It's autumn - so check your lawnmower for Lord Lucan

IT'S TIME for another monthly check-list of things to do in the garden, and while November is very much a tidying up and clearing month, there are still plenty of things you can do to help plan for next year. So read this list and get cracking.

Have you burnt your Christmas tree from last year yet? Many of us just push it under the bushes, planning to put it on the bonfire later, and leave it there indefinitely. Go and locate it under the bushes, and pull it out. If you are not planning to have a bonfire just yet, or if it is too wet, push it back under the bushes, together with all the previous year's Christmas trees.

Rake all leaves from off the lawn. When you are half-way through, realise that the half you have just cleared has already been covered by more leaves, freshly blown down. Abandon leaf-raking.

Have you given your lawn its last cut of the year yet? The answer is yes, no matter how long it is. Long grass survives the winter better.

Now would be a good time to put your lawnmower in for its annual servicing, when it isn't needed at home. On the other hand, everyone else in the world will be putting their mower in for servicing too right now, so why join the queue? Wait till the springtime to put it in, when you will be needing a good excuse for not mowing the lawn.

If you really can't be bothered this year to get your lawnmower serviced, or if you think it won't survive another year, it's time to think seriously about getting a small flock of sheep in, which will keep the grass level down and may attract a good Brussels subsidy. Sheep are going very cheap at the moment, I believe.

If you followed my advice last year and got a flock of sheep, now is the time to put them out into winter pasture.

Have you put your sundial back one hour? If not, don't bother.

If you live on a National Trust property, now is a good time to search the grounds for missing visitors, absconding West Indian cricket captains, Lord Lucan, Salman Rushdie, etc.

Incidentally, have you noticed that before the fatwa was withdrawn against Mr Rushdie, you could hardly switch on the TV or radio without finding him defiantly there, on screen or on air, but now that he is comparatively safe in public, he seems to have gone into hiding ? Not exactly a gardening point, but interesting, I think.

If you live on a National Trust property, now is the time to make sure your "No Stag Hunting" notices are clean and legible. Or is it "Stag Hunting Encouraged" notices these day? Hard to remember. Whichever...

Now is the time of year when mice start nesting in bigger kinds of gardening glove. Place a loaded mousetrap in every glove you keep in your garden shed.

Drag your pond for dead herons. You won't find any, but you will be surprised by what you will find. If you don't want to be surprised by what you will find, then don't.

Now is the best time of year to plant fresh bulbs in your outdoor security lights.

This is a good time to go out and fiercely cut back your leylandii trees.

If you haven't got any leylandii trees, now would be a very good time to go out and fiercely chop back your neighbour's leylandii.

If there aren't any leylandii trees in your neighbourhood, now would be a good time to take a chainsaw and go out in your pick-up truck in the surrounding countryside, chopping down any leylandii you see.

Did you remember to pick up all the dead fireworks from your garden after your bonfire party?

Did you remember to have a bonfire party ?

Well, never mind, don't worry, because these days shops sell fireworks all the way up to the New Year. Bring home all those leylandii trees you've been collecting and have a great bonfire!

Finally, have a good general clear-up and get rid of all rubbish such as old newspapers blowing round with headlines like "Local Police In Search For Maniac Leylandii Killer Now Suspect Sheep Farmer May Be Involved".