Help, the reviewer's lost the plot

Life's Lottery by Kim Newman (Simon &Schuster £17.99)

Life's Lottery by Kim Newman (Simon &Schuster £17.99)

1 Life's Lottery is Kim Newman's new novel. It's a Choose Your Own Adventure book for grown-ups. If you think this is a good idea, go to 3. If you think it's a bad idea, go to 7.

2 Do you know who Kim Newman is? If you think he's an eminent film and horror critic, go to 4. If you think he's the man who wrote Spice World, go to 5.

3 OK, so it's a good idea. But can you cope with reading the thing? If so, go to 2. If not, go to 7.

4 You're right, but he's also relatively well known as a novelist. If you've read any of his other novels, go to 8. If not go to 6.

5 That's Kim Fuller, stupid. If you find these sort of comments annoying, go to 7. If not, go to 6.

6 Life's Lottery is written in a style not that dissimilar from Martin Amis. There's a lot of stuff about fate, chance, destiny, etc. If you like this sort of thing, go to 8. If not, go to 7.

7 Then it's rubbish. Don't buy it. Read something else.

8 Are you the sort of person who cheats when reading this sort of book? If so, go to 9. If not, go to 11.

9 Yes, me too, but this book doesn't really allow you to do that. Oh, you can cheat, but the structure of the game is as rigorous as a Rubik's cube. I tried going through it four times, making completely different choices every time and even backtracked on myself every three or four pages and still couldn't get to the meaty stuff in the middle. You start off as a kid, and then before you know it you're 30, and somehow you've managed to avoid having any sort of adventure at all. If this sounds interesting, go to 10. If not, go to 7.

10 Well, I suppose it is interesting, up to a point. But if you've spent £17.99 on a book, you expect to get some sort of VFM. I can see how this concept could be used for a novel, and it has to be said that Newman has done a relatively good job of it, but there's too much stuff about Doctor Who and The Man From Uncle for my money. If you think that sounds pretentious, go to 12. If not, go to 7.

11 Even if you don't cheat, you may find it hard to get to the good bits in this book. I first tried reading it telling the truth about the sort of decisions I'd make and ended up stranded in suburbia in an unhappy marriage in my mid-30s. Maybe that's because Kim Newman has some sort of special insight into the kind of character I am. Perhaps the reason why Life's Lottery irritated me was because it exposed my lack of adventure and shallow need for security. If you think that's probably the case, go to 12. If not, go to 13.

12 OK, so I'm pretentious now, am I? Look, I really wanted to enjoy the book. I was excited about receiving it. I sat down with high hopes, only to find myself unable to get into the thing. I gave it three hours of close attention and got nowhere. If you think this is likely to happen to you, go to 7. If not, go to 13.

13 Then you'll probably love Life's Lottery. Fine, it takes all sorts. And you'll probably get to go home with all the attractive characters in the book too. Good luck to you, and congratulations, Kim Newman.