Top Gear's Eddie Jordan on Chris Evans firing and having never seen Friends

The Top Gear presenter/F1 commentator chats Evans, Clarkson, Hodgson and Johnson and why he’s the last man you should ask to record you EastEnders

Hi, Eddie. You recently said that it irritates you when people spray Champagne everywhere and waste it all. Should they serve it during the pit stops instead?

Ha. I just think champagne is such a delicate, beautiful thing. It’s become part of Formula 1 so I don’t know what we’d replace it with. It’s just… you see those big magnums all going everywhere. But pit stops, absolutely not. I don’t believe in driving and drinking. Formula 1 has all that spraying champagne at each other, but I think I was really talking about, you know, in the summer at summer parties, when people just buy champagne to spray on each other. I find that ridiculous.

Sounds like you get invited to a far higher quality of party than I do, Eddie…

Well, exuberant people do mad things.

You also said you’ll be boycotting The Grand Tour, you know, the new Clarkson/Hammond/May Amazon Prime vehicle.

Well, the interesting thing is I never did say that. So this could be an opportunity… The guy who wrote that has since written to me with an apology. The Mirror has written to me and to the BBC saying that they couldn’t find the tape and he misunderstood. When he said, “Jordan says Clarkson is past it”, that's not what I said. I said that the Clarkson era is now past. We now have Chris. Of course, things have happened since then. But I never said he was past it, because saying “past it” is a derogatory term. Whereas “it’s in the past” has a totally different meaning.

Well, glad we could help clear that up. So if Clarkson’s Grand Tour pitches up next to one of your houses in Ireland, London or Monaco, you’re not going to start mooning out the window?

You see, I did maybe four or five Top Gear Lives with them. I enjoyed it so much. That’s why I was so upset about getting misquoted. It was grossly inaccurate. I’m being ridiculously correct and fair, that the three amigos that were Top Gear were always going to be incredible to match, because what they had created was something very good. I think our shows will be different enough that we won’t really be competing, although a lot of people will want us to be.

So, the summer of 2016 is The Summer Of Quit, with politicians, football managers and Top Gear presenters dropping like flies. Unless! Maybe they should swap old jobs? Should we let Chris Evans manage England, Roy Hodgson become Prime Minister and Boris, Cameron and Nigel Farage present Top Gear?

One thing's for sure, I think Chris Evans has the talent, certainly, to do most things. And I think, dare I say, he could do a really good job as England Manager. He’s a great motivator and he has football embedded in his blood and DNA. Roy Hodgson, Prime Minister? Um, we need somebody really, really, really tough and really on top of what they’re doing, particularly with negotiating our Brexit. So that’s going to be a tall order for anybody, particularly for somebody who hasn’t had a political life. What was Boris Johnson doing again?

Presenting Top Gear!

Boris Johnson could do Top Gear. He’s mad enough!

Wasn’t the whole problem with Chris Evans that, in a Venn diagram of people who like someone as polarising as Jeremy Clarkson with people who like someone as polarising as Chris Evans, the overlap is going to be pretty small?

It’s not particularly nice reading stuff about yourself when it’s quite negative. However, people who write things say it with a passion and a belief, and what they’re saying is their opinion. But there are lots of other people out there with other opinions too. You know, I do believe that Chris reads little or nothing about himself. I do believe Jeremy reads little of nothing about himself.

Do you ever have a sneaky self-Google, Eddie?

I don’t. I have done once or twice, and it was bordering on being vile. So I said, “Why upset myself?” I know what I’m doing, I’m happy doing what I’m doing. I’m doing the best I possibly can. It’s the people who employ me who make the decision. And if they think I’m not good enough, they’ll say, “Look, Eddie, it’s time you moved aside. It’s over.”

Well… Matt Le Blanc is proving pretty popular, with the BBC announcing they’re not looking to directly replace Evans. Should they just let the whole cast of Friends take over Top Gear? Will you be annoyed if next series they’ve replace you with that bloke who ran Central Perk (1)?

Well, Matt Le Blanc has been very cool to work with. I’d no idea who he was. I’d never seen this programme Friends before I joined him in South Africa.

Eh? You’ve never seen Friends?

I’ve never seen Friends.

Shut up! Everybody’s seen Friends.

I have never seen a programme of Friends. I have never seen a thing called Episodes. I’ve never seen Emmerdale Farm, Coronation Street or any of WestSiders (2) or whatever they call it.

What are you watching then? Are you more of a Neighbours and Home & Away man?

I never turn the television on. I very seldom turn the television on.

You started your career in 1971 by buying a go-kart, entering the Irish Kart Championships, and winning. Can I apply your tactics to modern day F1? Can I, say, just buy an F1 car, enter the 2017 FIA Formula One World Championship and win?

Yes.

Excellent.

You have to remember, I was very lucky. And I’ll even extend that by saying I’m probably the luckiest person imaginable. (3) We had some serious downsides, but overall and on balance, I’ve been very lucky. I was there at the right time, right kart. I met the right people like Philip Morris, and got in the World Championship team with people like Emerson Fittipaldi (4), Prost, Hunt and Lauda. That was remarkable. I didn’t think I was good enough to be in there. But I was, and I learnt a huge amount, which meant I didn’t then go back to working in a bank (5). I stayed on and started a baby team in Formula 4 and Formula 3. I set myself a target to never move out of that category til I’d either dominated it or won it. That happened by winning Formula 3000 and that’s what got me to Formula 1. I was very tough with myself.

Thanks, Eddie. Did you know there’s a twitter feed @ejquotes dedicated entirely to “quotes from the fascinating, insightful and in no way incoherent and rambling analysis of BBC F1 pundit Eddie Jordan.”

No. I’m not on Twitter. I’m not on Facebook and I don’t do any of that.

Want to have a shufty anyway?

[Accepts phone]. Well, let’s have a quick read. “Different folks for different quotes”. Well, that’s not funny. It’s a very common Irish expression. “[On Mercedes being nervous]: ‘I think they probably gave themselves a little 'medicinal help' to get them asleep last night.’” Yeah, that’s okay. Did I say these things?

Apparently.

“Those still disappointed by the lack of loud, mindless noise in this year's F1 will be glad to know Eddie Jordan returns to #bbcf1 tomorrow.” That’s certainly wasn’t me. But that’s funny.

Footnotes

1) What was he called again? [Tippidy tap]. Gunther. That’s it!

2) If anyone at the BBC’s reading… Here’s a free TV pitch for you. WestSiders! Like a posh version of EastEnders, but set in Chelsea.

3) Sort of like a lucky, bearded, leprechaun, in a baseball hat.

4) Proud owner of the best sideburns in F1, ever.

5) Jordan was a clerk at the Bank of Ireland in Mullingar. “It’s not all work, work, work…”