city slicker York

The citizens of York are preparing to be pillaged and plundered this week as the annual Jorvik Viking Festival gets underway

Why they call it England's second city: History. History in fact claims more for York than mere metropolitan status: York is the cathedral city for an entire archepiscopal province of the Anglican Church. Add Celts, Romans, Vikings etc to the picture, and it all helps to explain why the people of York are so very keen on the past.

Where it falls down as city number two: Census returns and football. Once upon a time, the Grand Old Duke was able to muster 10,000 men simply for hill-climbing expeditions. If the Duke had only made an effort, York might be in the Premier League today. As it is, upstarts like Leeds and Sheffield are suddenly the ones with the future at their feet.

Best Pubs: Old Yorkshire types never tire of packing into the Bluebell, a microscopic tavern where beer is rather bizarrely served from behind a curtain. But do try the Micklegate run for a full-scale pub crawl - the hill is pleasantly cobble-stoned, and (rather sensible, this) steep enough to ensure an option of rolling if other modes of locomotion cause problems.

Toffs, Ziggy's & Silks: Why do so many British complain about the poor quality of nightclubs in their city? Such judgements are not innate but learnt - mostly, I think, unreflective imitation of sophisticated Mancunian friends. However, in the case of York, E is deservedly for ennui; you can tell something's gone wrong simply by the names of the clubs. A winter of discontent? Perhaps. But there is one hint of glorious sun: Shed Seven, indie children and sons of York still.

Hurried shopping list: The Shambles (twee street), Stonegate (more aptly characterised as American Express Street), Banks (proper Seventies-feel music shop, excellent for sheet music), Thomas the Bakers (fine pasties).

Minster for fun: Unfortunately, York Minster is principally notable for its scaffolding, the point of which is apparently to make you buy postcards instead of taking photos. Nevertheless, the Minster is a must for all architecturally minded chocaholics - it is simply the finest place in the land to get a good view of Terry's chocolate factory. They also say that lightning never strikes twice, which makes York Minster a rare sanctuary if you're unlucky enough to be an astrapophobe. And don't worry, either, if a few too many phobias and chocolates have made you a preternaturally unattractive-looking individual; Minster stonemasons are having to carve new gargoyles at the moment - replacing all the ones that have done too many acid rains - and you might be just the model the masons are looking for.

Official tourist attractions: York's Railway Museum has plenty of old- style rolling-stock: massive reminders of the days when transport and transport policy was functional rather than frivolous. Rolling-stock at the Jorvik Viking Centre, on the other hand, is unashamedly new-style: trolleys carry you on novelty rides through flaxen-haired waxworks and "authentic smells". Cheaper, though, is a trip walking the ancient (well, actually mostly Victorian) city walls. You'll find disused canals give you all the authentic smells you need.

Finally, niceness: Visitors to York tend to have one verdict: the city is "nice". The good people of York, likewise, are often felt to be "nice". As indeed they are. But don't impute such a poverty of appreciative vocabulary to the Yorksters themselves. If you've enjoyed yourself, then remember "it were bardy". And if they seemed a good fellow, Viking or not, they were probably a "ladgin gadgy".