DICKIE FANTASTIC ON THE SCHMOOZE
'We're not in the disgusting business. We're in the fun and cheeky business'
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Your support makes all the difference."I think," winks a young lady dressed as a schoolgirl, "you've been very naughty and you deserve a good spanking."
"No," I wink back jovially. "I haven't been naughty at all. Ha ha!" "I think you have!" she sings, tapping the end of her cane. "I haven't," I sing back. "I'm sure somebody else around here has been terribly naughty! But not me." "I think you need a spanking," grins the schoolgirl, saucily. "Ooh," I grin, cheekily. "Well, no thanks." "Spanky spanky!" she says. "Look, I haven't been naughty and will you just bugger off," I snap ferociously.
And she does. I feel terrible now because she was only doing her job. She is a School Dinners saucy waitress - School Dinners being the notorious Baker Street restaurant-cum-cheeky S&M club for the upper-middle classes which once caused a terrible stir because a minor royal was caught there.
Tonight the Men Behaving Badly lads are holding a launch party for their Christmas book, an event star-studded with Dill from Brookside. A man from the Daily Star is about to get married so everyone holds him down and gives him a good spanking (ho ho!). And Martin Clunes poses for photos in the corner clutching a can of Stella (the sponsors) and an inflatable rubber sex doll! (Ho!)
There is something odd about the blow-up doll that I can't quite place. She seems as if something is missing from her - not just a soul and a spersonality. And then I realise: she has no orifices.
"Oh, it was absolutely terrible," chuckles a bubbly PR girl. "When the rubber dolls arrived they had orifices. So we sent them back and got some more without holes. We don't want big hairy holes, do we?"
"So would it have not been fun if they'd had holes?" I ask.
"Of course not," she replies. "That would have been disgusting. We're not in the disgusting business. We're in the fun and cheeky business."
The paid spankers are having a terrible job tonight attempting to find willing spankees. Asides from the Daily Star contingent the clientele are made up entirely of besuited publishing executives and Radio 4 producers and whenever a woman with a cane approaches, they busily engage themselves in frantic and intense conversation about listening figures and so on. School Dinners is Club 18-30 for the ruling classes and the whole thing is too damn ideologically complex for any of us to successfully let our hair down.
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