An embarrassment of riches, a richness of embarrassments

Now at last you can sheathe your feet in a thin but strong covering of latex, should you need to

WELCOME BACK for another visit to our Christmas Bazaar, with lots of new ideas for 1998-style presents!

All the newest gadgets and imported novelties are here, so take your pick from a mouth-watering selection of goodies!

Make this a really different Christmas by giving any or all of the following...

The Third World Wind-Up Car

After the wind-up wireless and the wind-up torch, now the ultimate in ecology - the wind-up car! No petrol needed, just a touch on the winding handle!

Every time the car is wound up, it goes for 20-25 miles, no problem. It's already revolutionising transport problems in the Third World, but it would be just right for your local shopping or school trips. Takes just a couple of people only five minutes to wind up.

Comes with its own battery (weighs 65 lbs). From pounds 30,200 (gears extra).

Vintage Football Shirts

As Manchester United, England and other teams change their strip every six months in order to fool the punters into buying the new shirt, so the old strip - usually discarded by fans - becomes a collector's item.

After stockpiling disused lines, we can now offer many of these old playing strips at knock down prices. Sample prices: Aston Villa (late 1970s, pounds 15), Wrexham (in Welsh or English, pounds 5.50), Radio 1 All Stars XI (pre-Simon Bates era, pounds 80), etc. Send SAE for complete list.

Latex Foot Gloves

This is the first time there has ever been a pedal equivalent for those thin latex gloves which are so useful for dentists and mechanics alike - indeed, there isn't even a word for a foot glove in English!

Now at last you can sheathe your feet in a thin but strong covering of latex, if you should need to. Essential for trapeze artists, mime artists, ballet dancers, people with really smelly feet, etc. pounds 32 a box of 100 prs.

Encyclopaedia of National

Anthems

A priceless boon for the traveller. There is nothing worse than being the only person in a large crowd not to stand still for the local national anthem, or being thrown into gaol for six months for laughing and chatting throughout someone else's sacred song.

Now there is no excuse, with this compendious guide to the most stirring tunes and marches in the world! All melody lines and lyrics. Also on CD ROM. Also arranged for military bands etc, etc.

Guinness Fun Fake Foam

The most ingenious prank of the season! This is simply a white plastic disc which is indistinguishable from the head on a pint of Guinness. You take it into a bar with you, order a pint of stout, slip this on top and say, all casual like: "Barman! There's something wrong with this pint!"

That's because, sticking out of the white foam, there's the little head of a lifelike mouse! See his face go purple as he tries to work out what's happened!

Comes in four other hilarious models: Peeping Prawn, Fish Face, Loch Ness Mini-Monster and Terrifying Tiny Face of Rupert Murdoch! Only pounds 4.99.

Do-It-Yourself Tattoo

Removal Kit

Getting your tattoo removed by an expert is a long and painful business. So it is with this DIY kit, but it's a hell of a lot cheaper. pounds 29.99.

Lifesize Cut Out Cardboard Car

Passengers

Lifelike inflatable passengers have long been common in Northern Ireland, since the days when it became illegal to leave a parked car unoccupied in Belfast, but a cheaper version has often been needed for drivers on the mainland who have a need for artificial passengers.

This may because a driver needs an excuse not to pick up hitch-hikers, or because he feels lonely, or simply because he wants to be seen in the company of "famous" people. The bending-down-and-looking-under-the-car model is ideal for woman drivers who break down on motorways.

Models available include senior policeman, all Spice Girls, Prince Charles, Camilla Parker-Bowles, Mrs Thatcher, General Pinochet etc. From pounds 37 each.

Wiltshire White Horse

Do-It-Yourself Kit

If you've got friends with wide open spaces they don't know what to do with, here's the ideal gift: a West Country notion brought affordably within reach of everyone! Kit contains a 40-foot horse template, cement starter set and notes on planning permission.