Pandora

CARRIE FISHER told Steve Martin that Martin Amis pumped her about Lithium over supper so a character in his next book can o/d on it.

u

PRINCE WILLIAM'S handlers are reportedly preparing a high-profile American tour next spring on the heir's behalf.

u

OH, AND Mick Jagger's manoeuvres to sell pictures of his son Lucas have reached a critical point. Here's the backstory: DNA tests on 27 June established that Jagger fathered the three-month-old baby. Luciana Morad (pictured), Lucas's caliente Brazilian mother, engaged lawyers to broker a child support deal with Jagger said to be north of pounds 5m (lump sum plus annual payment of pounds 200,000 pa). Jagger's camp recognises that pictures of Lucas are a commercial commodity, and give the parsimonious popster leverage in their negotiations. So they want to max up the pictures' price. This is why the picture file tagged Lucas Jagger remains empty. Just Want to See His Face? Newsbreak: Morad is currently confined to her riverside apartment in Manhattan to avoid exposure to paparazzi. Have You Seen Your Mother, Baby, Standing in the Shadows? The mother and child vanishing act teases the market while protecting the images' scarcity value. But what about the kid? A canny nanny from Scotland sneaks the infant out on the sly around the Empire State Building. The twist is that a lensman with ties to Jagger's camp has already shot portraiture of the boy Lucas. Morad's opening offer price for these pictures is a soft pounds 250,000. Maybe this is Mick the Lip's idea of child support but - last time we looked - no sale. Anybody Seen My Baby?

u

THREE-DOG night is a runner for the world's worst joke: a Mexican Chihuahua, a Doberman and a bulldog are having a cocktail when a sleek Collie sashays over and murmurs: "If any of you big dogs can use the words `liver' and `cheese' in the same sentence, you can have me." Doberman: "I love liver and cheese." Collie: "Next." Bulldog: "I hate liver and cheese." Collie: "Next." Mexican Chihuahua: "Liver alone, boys, cheese mine." Woof!

u

COUNTER SCAN? Noel Douglas, a London inventor, claims to have perfected the Ur Scanner, which empowers consumers to scan a product's bar code and receive data about its manufacturer - including political, environmental and social track-record. Memo to the pr pple (yes pple, that is not an error) at Monsanto, Mars and Coca-Cola: "Y'all have a nice day!"

u

JAMES BROWN looked a tool on C4's Withnail Weekend. Brown's crew at Loaded was credited with inventing the Withnail drinking game "I Demand To Have Some Booze". Utter yarbles. Fact: the game, where viewers simultaneously enjoy beverages identical to those consumed by characters on screen, was introduced by a journalist on the Evening Standard's London Life section in the mid-1980s. It ran under the slug Drinking With Dallasty (Dallasty = Dallas + Dynasty). He got the idea from his upbringing in north London, where the stunt was first devised, and widely played during The Power Game in the 1960s.

u

NICK LEESON was spotted in a Leicester Square pub, chugging Britneys (Britney Spears, rhymes with beers) with three of his old muckers from Barings over the weekend. Apparently they'd all just seen Rogue Trader...

u

DUNKING DOWN: softer the biscuit, the more fat it contains. Does this explain the etymology behind the American band's moniker Limp Bizkitz? No, they're just not our cup of tea.

u

IT'S TIME for Christmas in August. Since The Queen enjoys two birthdays, why shouldn't Pandora, Princess of All Media, present her personal Christmas Wish List right now? Go girl...

1) Give me the Dome. I've always dreamed of owning a pounds 275m curvaceous polycoated fibreglass diaphragm on a brownfield site in beautiful downtown Greenwich. Won't you please help?

2) A motto for these isles. My opener: "That doesn't impress me much, actually."

3) The elimination of the prefixes cyber, hyper, and mega. Can we get on this hyperquick?"

Contact Pandora by e-mail: pandora@independent. co.uk