The Great Celebrity Bake Off review: Russell Brand impresses with 'cosmic vagina' in Stand Up to Cancer special

John Lithgow and the rest may as well have not turned up

Now that’s what I call a showstopper. A show stealer. A show winner too, albeit unconventional. Russell Brand’s decision to drag his wife’s genitalia into the first round of The Great Celebrity Bake Off for Stand Up to Cancer was as inspired as it was, frankly, rather shocking.

Fashioning such a scale model from shortbread and strawberry jam has never been done in the Bake Off tent before, nor many other places, and I for one was impressed. It was, in Brand’s words, designed to celebrate the “cosmic vagina”, specifically the birth of Brand’s daughter. Prue Leith declared it delicious. Paul Hollywood, too, praised “the bake, the snap, the flavour”. I bet he says that to all the girls.

Co-host Noel Fielding stands bewildered, like a stunned goldfish in the shadow of his “fellow goth”. Sandi Toksvig, god bless, almost soils her crackers at the whole semi-pornographic diorama – which also featured a miniature Mrs Brand in a birthing pool, a placenta (another TV first), and Brand himself as a ginger “wise man” (telling self-characterisation there).

Prue diffidently points out that the full quota of two dozen biccies hasn’t been baked, and thus, Brand’s lady’s lady parts are short of a few parts themselves. No matter! “I know you wanted 24, Pru, but would you take a glance at this labia, and tell me that’s not adequate?” Yes. He does. She agrees. He wins.

I’ve long held the view that Brand is an attention-seeking, self-indulgent fop who should just buzz off. This, after all, is the fellow who advised people to boycott the 2015 election. You remember don’t you? The first and only time the Tories gained an overall majority since 1992, and which led inexorably to the 2016 EU Referendum? And all the rest? Yes that one. I’ll now concede Brand is good at making biscuits. Demonstrably still a twit, though, and certainly still attention-seeking.

But as far as baking goes, he’s set himself a high bar. I ponder what Brand will rustle up for the final? Belgian biscuit? Cream pie? Or just shoving his face into a massive mound of caster sugar in tribute to his struggles with his demons?

I should mention the other contestants on the show, though they all melt in the glare of the sun king of comedy. There’s charming John Lithgow (Winston Churchill in The Crown, 3rd Rock from the Sun, and baker of excellent brownies); nondescript Jon Richardson (unfunny comedian, novelty vegan man); lovely Hannah Cockroft (Paralympic wheelchair racer, fine gingerbread). But they may as well have not turned up.