The strange case of the death of friendship

A new book argues that friendship in the 21st century is nothing more than a nuisance. But are we really now too busy to make a commitment beyond work and family? By Julia Stuart

The Ancient Greeks thought that a good friend was more important than a good husband or wife. Ralph Waldo Emerson, the 19th-century American poet and essayist, once declared that "a friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of Nature". And Dr Dorothy Rowe, in her book Friends & Enemies, recently published in paperback, calls friendship our greatest invention. But does the modern world have room for friends any more?

Some experts believe that we don't: a new book by Digby Anderson, for example, Losing Friends (published by the Social Affairs Unit) argues that the pressures of modern life cause many people to see friends as a nuisance rather than a blessing. Yet the expert consensus is that, with geographical mobility eroding family support, people need friendships more than ever.

Dr Valerie Lamont, a chartered counselling psychologist, believes that some people find their relationships with friends more rewarding than those with their families because friends can be less of a disappointment. "There is much more of an expectation these days that families should accept us, that they should be there no matter what. If that's not the case, we feel let down," she says.

Friends, by contrast, are there by choice. "That provides you with a positive self-image," she says. "If you feel that your friends are there for you, in some ways that can provide an even more positive impact than if your family was there for you."

Dr Rowe believes friends matter more than they used to, because therapists have invited people to look at their parents with a critical eye. "While there are still lots of people who are too scared to do that, it has become a way of thinking in our society, and it has diminished the power of the family," she says. "Many people in adulthood see their parents as just ordinary human beings. They don't see them as really powerful figures who have to be obeyed."

Rowe believes that friendships are vital for our mental health. "Human beings are social animals. If we live completely on our own we become very strange. We start to lose the ability to distinguish what goes on inside us – our thoughts and feelings – and what goes on in the world around us. And it's other people who help to maintain that distinction," she says.

Lamont agrees: "One of the essential factors in a good friendship is that as life becomes more complex and mobile, having friends helps provide a bond where you're recognised as an individual, as a unique person. Although you may get lost in the shuffle of modern life as one of the workforce, one of the nameless many, having friends gives you that sense that you are known as an individual, valued as an individual and that's an important anchor, or an important base to hold on to."

Making new friends can be difficult whatever your lifestyle, whether living in the country or the city. Some adults already have a close set of friends, and do not want a newcomer to upset the balance. "For most of my time in England, I've lived in Yorkshire and Lincolnshire," says Rowe, "and in those places, if you haven't been there for 400 years and you're a newcomer, no matter how good your social skills are, it's really difficult. On the other hand, if you live in Australia or the United States, you'll make lots of friends very quickly."

The writer Alain de Botton believes finding a good friend is as hard as finding a good relationship. "Generally, our friendships are pretty bad. They tend to be mere associations at work, or someone with whom you grew up and have a bond of nostalgia to a shared past in the sandpit. A good set of friends can be the making of a really good life. But it's just very, very hard to find," he says. Part of the problem, he believes, is that society isn't geared towards making friendships, and people tend not to have time to devote to something that needs commitment. "We are obsessed by our careers and by our love life. Friendships come very much third, particularly when people start to have children – friends really go out the window then."

People seeking to make new friends should consider what they enjoy doing in their spare time and join a relevant club or group, advises Lamont. "It is easier to make friends when you're younger because you're in situations where you meet people, such as school or university, having school-aged children and working. As you get older, you have to make more of an effort to go to places where you're likely to meet people..."

According to Rowe, the key to making friends is being interested in the other person, a method Dale Carnegie recommends in his bestseller How to Win Friends and Influence People. "You need to concentrate on the other person," she says. "A lot of people find that impossible to do, because they are so wrapped up in themselves. You ask the person questions about themselves, you draw them out and remember the answers so that next time you meet them you remember their names, whether they're married, what job they do, how many kids they've got. If you meet someone for a second time and that person has remembered you, you instantly feel how wonderful that person is and you feel a rush of warmth and affection for that person."

For De Botton, however, the route to friendship is finding a common source of disgust. "The most important thing is that you have to hate the same things. You have to hate the same kind of people, you have to be appalled by the same things rather than share the same taste," he insists.

Once you have established a friendship, there is often some fancy footwork to perform in order to make it work. "One of the problems with friendships is that they are very intense, but have none of the safety valves of relationships," he says. "Friendships, on the whole, sail under quite a relaxed flag – you are not supposed to get heavy with friends. You don't say: 'It really annoyed me the way you were eating your cornflakes for breakfast'. I think we feel a lot of things within friendships that we can't tell our friends because friendships are supposed to be more casual. That's why many problems with friends are often more difficult to resolve than in relationships."

De Botton believes that friendships flourish with shared experiences rather than meeting in Pizza Express once a month for a chat. So what does he do with his chums? "I meet them in restaurants and talk about things. But often I feel unfulfilled by that sort of interaction, or I want more of them."

So, given their immense value to us, can we ever have too many friends? Yes and no, says Lamont. "Yes in the sense that you may simply have a limited amount of energy. So if you have a huge amount of friends, how are you going to spread your energy around, especially if your life stage means there are a number of other responsibilities and demands on your time and energy?

"The reason for answering 'no' is, the more friends we have, the more we feel connected to other people generally, and the more solid and stable and, dare I say, happier we are. It decreases the sense of isolation we feel – as you go about your life you know that there are people out there who know the true you. That, I think, is crucial. I think to live a life to the full, most of us truly need to feel there is at the very least one, or preferably a handful of people out there in the world who know who we are as unique human beings."

'Friends & Enemies', published by HarperCollins, £8.99