Corporate strategies: How to become a consummate professional

9: A fistful of dole: How to go gracefully

Undoubtedly, the second worst moment of your career will be finding out that you've got the sack from your boss. The absolute worst moment will be finding out that you're in the sack with your boss, but the Christmas party season is still several months away, so let's concentrate on dismissal.

All new bosses are trained in the three R's: Retirement, Retrenchment and Radical role re-evaluation. These are all ways of telling some poor sap (ie you) that he or she is being booted out, without your boss having to feel so guilty about it.

It was recently revealed that sacking people is a primary cause of heart attacks among bosses - so when you are given the heave-ho, you can console yourself with the thought that your boss's life expectancy has now been reduced by a couple of hours. Or reduced to a couple of hours, should you take the dismissal particularly badly and happen to have a sharp letter opener on your person.

One popular euphemism for "good riddance" is "voluntary redundancy", which is rather like "voluntary work" in that it will lead to your spending a lot more time in Oxfam shops.

Just because you've lost your job, though, doesn't mean you have to lose your dignity. Prostrating yourself on the boss's carpet and threatening to scream and scream until you make yourself sick will not hasten your reinstatement, especially if you're being sacked for taking too many days off sick.

And do not break down in tears when your boss gives you the bum's rush. Didn't he say when he employed you that he expected all his employees to be "fired with enthusiasm"?

If you want more warning of your imminent sacking, learn to read between the lines.

Watch out for: "I've given a lot of thought to your position here." I've tried to remember what it is you're meant to do here.

Beware: "You have always played a pivotal and visionary role in this company." All you do is spin round on your office chair and gaze out the window.

And: "Unfortunately, we're having to let a lot of people go." We have just been taken over by Group Four Security.

Or: "We will all miss you, and good luck in your search for future work." F*** off and die. And don't expect a reference.

The best part of realising you're about to be sacked is that you can now do all those things you've wanted to do since your first day at work but never did for fear of being sacked.

You can kick the coffee machine, tear down your wall planner, snog the temp and/or postboy, add a Hitler moustache to the portrait of the Chairman and perform daredevil wheelies in the MD's huge leather chair while whizzing round his office pretending to be Captain Picard from Star Trek. This, obviously, is the point at which you discover that you weren't being fired at all, but were actually in line for a promotion.