The Weekly Muse

This mistlethrush upon the bough

Will sing as sweet and doesn't know

It must be deaf and blind somehow

As the tide ebbs out of Kosovo

A dreadful sombre laval flow

We hold our children tighter now

With Christ-like pose and hands outstretched

Stigmata holes? Nah. Too far-fetched

It's David Beckham's Easter Look

You've said the prayers. Now read the book.

All former sins absolved no doubt.

Front page? What taste. Well done Time Out

Big libel case. Went to appeal

You must remember Morris/Steel?

The pair McDonald's took to court

And "beat" (or something of that sort)

The final score the other day,

Dropped sixty k to forty k

McJudges trimmed damages back

And ruled the risk of heart-attack

As something that is "very real".

Still sure you want that double meal?

Now one-in-five are overweight

Like trains we carry too much freight

The reason for this sorry mess?

We're "victims of our own success"

As Thameslink PR chaps might say.

We sit in cars, eat snacks all day

Watch vids and guzzle beer all night

It's sure to make our waistbands tight.

The simple answer to this bind.

Is fall in love. Leave fat behind

When Love struts in to ruin your day

You'll watch that ballast fall away.

Computerised as of this week,

I'm so put-out I cannot speak.

And most of you won't care perhaps

But men who still sport old cloth caps

Like anglers, gardeners and other chaps,

We'll miss those hand-drawn weather maps

So new research proves Beatles wrong

And money can, despite the song

Buy love, a headline claimed this week.

A prospect which is rather bleak;

For any hard-up singleton

Who'd like to feel love should be won.

So ladies, if you're feeling moony

Call the team at Essex Uni

It's their research you've got to thank

After you have phoned your bank

Cheques to "Newell"

Er... leave them blank.