Why are they famous?; David Beckham

Main Claim: Posh Spice. People like us had never heard of David Beckham until he started squiring the amusingly named "Posh" Spice, she of the nouveau-riche interests and vowels as wide as the Thames estuary. Now he's the Loaded cover boy, the new Brylcreem model and top totty in the latest tabloid poll of hunks. His car is often seen in the drive of Posh Spice's parents' Hertfordshire des res. He's also supposed to be quite good at football.

Appearance: Clean-shaven Essex boy who wishes he had better pecs. Skinny, Adidas-clad, ex-Grange Hill heart-throb looking for an adult soap break, whose friends all think he is the spit of Brad Pitt. Cut-out-and-keep boyfriend of pop star.

Spice Boy: Sad football types and new lads may have heard of people like pre-Spice Beckham ("I'd like her if she worked in Tesco"), but the rest of us have only heard of Ryan Giggs for dating Danni Behr, Gazza for crying, Maradona for cheating, Eric Cantona for kicking someone, Pat van den Hauwe for marrying Mandy Smith, the woman famous for shagging a wrinkly old rocker, and Teddy Sheringham for dating the woman famous for being the sister of the woman famous for shagging a wrinkly old rocker. God only knows how any of these lads dribble.

Ball Skills: David, 6ft, 22, apparently plays for Man Utd and can score goals from the half-line, whatever that means. He kicked some famous goal at somewhere called Selhurst Park. More interestingly, he earns lots of money (pounds 1.5 million for kicking a ball, pounds 1 million for wearing Adidas boots, and pounds 1.5 million for promoting Brylcreem), his car number-plate says "BECK 5", he doesn't have a lot to say, and he likes Gucci and Prada.

Family Values: The nascent ball-boy genius, son of an east London kitchen equipment maintenance man and a hairdresser, first visited Old Trafford aged 11, worked collecting glasses at Walthamstow dog track and failed his GCSEs. He was signed up by his dream team, Man Utd at 14. He's been successful ever since. "Footballers are no different to a milkman or a dustman, we're just in the limelight and get paid a lot of money," he helpfully explains.

Fame Prospects: Knee injuries, foreign transfer, monosyllabic ways and Spice Girl oblivion may dampen the fame, but he could wail a pop song, date Ginger Spice, or develop a drug problem to guarantee a year or two in the tabloids.