet there is clearly a sense from Downing Street that this is a chance for Britain, and Boris, to show their mettle on the international stage, to stand firm against a dictatorial aggressor state. A little light lawbreaking over a birthday bash mustn’t be allowed to get in the way.

Johnson, however, is no Churchill. A comparison with Captain Mainwaring might be closer to the mark: the self-importance, the bluster; and the occasional haggard appearance. An objection to this assessment might be that Mainwaring was at least a stickler for the rules, which can hardly be said of the PM. The Home Guard captain even resisted a couple of potential extra-marital dalliances.

If Johnson is a latter-day Mainwaring, then suave Rishi Sunak might do for a Sergeant Wilson: a smooth-talker, looking largely unflustered in the number two role, but seemingly with a skeleton or two in the closet (Sunak’s now having been splurged all over the front pages). In the event that Sunak leaves the platoon for a position in the US, Jacob Rees-Mogg would want his stripes.

Priti Patel’s dour demeanour might suit the part of Private Frazer, although Liz Truss’s infamous doom about the extent of Britain’s cheese imports could give her an edge if Patel isn’t up for it. Likewise, the fight to play Lance Corporal Jones might be a two-horse race between Michael Gove, whose maniacal clapping at the Tory party conference in 2013 was redolent of Jones’s general jitteriness, and Dominic Raab, who may still be panicking about how reliant British trade is on the Dover-Calais channel crossing.

For “stupid boy” Private Pike, there is a starring role recall for Gavin Williamson, who would need to avoid getting tangled in a long scarf. Private Godfrey is trickier to cast. A genial and gentle individual required, with quiet heroism in their past, untarnished by scandal or avarice. Nope…

And finally, we come to Private Walker, the last of the Walmington-on-Sea platoon’s first section: a dodgy character, who dabbles on the black market, no doubt keeping his tax liabilities low, and probably breaking the law from time to time. I can see the queue of auditionees stretching round the corner.

So, there we have it, a motley crew of ministers, helping to reimagine Global Britain, as they ensure we all Build Back Better in these difficult times and keep the country secure against external threats. Would Churchill be proud? Would Captain Mainwaring? Most of us might look at the way the country is going and reach the same conclusion as my children do when it comes to Dad’s Army: not very funny.