Your Stars: It could happen

The course we plot into the future is obscured by Time's mists, but it is cold, and there are probably icebergs out there. Mystics have warned us that St Valentine's Day may be approaching, so look out lovers, brace yourselves for a hail of automatic weapons fire and the sight of your partners clutching at their wounds as they gargle in slow motion to the garage floor.

It is not a good week, if the past is to be any guide. Tutankhamen's sarcophagus was opened, releasing the curse which was responsible for the building of the Millennium Dome. Inquisitorial Christians sentenced the Netherlands to death in 1568, and that equivocator Galileo was born ("It depends what the meaning of the word "moves" is.").

And you wouldn't want to have a birthday this week, because you would be sharing it with Banjo Paterson and Yoko Ono (who is sounding increasingly like a cat). There's also that swot, Alessandro Volta, who named himself after a unit of electricity to please his teacher, as well as that old gloomy-boots, Thomas Malthus, who ignored the promise of fertiliser to say that we would all die of starvation.

Aquarians are great sexual democrats but are totally hopeless at arithmetic. Famous Belgian Georges Simenon's 10,000 conquests can only be verified by a quantum maths that has not been invented yet. Aquarians are irresistibly attractive to obsessives - their behaviour is familiar to addicts of all sorts - and their supremely original minds inspire them to triple themselves around their bedposts for the sake of their partners.

But there are also a small number of humanitarians in other fields born this week - three to be precise: John McEnroe, Barry Humphries and Matt Groening. But leaving them aside, the rest of it is a lot of actors and celebrity riff-raff who needn't concern us here. And that gonk, Prince Andrew.

Things, perforce, will be a bit better next week.