A Family Affair: The man I married has become a woman

This week, a couple talk about how the husband confessed to his wife that he was transsexual

CLAIRE ASHTON, 47, used to be Tony Ashton. He joined the West Mercian Police Force after the Army and became a pistol-shooting champion. He met his wife Barbara while working as a mountain climbing instructor in North Wales. After Claire (then Tony) told her employers that she was a transsexual, she was retired from active service and has since lost her job in the communications department; her case is going to tribunal. She lives in Shropshire with Barbara, 63, a retired primary school teacher.

Claire

From an early age I never felt that I fitted in - I knew something was wrong. But I fell in love with Barbara when I was 27 years old and we got married two years later. I was dressing up then and hiding women's clothes in the attict. I only started talking about it three years ago. I became expert at hiding my feelings. You feel that you're the only person in the world who could feel like this - it takes years to realise that you're not.

I think it's important to realise the difference between a transvestite and a transsexual: a transvestite is someone who dresses up in women's clothes but, if asked, would still consider himself a man. Transsexuals feel they are women, and the clothing isn't so important. I don't need dresses to make me feel anything - I don't wear "women's clothes", I wear my own clothes - that's who I am from first thing in the morning to last thing at night. It's your life, not a role.

Before I told Barbara, I reached the state where I was considering suicide because I was bottling everything up so much. The only solution was to tell someone; one day I was in the kitchen with her and I said, "would you like to sit down, I've got something to tell you." I didn't speak for what seemed like ages then I remember saying, "I know I told you I went to a gun show in Birmingham this afternoon, but I didn't. I went to buy a new blouse." It was the only way I could think of broaching the subject. Barbara's response was, "Oh, is that all." She thought I'd been having an affair. But it was only some months later that I told her I was a transsexual.

Barbara was very supportive from the beginning. At first I'd find it so hard to talk about, I'd be in floods of tears. Soon afterwards I began to feel guilty because I felt I was misleading Barbara; in effect, she married a man and then lost a man. I think she has felt very much as if it's been a bereavement. Now we're both women living together as friends; I'm quite happy with that.

It was a test when I first dressed up in front of Barbara. I don't think she was too keen, and I didn't know what sort of response to expect. But she didn't faint. I'd had lots of practice at that time; I became an expert at making up in a car mirror in motorway lay-bys. What probably made things easier was once I went full-time - appearing as I am all day.

In terms of my relationship with Barbara, it's not like starting again, more like putting everything into a shaker and seeing it come out a different way. One of the hardest things for me is to realise what a change it's been for other people. When I look through my eyes it's the same scene it's always been, whereas other people see me as a different person. But when you love someone, you love the person, not the exterior imagel.

I had the operation in April and I've been on hormones for over two years. Now it horrifies me to think that people thought I was the same as men; I find them rather strange creatures. Now that ache and the feeling of longing I've had for most of my life has gone away and I'm at peace with myself.

Barbara

I can remember the moment Claire told me she'd been cross-dressing. It took her about 20 minutes to confess and I thought she was trying to own up to an affair. It did make me question what had happened in the past 16 years. For a long time I asked myself where I'd gone wrong, why I hadn't noticed anything. Later I found out that transsexuals are often in denial and try to be more male than normal.

Virtually the day she told me physical relations ceased; I saw it as one of those things I had to accept if I was to stay with her. I never thought of leaving her when she told me - there was a sense of commitment and loyalty. I also wanted to see what was going to happen. It was damned uncomfortable, but interesting. Also I'd have felt a bit like a rat leaving a sinking ship - she did need my support.

It wasn't until we'd been together to see a psychologist that it suddenly hit me that this was for real. I felt a tremendous mix of emotions. I felt I was facing a bereavement; that I was going to lose my male partner. I was worried about losing my status, living in a community that would know about it. At my age, most people have experienced death, divorce or serious illness. Nothing had prepared me for this.

I went through about two months of real hell. I'd think, "This isn't happening", then realise, "Yes, it is." I was very tearful a lot of the time. I never blamed Claire for the condition - I always accepted it was a medical condition. But at some points I did blame her for the effects her condition was having on me. I had to make far bigger adjustments; her adjustments were made when she was trying to live as a male.

When Claire first dressed up in front of me I was surprised how feminine she looked.I'd have thought I'd feel amused or offended. I was just surprised at what an attractive-looking woman she was. When she grew her nails and got her ears pierced, I started to accept the fact that I was sharing a house with another woman.

At the end of the day, Claire is very different to the man I married. I doubt if I will ever completely come to terms with that. I have had to get used to small, unexpected changes. For instance she always used to read what I'd call men writing for men. Now she reads romantic fiction. But I think it may take years for her to be conditioned as female. Getting her to do the housework isn't any easier, although she is a good cook.

Our relationship is still developing; it's only been two or three years. It's not really a case of starting anew; the solid centre remains the same but we're exploring different avenues.

I think it will probably be easier to go into old age with another woman rather than a man. I'm comfortable with the situation now, and see no reason to rock the boat.

Interviews by Emma Cook