Nuisance caller: Quiet, please

"Hello, can I speak to Christopher Gorringe, please [Chief Executive of All England Lawn Tennis Club]."

"He's not around much at the moment. He's very busy. What's it concerning?"

"I'm a local resident who is being driven to distraction by the noise of the championships. Every ball and every round of applause sounds amplified. Have you changed the seating or the structure of the building by any chance?"

"The conditions here are very much the same as they've always been. They might change next year with the new Court No 1. We haven't had many exciting matches, though - every now and then the court erupts with a great cheer, but I haven't noticed that so far."

"Would you be able to offer some solution? Perhaps they could get the umpires to tell the crowd to keep the noise down."

"I don't think that this is something that can be settled with a phone call. We'll have to think it through over the weeks and months ahead."

"Do you not think you could put some sheeting round the buildings to cut out the noise? All the horsey chatter is driving me beserk."

"That really is distressing. Perhaps you could put your thoughts in writing."

"I think the problem might be quickly resolved if you offered some tickets for the matches. It's very frustrating - there I am, sitting indoors in the sweltering heat, and I have to put up with the sound of all these people braying with delight and generally enjoying themselves."

"I think you should put that request in writing."

"But you won't be able to settle it in time for these championships, will you?"

"No."

"Any sign of sympathy would be really appreciated - what about a basket of strawberries?"

"I've got to go now."

"Have you had any complaints about the electronic eye? My TV seems to be affected - every time the eye bleeps, the picture on my screen wobbles."

"I don't know how to help you there."

"You don't have a technical consultant?"

"No. Just write in."

"There's just one problem. I can't write."

"That's a big shame. I've got to go now."

"So you can't get me tickets for the finals?"

"No."

"Damn."

"Goodbye."