Modern Manners: Your Cut-Out-And-Keep Guide To Surviving The Minefield

Dear Serena,

I'm nearly 30 now, and, while I have an excellent relationship with my parents, I think the time has come to spend Christmas at my own house, perhaps even by myself. What is the best way to break the news to them?

Steph, Chiswick

Well, really, Steph, I think you're being a bit selfish. Your parents have probably been waiting with bated breath for you to do this years ago, and now you've gone and left it far too late for them to book that dream cruise they've been promising themselves when they finally don't have to provide for your Christmas stocking/turkey needs any more.

If you're too squeamish to take the bull by the balls, and if the hints you've probably been dropping all year have failed to percolate through, probably the best excuse to plead is work.

The Christmas break is, in fact, a great time to get a lot of stuff out of the way, as the phone never rings, what with everyone else being stuck in snowdrifts with their inbred cousins. Say you've got to hold the fort, or that you have a huge amount to do and don't think you can do it in a house full of nephews and nieces or grumbling in-laws. You must, however, promise to go up in January, and stick to the promise.

A friend has asked me to come with him to a Star Trek convention happening at our local pub. How should I dress, and what is the conventional way to greet delegates?

Mark, Rhyl

Sorry. I'll have to run a level three diagnostic on that.

I was in the cinema the other day when someone's mobile phone went off. Believe it or not, he actually answered it.

He went: "Hullo? John! In the cinema. No, not much. Something with Bruce Willis in..." and so on for a full five minutes, shouting to be heard over the action on screen, while everyone else sat and listened to him.

How does one deal with situations like this?

Mary, Derby

Easy. Psychologists have long since identified the "no help in company" phenomenon, in which, if trouble starts in a street, the victim has very little chance of anyone coming to their aid unless one individual pitches in, at which point everyone else will follow. There is something about the combination of crowds and stress that makes us all turn into sheep, waiting for instructions as to what to do next.

It is, therefore, up to you to take the lead. Don't stand up (which will separate you from the herd), but shout, in his direction, something like, "Will you shut up? This is a cinema, not a train." You will probably get a round of applause which, even if it doesn't shame the miscreant into complying with your request, will at least make you feel good about yourself.

My sister left her hamster with me to care for while she went on holiday. On the second morning, I found it stiff as a board on the floor of its cage. There are still two weeks until my sister comes back, so keeping the hamster's body isn't really an option, but I don't have a garden to bury it in. What should I do?

Barbara, Glasgow

This problem is gnawing at you, but you could run around in circles for ever without getting anywhere if you don't employ a little basic honesty. Any attempts at a cover-up and your sister will smell a rat. Obviously, you're going to have to dispose of the body, and in your circs, a fast burial in the bin is the only option. As people anthropomorphise their pets, even when they are too small to have ever been properly aware of their existence, you should temper the truth by telling her you buried it under a bush in the park. I tried it once, and no one ever asked to see the grave.

What's the best way to eat peas?

Damian, Rochester

Mash them in your spuds. Unless you're dining with a duchess, in which case you should scoop them up with your knife.

I'd like to point out that the perfume spray you mentioned in a previous column as a good weapon for warding off muggers also comes in handy for drying up spots, spraying on blisters and, if your Virgin train's buffet runs out of drink because you've been stuck for four hours outside Milton Keynes, mixes up nicely with a couple of tins of tonic water.

James, Manchester

Yes, and a perfume spray is also a good guerrilla weapon for calling into question the bath-house probity of any rugby players who might annoy you.

Also: a woman should never be without a bottle of clear nail varnish, which comes in handy for laminating things, stopping runs in tights, etc.

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