Fast TracK: Corporate strategies the inside track on becoming a consummate professional

6. Office theft: getting the most out of your job

Honesty, they say, is the best policy. This is patently untrue. Third-Party, Fire and Theft is the best policy, given the level of crime in the modern workplace.Your manager may have welcomed you as a new employee by insisting that "my door is always open". It would obviously be churlish to disregard this invitation - you should exploit it fully next time you require some staples, paper clips, antique brass paperweights, solid silver photo-frames etc. Just make sure your manager is not IN his office when you do so. Because as every employee knows - office rules, like reclining office chairs, are made to be broken. The trick in both cases is judging how far you can safely bend them. To a certain degree, minor misdeeds can be overlooked.

Nicking a few bits of paper from your place of work is fine... unless you are Lord Irvine's interior decorator, in which case you can be convicted of thefts totalling several thousand quid.

Similarly, fraud. A few chips from the canteen - yes. A few chips from Head Office's mainframe computer - probably unwise (RAM-raiding can incur severe penalties).

Diddled the odd 40p out of the Hob Nob kitty? No probs (no Hob Nobs, either, but who's counting?). Using the photocopier to run a multinational banknote-forgery operation on office time is slightly more risky.

To cope with a growing rise in dishonesty at work, Blair's government recently cracked down on excessive corporate hospitality. This explains why so many offices have reception areas with seats like granite flagstones and nothing to read except a solitary 1936 edition of The New Statesman.

The more common violations of office law are detailed below. Be warned -if convicted, you're looking at a minimum of 12 months' Hard Labour (so if you're only on a six-month contract at present, you can view this as a promotion). NB. Audio-typists are, of course, punishable merely by a lengthy sentence.

Mugging - appropriating someone else's mug from the coffee tray.

Taking sweeteners - appropriating someone else' Carderel from the coffee tray.

Corruption - "Accidentally" spilling oxtail soup into your laptop, thereby concealing the fact that you've not typed up any of those sales figures.

Heavy Breathing - groaning and wheezing down the telephone, to try and convince your superiors that you are "indisposed" and need a day off.

Pinching - you may safely pinch almost anything in the workplace (everyone else does -- even Harrods bosses). The one thing you should NOT pinch is the buttocks of your co-workers: the sexual harassment suit is rapidly replacing the Armani suit as the fast track to money and power in the corporate world.

Buggery - maliciously installing some software which will screw up all your rival's computers in 2000.

Drunk-in-Charge - there is a drunk in charge of most companies. You will probably know him better as "the MD". This is the guy with the office that is so large it actually needs its own Time Zone (which explains why he always returns from lunch five hours later than his staff).

Deserting your post - allowing three weeks' worth of mail to build up in your In Tray.

Child Abuse - shouting at the post boy.

Domestic violence - crime perpetrated by disgruntled cleaning ladies. See also: Drudge Abuse.

Smuggling - being unnecessarily smug. Particularly rife in the Estate Agency profession.

Soliciting - being a solicitor. An offence only committed by the most hardened criminal masterminds.

Crimes Against Humanity - see Soliciting.