The funniest joke at Edinburgh Fringe has been named

Gag about a sailing ship and a bottle won over a 2,000-strong panel

A one-liner joke about a sailing ship has been named the funniest at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

Comedian Mark Simmons, who got into comedy more than a decade ago after his friend convinced him to do an open mic night, was chosen as the winner of the annual competition hosted by television channel U&Dave.

In his winning gag, Simmons said: “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship, but I bottled it.”

Each year, the U&Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe is chosen by 2,000 members of the public from a shortlist drawn up by a judging panel made up of comedy critics.

Simmons’ joke, taken from his PHB’s Free Fringe show at the Liquid Room Annexe, was ranked the best by 40 per cent of those surveyed.

Simmons said of his victory: “I’m really chuffed to win U&Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe.

“I needed some good news as I was just fired from my job marking exam papers, can’t understand it, I always gave 110 per cent.”

A previous gag told by the comedian was voted the second best joke at the festival in 2022 and he has also placed sixth and ninth in the contest.

The comedian joins other winners Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyons, who have been recipients of the award, which is now in its 15th year.

Simmons and Danny Ward won the Victoria Wood Award at the 2023 Edinburgh Festival for ‘A Show For Gareth Richards’ (PA)

Last year, Lorna Rose Treen took home the prize with her gag about an unfaithful zookeeper, which was ranked one of the best by 44 per cent of those surveyed. She said: “I started dating a zookeeper, but it turned out he was a cheetah.”

Find out this year’s best jokes, below...

Top 15 jokes of Edinburgh Fringe 2024

1. “I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it.” – Mark Simmons

2. “I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward... two steps back.” – Alec Snook

3. “Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was all right but the mane was dreadful.” – Alex Kitson

4. “I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it.” – Arthur Smith

5. “I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it.” – Mark Simmons

6. “My dad used to say to me, ‘Pints, gallons, litres’ – which, I think, speaks volumes.” – Olaf Falafel

7. “British etiquette is confusing. Why is it highbrow to look at boobs in an art gallery but lowbrow when I get them out in Spoons?” – Chelsea Birkby

8. “I wanted to know which came first the chicken or the egg so I bought a chicken and then I bought an egg and I think I’ve cracked it.” – Masai Graham

9. “My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had.” – Zoë Coombs Marr

10. “The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati.” – Olaf Falafel

11. “I’m an extremely emotionally needy non-binary person: my pronouns are ‘there there’.” – Sarah Keyworth

12. “I’ve got a girlfriend who never stops whining. I wish I’d never bought her that vineyard.” – Roger Swift

13. “Gay people are very bad at maths. We don’t naturally multiply.” – Lou Wall

14. “Keir Starmer looks like an AI-generated image of a substitute teacher.” – Sophie Duker

15. “Growing up rich is a hereditary condition. It affects one per cent of people.” – Olga Koch