Why your temper could ruin your health and love life (and you’re too angry to notice it)

New research says that even thinking about being angry can increase the risk of a heart attack – and chances are it is damaging those around you too, says therapist and author Lucy Cavendish

All the rage: Frustration can lead to anger, which, if it isn’t channelled correctly, can lead to health and relationship problems (Getty)

Two years ago, a man came to see me for therapy. His marriage was in crisis, and he was incredibly angry about everything. He arrived ranting about his wife, swiftly moving on to how his smart meter was “overcharging” him and his children’s eating habits, and before you could get him started on other people disrespecting him, he was in full flow.

Then he suddenly smashed his fist down on the glass coffee table, which shattered, glass flying everywhere. Liam looked at my horrified reaction, which wasn’t dissimilar to his own. He was clearly terrified, mainly of himself. “I’ve got a problem, haven’t I?” he said. 

Liam is not alone. From the vantage of my therapist’s chair, I have witnessed anger levels steadily rise in the past few years. The cost of living, the government, the opposition, the state of the world, young people, old people, all people... there is a pervading sense of futility, and this frustration is turning into anger.

In 2021, Gallup produced a Global Emotions Report surveying 160,000 people in 116 countries. The results showed that more people felt “stressed, sad, angry, and worried” – more than at any point in Gallup’s global tracking. Also in 2021, there were 2,282 incidents of road rage reported to the police, whereas in 2022, the number jumped 40 per cent. 

This rage is having serious impacts on our physical health too. New research this week has shown your risk of a heart attack or stroke could increase for up to 40 minutes after feeling angry. The researchers from Columbia University Irving Medical Centre found that participants – all healthy with an average age of 26 – experienced significant blood vessel dilation when they recalled an event that had made them feel angry, and this has added to the growing evidence that shows mental wellbeing can affect cardiovascular health. 

Often, we don’t even realise how angry we are until it is having a deeply negative influence on our lives or those around us. Few angry people seem to understand how frightening it can be for others to be around them. For a lot of people, on some level – whether it’s conscious or unconscious – they understand that being angry sort of works for them. 

People creep around them. No one challenges them. And while it is never OK to use anger as a power play, many do. There’s the angry boss who humiliates their staff; the parent who shouts at their child every time they do something that is perceived to be “wrong”; the friend who is known for getting lairy after a drink. And it’s always those around them who adjust their behaviours to accommodate someone else’s dysfunctional anger, which can create deeply toxic environments. 

Those quick to anger who do finally admit that they do have a problem and end up in my therapy room will often say they were just “born” angry. This is a fallacy and, in truth, a handy defence. We are “made” angry by all sorts of things, especially if we are brought up around anger and taught that it’s one emotion that is OK to express.

Addressing anger issues often means looking back at your past (Getty)

Anger, after all, is an emotion that can feel more comfortable and acceptable than, say, admitting you’re hurt, upset, or even depressed. Many of my clients tell me how they were very frightened of one parent or another, and this does lasting damage. 

In her book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents psychologist Lindsay Gibson examines how those growing up with immature, unavailable, or selfish parents can develop lingering feelings of anger, loneliness, betrayal, or abandonment.

Another common response is to shut down. I see many clients who are, on some basic level, rather terrified of everything. Their response to strong emotions from others is to just go “doggo” – whereby they flatten out their own feelings, not feeling able to express themselves out of fear that it is “too dangerous”.

But denying our own needs by constantly putting ourselves last can also lead to psychological distress and physical illnesses. It’s no coincidence that I see many clients like this also complaining of unexplained backache, headaches, or tinnitus, for example. 

Harnessing the energy that anger can bring can, of course, sometimes be positive. For example, the suffragettes needed to feel angry to push for change in women's rights and voting rights. Revolutions that overthrow tyrannical governments come about because of collective anger. It’s what powered the postmasters’ campaign against the post office for decades. 

But how do you know if your anger has turned into unhealthy rage? I say, ask yourself this. Are the people around you ever frightened of you? Do people avoid looking at you when they talk to you or avoid your company? Is there a feeling of relief among others if you are not around? Are you surrounded by people pleasers?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists intermittent explosive disorder as a behavioural disorder characterised by explosive outbursts of anger and/or violence, often to the point of rage, that are disproportionate to the situation at hand. 

Often, we don’t even realise how angry we are until it is having a deeply negative influence on our lives or those around us

I start my work with clients by suggesting they think about where their anger may be coming from and how else it could be channelled. By recognising that we can take responsibility for our emotions, we may not be able to change what has been done to us – or what we perceive has been done to us – but we do have the capacity to make a different choice around how we feel about it and react to it. By doing this, we can work towards a life that is far more healthy and peaceful for ourselves and for those around us. 

This involves the ability to stand back from ourselves and develop an empathetic mindset. For example, we ask ourselves, “If someone spoke to me like that, how would I feel?” The other thing I ask people to do is to use the Buddhist concept of “the pause”. Before you do anything or respond, you take three big breaths which will engage the part of your brain that is more connected to reason. When we respond to things very quickly, we are generally using our ancient reptilian brain which gets stuck in fight, flight or freeze, and floods our body with cortisol. By reducing that, we calm ourselves down so we can do more thinking and less reacting. 

Rage often makes us feel even more angry because there’s the quality of impotency about it. With Liam, we started using very simple techniques which really helped. I asked him to breathe. I asked him to let different feelings bubble up, such as kindness, love and compassion.

I also told him it was OK to feel angry for all the reasons that became clearer as our sessions unfolded. There were feelings of parental abandonment because his parents had worked so hard to keep a roof over their heads. He began to understand these emotions and find the quality of forgiveness which helped him move beyond being the adult who was perpetually acting out the “angry child” inside him. 

The change happened quickly for those around him, but the deeper shift for him to see himself as a different person took over a year. The last time I heard from him he was living a far more peaceful life with his wife and his children. It wasn’t that he had lost the energy of being “him” but this new him was a happier man living a happier life surrounded by happier people.

‘How To Have Extraordinary Relationships (With Absolutely Everybody)’ is available now on Amazon (Quadrille, £16.99). For more information go to lucycavendishextraordinaryrelationships.com