My idea of five major self delusions : Saturday Night

Five Things You Only Say To A Girl When You Are On Ecstasy.

1) Uhhh ... listen. You must have been my sister in another life. Hmmm. Yeah ... there's definitely a karmic link between us. Maybe you were the man, and I was the woman. Isn't that wild?

2) Gosh, you're so wet. Drowning in an ocean of love.

3) God, you're gorgeous. Fancy another cheeky half?

4) Come on ... let's go in the girls' toilets ... 5) What? Oh, this is the girl's toilets.

p Five Things You Only Say To A Girl When You Are On Cocaine.

1) I know, right, I must have been a pharaoh in a past life.. Look at my eyes, right. And I have a karmic link with Egypt, I know it. Actually you look sort of African yourself, I mean, if you didn't have a blonde crop. I used to have my hair like that. Maybe I was your brother.

2) Look at these spots. God, I look like shit. What do you think?

3) I met that guy Paul Merson once, round at my dealer's place. You know, the footballer.

4) Let's try the men's toilets. You can never get a cubicle in the ladies.

5) Oh no, where is it? I was sure I put it in here ... p Five Things You Only Say To A Girl When You Are On Heroin.

1) Will Self? He's brilliant. His sister is cute, too. Actually, you ... uh ... what was I saying?

2) Of course. We had the same, uh, dealer when we were at Cambridge. Practically related, hah.

3) No, university's a joke. My parents live in Ely.

4) De Sade. He's brilliant. I feel a strong karmic connection. Perhaps in a previous life, uh, what was I saying?

5) Will Self is not young. He's my age.

p Five Things You Only Say To A Girl When You Are On Pot.

1) Mmm? Sorry, darling, I was listening to the news. John Major is strange, isn't he? You know, he and Will Self seem to have this karmic connection... 2) ... one is this under-educated suburban bloke who ran away from a circus family and went on to be PrimeMinister ... the other is this Cambridge intellectual who cultivated a smack addiction and became our respected young novelist. There's a curious kind of symmetry there. The pipe? Oh, over there on the meditation cushion.

3) You never see them in public together, do you? Never... 4) Of course! They're both fictions created by Martin Amis! That's why he's being paid all that money! To keep his mouth shut! 5) Have you noticed how men's magazines are full of meaningless lists?

p Five Things You 0nly Say To A Girl When You Are On Mushrooms.

1) Sorry ... I can't. Ohhh ... sorry, I can't stop . . . wooooh! ... yawning.

2) You want me to put it in there?

3) Hey, we can have sex any time. Let's go out and look at the stars.

4) Will Self? That's like something from Martian ... uh, Martian Amix or whatever his name is.

5) I'm a writer too, actually, I've got a piece in this men's magazine, look: "20 Essential Grooming Tips".

p Five Things You Only Say To A Girl When You Are On LSD.

1) Woah! What's that? It's the news! Look! It's Paul Merson. No, not the comedian, the footballer, He's crying! How weird! 2) Do you think somebody died? Maybe he lost his drugs.

3) Hang on, there's something about ... oh, yeah, cocaine! That's right! He was taking drugs! Shame on him.

4) Seriously, though, he was the only decent player they had. And now he's stopped taking drugs and quit drinking. That's their season over.

5) Do you realise we are all one consciousness, experiencing itself simultaneously and individually, in the universal unfolding of complete enlightenment? You do? Oh, sorry.

p Five Things You Only Say To A Girl After You've Taken LSD.

1) God, I was really out of it last week. I thought you were my sister.

2) Who? The guy crying on TV?

3) No, that's Paul Merton.

4) How long was I in the toilet before you came and got me?

5) Wow. Come and look at this water in the washing-up bowl. Amazing! p Five Things You Only Say To A Girl After You've Given Up Drugs.

1) I've given up drugs now. Interferes with my meditation.

2) Do you think we'll ever get back together again?

3) When you left, it was like losing a sister, too.

4) Football? No, I don't really follow it any more.

5) No, I've never even read Will Self. There's something about him that reminds me of John Major. Even their names interpenetrate. Will ... come in Major Will, this is John Self. Wasn't that the name of one of Martin Amis's characters? Yeah, in a book called Money. Now that's a great book ... I must read it again ...