GARDENING; Little perishers

Houseplants wilt and die in countless numbers, through benign neglect or misplaced kindness. Paul Simons tackles the problem, root and branch

IN MILLIONS of homes across the nation wretched beings are suffering hell. They're starved, dehydrated or drowned. We're talking here of houseplants, domestic companions that can turn brown and drop their leaves at a terrifying speed, as if they were having the plant equivalent of a nervous breakdown. But it needn't be that way, if only we understood how their ancestors live in the wild.

Plants like African violets are massacred on a colossal scale, because we ignore their origins. They come from the hill forests of Tanzania where they perch on top of shady rocks, drenched in rain or mist, clinging to a few scraps of humus with their little roots. This is a long way from a scorching windowsill, their leaves bleached by sun. Their ancestral forests are also humid, so the domestic African violet appreciates a steamy kitchen or extra humidity, perhaps from a tray of wet pebbles under the pot. Their roots are adapted to well-drained soils so they easily drown from being overwatered. And their leaves are usually sloping, so they drain off surplus water easily, which is why it's not a good idea to let water settle on the pot plant's leaves.

But to be honest, the African violet is a very fussy creature that doesn't make an ideal pot plant. And there are a lot of other tropical rainforest floor plants that are a touch too sensitive for the casual pot-plant grower. Gardenias, fittonias, maidenhair ferns and many begonias all need shade and humidity. And what we often give them is air so dry it feels like a desert.

Even tough characters like the weeping fig Ficus benjamina from the humid tropical forests of southern Asia can suffer abuse at our hands. If it's not watered enough it thinks it's the start of the dry season and drops its leaves to conserve water. It also sheds leaves if it becomes too shaded because it's used to dappled sunlight in the wild, so it's a good idea to turn the plant towards the light around every so often.

The same problems afflict rubber plants, but they can also become too successful for their own good. A healthy rubber plant can turn into a monster, swamping a room with its thick leaves and shading out every other plant. And why? Because the rubber plant in its native Asia grows as a tree up to 100 feet tall, so that the thug in your living room is still only a baby!

A sure way to grow healthy houseplants is to understand the ecology your home. Each room has it own climate - shade, light, humidity, draughts, heat - and you can match a pot plant to the right environment. Take flowering bulbs. How many times have you watched a vibrant hyacinth shrivel and die in just a fortnight? That's because they're growing in rooms so hot they think it's summer and dive back into their bulbs to lie dormant. Wild hyacinths grow on cold mountains in Turkey where they flower as soon as snows melt. Then as temperatures rise the flowers shrivel up and survive the long drought in their underground bulbs. So flowering bulbs at home need a cool room.

Even the tough guys of the plant world can be victims. Cacti are the perfect match for a hot dry sunny room, but they too can suffer abuse. In summer, when they're growing, they need watering because their desert homes have a rainy season when the plants put on a furious spurt of growth. But in our winters the sunlight is so insipid the plants stop growing; they need to be left dry in a state of dormancy until spring. If you water them they grow straggly, risk infection and won't flower the next year. This applies to a whole range of plants from dry lands all over the world - aloes, haworthias, kalanchoes, crassulas, euphorbias, faucarias and others.

If your biggest failing is forgetting to water houseplants, then the kings of all dry plants are the air plants (tillandsias). These weird little plants look like dead scraps of paper and survive just on the moisture in the air. They come from the treetops of forests in the tropical and sub-tropical Americas where water is in short supply, and they absorb moisture through their leaves. An occasional misting is all they need in the home.

If overwatering is your besetting sin, then the umbrella plant is ideal. It comes from swamps and river banks in Africa where the soil is waterlogged, so you can grow it as wet as you like; it cannot ever be watered too much.

Maybe we could take a leaf out of the Victor-ians' book. Their rooms were hostile environments for plants: cold, dark and choked with the fumes from coal fires and gas lamps. That's why they adored plants like the mother-in-law's tongue and aspidistra from the dry lands of Africa. And the icon of the Victorian palm court orchestra was the kentia palm (Howea forsteriana), which only grows on the tiny Lord Howe islands far off the east coast of Australia. There it is battered by salt winds, soaked in rain and shrouded in dense shade under tall treees. This makes it very difficult to kill, so the Kentia palm tolerates a wide range of conditions as a houseplant.

TRUE OR FALSE?

Talking to plants has more than royal approval going for it. Plants feed off carbon dioxide for their photosynthesis, so the great gush of waste carbon dioxide we breathe over them does them a big favour. Just having people or pets in a house is enough to get plants very excited.

Stroking plants does them the world of good. It makes stems shorter and stronger, leaves lusher and greener and even helps the traumas of transplanting, cold and disease and, believe it or not, toughens them against aphid attack.

Adding cigarette ash to a plant's soil is only good if the cigarette is completely burnt. Nico-tine in unburnt cigarettes poisons many plants.

The old trick of keeping cut flowers fresh with an aspirin in the water probably works. All plants have their own aspirin, and scientists now know it helps fight off disease.

Playing music to plants to keep them healthy is controversial, but there might be something in it. There's some evidence that certain types of music, for example male choirs and female solo voices, can stimulate growth. It's possible that certain sound frequencies vibrate the plant and stimulate its food-supply channels.

! 'Potted histories', by Paul Simons, is published by BBC Books at pounds 9.99